Although this story may seem rather far fetched, I can personally vouch for its validity and accuracy. It occurred in the not too distant past, but of course due to the sensitivity of the details many of the names of those involved have been changed. This is the story of a small chap who came to be known as Ken Kidney. He was a strange young fella indeed, and to put it bluntly when he came into this world he was quite right. When his mother gave birth she was surprised to find that her offspring was a living kidney, he had no brain, limbs or main arteries, and although it seems impossible, he was alive and healthy. Now he wasn’t too good at moving around and had great difficulty in communicating in any way whatsoever , but his mother still loved him a great deal. He was christened Kenneth Albert Charles Kidney. His earliest years were the easiest because he was least different from other children of his age. He was as happy and gay as happy and gay could be, and he would play with all the other toddlers in the sand pit in the park. He was one of the first to learn to swim, although his method was simply to allow his natural buoyancy to keep him afloat whilst looking a little like a human accident. This helped avoid any other swimmers from coming to close, and he would have the pool to himself. His earliest taste of fear came when he paid a visit to his mums work. She was having financial difficulties, Ken’s father Earnest had fled to Afghanistan to fight and had left no money for his new family. She had to go back to work and take Ken with her, she hoped that in such a big factory that he’d be no trouble and would hardly be noticed. This proved to be a bad decision, because the other Cross and Blackwell staff mistook Ken as a filling for one of their tasty pies. Ken struggled and flinched but was saved at the last possible second as his mother intercepted. She realised it was far too dangerous and started him in a local nursery. But Ken found it very hard from the first day, the other children were much bigger and scary and he was left alone in a corner. He would have cried if he could, but he couldn’t so he didn’t. The other children could never accept him and soon started to bully him. They sat him in a cart and pushed him down a hill, and even when he started first school the relentless mickey taking did not stop. The other children began to physically abuse Ken, he would get a punch in his kidney is he didn’t hand over all his dinner money. The worst culprit was Generous George who would steal from Ken and buy all the girls sweets and biscuits. The girls would swoon and Ken would plan his murderous revenge. This carried on for years but then one fateful day Ken discovered he had an amazing talent that would show everyone that he was useful. On his fourteenth birthday an extraordinary event occurred. It was just after football training, which had seen Ken picked last again and stuck in goal as always. He was in the shower when he suddenly felt a liquid coming out of him, he tried to scream, but nothing. He went to the school matron who was alarmed to discover it was BILE. When everyone found out, they all wanted to see Ken and be his friend. He was suddenly the most popular kid in school, he managed to neck all the best girls, although however hard he tried he could never get it up. He managed to pull the best looking girl in this town, Tracey Clap, but he soon came to realise she was only after one thing, and he refused to produce bile for her. She went crazy, she tore her hair out but Ken remained indifferent. She couldn’t help herself, and in a final fit of anger she picked Ken up and took him to a hospital. To be transplanted! They stuck him in a freezer, ready to be airlifted to a host. Although it was cold, Ken began to think that it wasn’t such a bad thing. He would finally be normal. The next thing he knew he was being squeezed and pushed around, and then he was stitched up to some valves, then for a second or two, Ken felt a warmth from deep within. He felt like he really belonged. But then he had a fearful shock, he heard a loud booming voice. He recalled his biology lessons, and the fundamental lesson that in the body there was one organ that ruled with an iron fist. The dreaded BRAIN. In his excitement he had forgotten that now he was simply another part of the body to be commanded to by the brain.
“Produce bile now, you low life piece of tissue!” BRAIN commanded.
“I want my mummy!” Ken whispered
“Kidneys talking back? You disgusting little bile bag. I’ve never heard anything like it!” the BRAIN boomed.
“If you want to get anywhere in here listen to Brian Brain” came another voice, “It’s the only way.”
All these voices began speaking, and ken couldn’t comprehend what was going on. He thought that this is what he wanted but it was nothing like he had imagined. Then one voice sound above every other, it was Brian Brain and he said simply “Get out, you’re rejected.”
“Rejected?”
“Yes. Now fupp off”
And that was it, Ken had been rejected, even in a proper body Ken was an outsider, a reject. He disconnected himself from the urethra and renal arteries and slipped away quietly. From that moment on he was a Kidney failure and knew that he could never return home. He was often found in the middle of train tracts or jumping off bridges trying to end it all. In one moment of utter desperation he called the Samaritans, but his lack of vocal cords ended the conversation before it had ever begun. He never did see his parents again, although he did hear a story about his father, who had apparently been arrested on 32 counts of cannibalism in south east Vietnam. Ken became a down and out Kidney on the harsh streets of London. He would down a bottle of Vodka but it would run right through him. He eventually died aged 37 when a stray dog mistook him for donner meat and ate him. Rest in peace Kenneth Kidney.

Um.

erm...

I cannot believe I read the entire of that, just in case there was a punchline.

Did you notice what the initials of the protagonist were?

That made my eyes hurt!
also, the kidneys do not produce bile, that would be the liver and gall bladder.

Hahahahahha!!! That was a story i wrote when I got detention for fupping about in a biology class when i was 13, and I found it yesterday. It was the dumbest thing i had ever read :D

...and suddenly the entire story maks sense. i've wasted alot of time like that :\

(except now i have the silver sun board to use when i should be writing english evaluations :P )

:wacko: :wacko: my head hurts ! :blink: :blink:

I remember at school (and at a similar age), a friend of mine got into trouble so he had to sit and write an essay. He chose to write one about going to see Mount Etna. It went something like this... I remember it pretty clearly.

Day 1:

In ten days, I am off to see a mountain called ETNA

Day 2:

In nine days, I am off to see a mountain called ETNA

(etc.)

Day 11:

I am at ETNA. There is lots of bright red stuff coming out of the top.

AND THEN I DIED

___________________

He got in even more trouble.

yeah, it's a pity that teachers still use detention. unless you're given the work to ctch up on, it's just pointless. The last time i was detentioned, i thoroughly deserved and i felt waaaaay to guilty to be cheeky.

The last time I was detentioned, I lived in America. I hadn't done anything wrong. I had to wait behind after school for 15 minutes and was told that they didn't want to hear me breathing.

I was 8.

Bring back the cane, I say!