I see these nutters on TV preaching their bullshit, getting lotsa money from their congregations, getting untold tax exemptions, and generally leading a fairly undemanding sort of life. So I thought I might give it a go and start my own cult or religion, based on the worship of the almighty vegetable asparagus! I have already indentified a number of potential 'targets' within the asparagus-lover's community (which is growing by the day).

But what I really need are some good rituals that could be performed using asparagus. I'm bereft of any really good ideas on that front. Its obvious phallic properties suggest endless possibilities, but nothing I've been able to 'lock-in' so far. Also, it needs to be impressive - for the thousands of dedicated followers.

Of course, followers would have to submit to regular urinalysis, to ensure that they are taking the correct asaparagus 'dose'. Colour and smell are a dead giveaway.

But what I'm really after is a 'performance' of sorts at some kind of altar or shrine. Any ideas?

Why not make it the Cult of White Asparagus. Its pretty eerie looking stuff, so for superstitous types...you've already got a hold over em.

My favorite vegetable, so count me in. Do I get to wear antlers and get first crack at ceremonial virgins?

My Crap ESP must have kicked in early this morning for while I was bathing I too considered starting my own religion, but based on Marvel Comics.

If someone else wants to they could start one based on DC Comics and we could have fights, which are an important part of religions.

The Marvel universe is fucked though. You have Ghost Rider going to hell but then you also have the norse gods and the greek gods, plus where do the Eternals fit in, never mind Eternity. Where would you start?

Stick with the Green Lanterns. ;)

asparagus makes your urine smell lovely (to me).
surely this is its' holy descent, having passed through the mortal body & now returns to the cycle of life.
Perhaps a kind of spiritual communion as the waters mix (urine & toilet bowl)
Recordings could be made.
Incense could recreate the scent.
And a holy scripture could be made of Love in the time of Cholera, which alerted me that i was not a freak.(in this case)

Spargel Meister.

He's wearing a giant head-cabinet with luminous bottles of alcohol encased inside! ^_^

Where do we sign up?!

Loyal disciples, spreading the word:

The Fingers of God!

It is sacriledge to photograph the holy digits!

Remove this profanity at once, or a curse on your piss be upon you all!

:devil2:

Yeah, that white asparagus is wierd looking shit, and it could certainly have a prestigious role in the rituals - like only used on special occasions. Mind you, I wonder how nutritious a chlorophyll-deprived plant can be? If it was sliced thinly across its width it would resemble the Catholic eucharist!

I should ask that all potential devotees give 10% of their income to the church's account - the Great Leader must be seen to be wealthy and successful.

Well of course Kitchens - and hanging out in them - would form a big part of the cult.

Such dedication snowey. You truly are a committed follower.

And it's an aphorodisiac!
Your army of followers would breed like rabbits!
You could hole yourselves up in an armed compound surrounded by asparagus field until the FBI attack and...erm,no, that's been done come to think of it... :mellow:

The Serpent Creator of the world embarked upon a journey across Its newly made world, in a ship that looked not unlike a long canoe. And all across the earth, where the serpent had passed, grew up Asp--Argosy,s, which the people did come to name in their primitive tounge Asparagus.
(Got to have a myth Freddie)

Could we just spend all our time thwacking each other on our respective bums with the stuff? Simple yet effective. You'd get loads of people signing up. I know , I've 'heard about' clubs where this goes on.

Sounds good to me :)

erm... I hate to be the one to tell you, good Marmot, but those are not 'the fingers'...

This sort of behaviour would have to be taken on a case-by-case basis - to be decided by the Sacred Asparagine Ministry...

After having consulted with the other annointed member of the Ministry, and having tested the ritual out for ourselves;



This most blessed act of worship has been accepted into The Cult of Asaparagus by the unanimous decision of the Ministry. :applaud:

Asparagine - the principle animo acid in asparagus (ie. the 'acid' we all get-off on. :o )

Mmm nice arse Fred

Just wondering what position one holds in the Asparagus Cult if your a woman thats not an asparagus virgin?
Would we be the spanker or the spankie

:lol:

Jeez, 'The Man' and his cohorts are already trying to shut my aspiring cult down! :banghead: I suppose it would be acceptable to show a pic of a bikini clad girls arse getting whipped by vegetables.

OK then, if you must... :rolleyes:

havent been able to find one ...yet.

But I did find a good instructional pic for the girls:

I had the opportunity to launch my cult last night; the local bar held an 'A-party' and I went as the Asparagus King - wearing my Asparagus Crown.



50% of the party-goers came dressed as an Arab; I was accompanied by the 'Angel of Death' and an 'Arab' - who was originally dressed as one of the Asparagus King's apostles, but then we strapped a bomb to him and called him an 'Arab'. The funny thing was, when he knocked 'the bomb' (here:

off the bar at one point during the night we both jumped out of our seat!

But the night gave me the chance to promote my cult. The 'deformed' (a conjoined twin) asparagus at the front of my crown attracted alot of comment, and from that starting point I was able to asess how pliable their personalities were. Perhaps as sales of the exalted vege skyrocket folks will become dependant on it, and will then be at my mercy. :devil:

The Angel of Death came 2nd in the 'best costume' compitetion - but there were no prizes for coming 2nd.

I had a woman telling me all night that there was no such things as the 'asparagus king' - it didnt bother me tho' cos any publicity is good publicity in my book and if she couldnt let the subject go then my costume had done its job.

I am now expecting demand for a cult to reach fever pitch, which will set the stage for my appearance as the saviour.

Your very lucky no one had a nibble on your big asparagus Fred :D

Or is that a part of the initiation ceremony, big boy ;)

Have you seen the movie Election and in particular the scene where the character Tammy Metzler and the (female) object of her affections eat asparagus and then test how long it takes to make their urine change colour?

Interesting counterpoint of the obviously phallic properties of the vegetable compared with the lesbian overtones of that scene. Still, a possible focus for your religion.

Cant say I have seen it (altho' I wouldnt put too much stock in my short-term memory these days) but I'm gonna have to seek it out now, and add it to my collection of 'Asparagus in Popular Culture'.

Obviously, it has the capability to attract all kinds of people, and i wouldnt want to prevent lesbians on joining my cult simply becasue they wont fuck me - altho that exemption wont apply to straight women. :lol: (better not let the missus see this thread :ohdear:).

Whaddya mean "a possible focus" - its the focus; the one and only.

What, you mean your religion is going to be about the counterpoint of the phallic nature of the vegetable as compared with the practice of teenage lesbians eating it to see how long it takes to make the pee change colour?

That's very specialised.

:lol: that cracked me up.

"specialists' pay better anyway.

Oh yeah, its about sex and money (nearly forgot $$$ :ohdear: )

That's crazy! Who could possibly make money out of teenage lesbians?

Susie Sue

Please elaborate Snake Eye.

yes plz, snake eye, we want details!

The first structure to go up in the Cult's compound will be the Mastabatorium - all welcome. :lol:

From the BBC:

Asparagus mystic offers tips for the future

Last Updated: 4:01pm GMT 12/03/2008

A fortune-teller has claimed she can divine people's futures by using asparagus

Jemima Packington, who likes to call herself the UK's only "asparamancer", has been testing out her technique at the British Trade and Travel Fair at Birmingham's NEC.

Ms Packington, from Worcester, throws the asparagus spears onto the floor and makes her predictions based on how they land.

She says she stumbled across her asparagus-predicting skills a few years ago by chance, after some stalks fell on the floor and she made a prediction which came true.

She told BBC News: "I can't even remember what prediction I made when I was young but my family went very quiet and it came true and the rest is history."

She has even used her gift of asparagus foresight on actor Tony Robinson, who played Baldrick in the comedy series Black Adder.

The asparagus he threw landed in the shape of a number four. Ms Packington predicted he should grab an opportunity that would present itself.

He said he felt as if a great burden had been lifted off his shoulders after his mystical encounter.

Ms Packington was at the fair to help promote the asparagus industry in Worcestershire, which is the largest producer of the vegetable in the UK.

Oh Hipper :) I forgive you Hipper for you know not what you do :lol:
He needs so little encouragement :wub:

Hmm... the 'asparamancer'. :applaud: Eggs ill int. I feel some serious plagiarism coming on...

I will grant you a tax exemption Fred, on the proviso your lovely partner no longer disparage us with the length of your asparagus.

Hey, we at IRD had to watch 217 Carry on Benny Emery tapes to make that decision ya ever growing member of the Phallus worthy pun fun tax category ya!!

And just so you dont get big headed, realise carnivorous sex workers have their own tax booklet (TRUE). Keep sending in the pics and submissions around social club time though, and we might stop taking the evidential piss.

I appreciate your clemency! It had to be mentioned.

The story was from the Telegraph, not the BBC. NOt sure whay I made that mistake.

I wasn't sure if you'd be going for the lawsuit response, or if you'd just be glad to find that there's someone else, erm, like you. ;) These things can be important.

In my own case, I know that one day I'll meet someone else who collects bits of twig, and I know it will make me even happier.

The newswires are today reporting no back-up sotries, with no trace of new asparamancers suddenly revealing themselves.

You gotta get da fuk outta dodge, Df. There was a time when nobody admitted working for that particularly fascist institution. Bloodsuckers that they are and well-hated throughout the country. My 'in-law's business gets absolutely killed by tax... :banghead: (not that I hold u responsible.)

It seems Asparagus Spears have as much credibility as Britney Spears these days