Things You Don't Need To See In Films Anymore, Please....

(This topic is bought to you by The Travelling Point-Of-View Shot Of Flouro Lighting Strips On The Hospital Corridor Ceiling, in conjunction with Sword-Fights.)

CGI. It has its uses but there's just too much of it, turning films into cartoons.

What would 2001 A Space Odyssey look like if it had been made using CGI? Shite, probably.

In general, sequels. and Harrison Ford in them.

More like the 'Special Edition' of Star Wars Ep. IV. probably, the bastard.


In an action film, the bit (usually at the end of the second act) where the SWAT team swing into action, abseiling out of helicopters, kicking down doors, making lots of noise, nervously pointing their guns in all directions before realising a) they've got the wrong address or B) the bad guy's already split to commit even more heinous crimes, the dumb fucks and their "Hut Hut HUTs".

Baddies being knocked out with one punch
Vin Diesel
Sex and violence (no one wants to see this at the flix)
Jerky cameras (fuck Verity!)
"Quirky" American "independant" cinema...

Is anyone else going to make the joke?

Bearing in mind he's probably using the term "joke" very loosely here... :rolleyes:

But seriously folks:

where the murder weapon is broadcast: Eg, when you see a butcher's knife on the kitchen bench its gonna be used
Id prefer my surprises to be surprises



I did like it when seagal took a swan dive early in the piece in Exec Decision-that was a surprise that played with expectations

Yes, that was a real shock. Ditto the fate of the Hero in No Country For Old Men, and the point half way through Static where it turned into a completely different story.

Dubbing :grrr:

Films with variations on the plot of Sister Act 2

And subtitles that aren't on a seperate background, which blend into anything that's white in the picture!! :grrr:

People not finishing their fucking drinks.

Cheap remakes of classic Vietnam films:

And getting rid of colour would sort the men from the boys.

uneccesary flashbacks: to wit, Bruce Willis recaling the swan dive of Allan Rickman from DH1 when confronted by whatshisname in DH2.

Surely Bruce could convey 'realisation' or was it not enough for the villain to say that Bruce killed his brother? save the tape for other scenes or make the film more economical. Bah!

Will Smith.

1. Ninjas jumping onto roofs backwards.
2. Lovers meeting on bridges, inevitably to split up and part cinematically from each other, both walking away to opposite sides, only to reunite in the final reel.
3. Nuns that aren't assassins. (Sister Act 2, what the f**k's that all about. School of the Holy Beast or Sword of Seduction, that's want you want for some good killer nun action).
4. Anime spaceships bulging before exploding.
5. Blind, one armed, one legged or mute layabouts being revealed to be a master swordsman (though what it has to do with a mute guy, I dunno...in that particular series of movies (The Mute Samurai, lol), everyone is astonished though: "He's mute? And he fights?", but it all escapes me).
6. Franchises that go on too long. When they got to number 19, "Zatoichi Vs The One Armed Swordsman" maybe it was time to take a rest.
7. The lovely girl you've just met by chance revealing she's got a terminal disease the morning after you've slept with her.
8. The lovely girl you've just met by chance being revealed to be your younger sister after you've just slept with her.
9. Angelina Jolie
10. Superhero movies. William Friedkin has interesting things to say about the rise of the superhero movie post 9/11.

a bad guy is about to shoot a good guy, you hear a shot but of course it's somebody off camera shooting the bad guy.

Guns that fire an endless amount of rounds without ever being reloaded.

People not smoking.

Characters saying either, "I'm getting too old for this shit" or, "I've got a bad feeling about this".

Phone numbers beginning with '555'.

cars.

seems like no matter what an american film is about, 30% of screen time is taken up with cars. cars pulling off, cars pulling up, people getting into cars, people getting out of cars, cars going along, cars turning corners....jesus...

doing anything at all I find incredibly dull. :mellow:

Slow Motion car crashes.

People running away from an explosion, also slow motion.

That "Desperado" type shit where no one but the hero can shoot straight.

Baddies being the only ones who smoke.

Disasters, both natural and man made, only happening in major population centres, especially New York.

Product placement.

Films being advertised on the strength of the director's previous work.

The supporting role black guy who is always a tower of strength, positive and just happy to be there doing his job.

Noises in outer space.

Women screaming.

Women falling over when being chased, normally causing an ankle injury, the first physical contact in the love interest angle and a close call with regard whatever was chasing them.

Major historical events ultimately being decided by the actions of one man (the star of course).

Robin Williams simpering empathy expression face.

Good looking teenagers getting bumped off one by one in horror films.

People in future dystopias wearing black leather.

The first attempt always failing.

Thrillers that don't thrill.

Fake tits.

Films longer than 90 minutes.

CGI - bring back lizards in make-up.

Films in general.

Sex scenes which never show the fiddling about with the condom packet bit.

When movie criminals watch/listen to broadcasts covering their recently commited crime, they always turn the tv/radio off before the story's finished.

Totally irrational and very annoying. :lol:

People being chased running to the top of the building

:applaud:

Pampered children angrily reprimanding their fathers for working too hard and not 'being there'. Dad tearfully agreeing. (Rather than slapping the kid's whiney face and yelling, 'How do you think I could afford to buy you a Jeep you ungrateful little prick?')

The car/van/bus/bike/boat/plane that predictably refuses to start when the hero/heroine needs a swift exit.

Must have seen every variation of that chestnut at some point. :banghead:

and double :applaud: :applaud:

a friend of mine doesn't like films if they're *only* 90 mins long (or less), doesn't feel he's getting his moneys worth. :rolleyes:

Apparently it's a specially-allocated 'dead' exchange number specially for films - but even so it's very annoying. My phone number DOES however begin with 555, and I can always detect a slightdouble-take on the other end of the line when I say it :)

Oh, my absolute bugbear - they sit down at a diner with a lovely big plate of breakfast or whatever, and what they have to say is so damn important they don't eat the fucking stuff!!! Grrrr...

...or when there's a family dinner and someone gets up from the table morosely and says "I'm not really hungry" - of course you are! You're American and you're always eating!! So sit the fuck down, eat your dinner, THEN go off in a sulk if you must.


Last night I dreamt I was watching a fillm and it had no music in it, and it was good.

John Cage wrote a funny anecdote about how his mother, on reading that an A-4 size Picasso was sold for millions, got all excited at the value of the picture above the family hearth, since it was at least twice as big as that.

until he dies at the end of the second act.

BASED ON A TRUE STORY

People crawling around inside an air duct.

Technologically-advanced weapons of mass destruction that have an on/off switch.

Characters conveniently finding parking spaces directly in front of their destination.

Cartoon animals where the parents are not the same animal. Took the kids to see Kung Fu Panda at the weekend - Why is the Panda's father a duck FFS?!?!

Not so long ago I took them to see something cartoonish so dreadful that it starred male and female cows (Who walked around on their hindlegs and drove cars of course).