Good grief, this board is getting very quiet. I don't mind for the board's sake, but I miss chatting to you all!

When you run out of things to say in the pub, you drink beer, or play pool or something, and at least you're still hanging around together. But when you run out of things to say online, it's like everyone's disappeared (and I know you're all still hanging around).

So, let's talk about something. I know - I'll get some inspiration from Dan's favourite messageboard, which has picked up a lot recently. Back in a minute.

OK, here are some particularly successful topics from the Human Beatbox forum. Take one and discuss.

* Let's see how sexy you are (5,500 posts so far)
* The Greatest Accomplishment in Your Life
* Bristol thug life and muggings (Damian will be an expert here I believe)
* IKEA
* Do you wash your penis properly? (Standards are lower there than on this board)

Right then. I'll take 'em all on.

1) Good grief. The Internet is the most "emo" place in existence, isn't it? I think the more confident someone feels about themself, the less they talk about it. The Internet certainly seems to bear this argument out...
2) Learning to get less stressed out about things. I spent my twenties feeling angry too much of the time until I worked out how not to be. I'm now about as zen as you can get about stuff in general, unless it's properly worth worrying about.
3) Heh - wait until you see the area where that Kid Carpet gig is, Philonski. Having said that, I've been mugged twice and on both occasions it was in Manchester, a long time ago. The first time I refused to give them anything, the second time the odds were slightly more against me (night time, middle of nowhere, two of them) and they got about 50p.
4) There's an IKEA a couple of minutes' drive from my flat. I used to despise the place until I actually went in there and realised that amongst the tat, there's a lot of genuinely very useful and practical stuff, especially if you live in a relatively small property (as I do) and need to build 'up' rather than 'out'.
5) If I didn't shower once a day, I'd feel dirty. Four or five days a week it's twice due to swimming. Which isn't a direct answer to the question but it'll do.

So that's Dan's favourite message board, huh? Funnily enough, my friend Teresa actually had to look at an anagram server yesterday in a matter related to her job, and at the same time she put in various names, including his. Dan's name is an anagram of "Slanted Owl". Which is nice.

Hell, I'll bite.

How sexy I am:
Um... most of you have met me so there'd be no point answering this 'cos you'll know I'm lying. Unless you think skinny long-haired morons are sexy, I suppose.

The greatest accomplishment in my life:
Not dying yet.

Bristol thug life and muggings:
I thought Bristol was thoroughly nice, but then I have only been there twice. I know it's got a bad name an' all but I didn't see any of it. Muggings... eh, I've never been mugged, though God knows they've tried. Allow me to set the scene. A couple of years ago, back home in my east coast town of doom, I was walking home from the station about 7pm after work, when I chanced upon a group of delinquents aged anywhere between 10-14 hanging around outside Blockbuster. The conversation went roughly like this:

Moron: "Oi mate, what you got on ya?"
Me: "Phone, iPod, wallet, just the usual..."
Moron: "Hand 'em over."
Me: "Haha, what?"
Moron: "I said hand it over or you'll get cut."
Me: "Haha, go home kid, it's past your bedtime."

...me continued on my walk home, chuckling. Worryingly, I've had that conversation more than once.

IKEA:
Never been there, never going to, 'nuff said.

Let's take my general lack of horrible diseases as an answer to the last one.

I've never been mugged, and my experience of Bristol has been nothing but lovely, but (and this is an anecdote I told over Christmas to great gasps of horror from non-Londoners) a few years ago, I spent a short time living in New Cross. It's a horrible place. Dan and I had just started going out and he gave me my first Christmas present, wrapped up in a largeish box, ready for me to take home and open on Christmas Day. On the way back to my room in New Cross, I came out of the tube station and thought, "Crikey, if I get mugged, I'll never get to see what Dan's bought me for Christmas. How would I explain that to him?!" and was really nervous. Five seconds later, the woman walking just in front of me got mugged! Phhhheww!

Did you intervene? I chased a mobile phone mugger in Bristol city centre when everyone else stopped and watched. I'm not sure if this is wise or not. I managed to get up to him and knock him down then everyone just stared and time kind of froze. He thought quicker than me, said "my phone!", got up and ran off, passing it to someone else who kept running. I ran a bit further but they got away, and as I did so I bumped into Teresa (whom many of you know), coming in the opposite direction looking highly puzzled. They got the guy later.

I swear I didn't make a word of the above up.

No of course I didn't intervene - I was carrying a large box! And anyway, I'd never intervene if it was just theft (especially not in New Cross). I probably would if someone was being physically attacked, unless there was a gun. When we did firearms in my self defence class, I got shot in the head - I'm not confronting an armed madman until I've got the hang of not getting shot in the head.

1 Does that involve posting a photo or is it by other means?
2 It's yet to come.
3 Nottingham is the only place I've ever felt a threatening atmosphere, but safety on the streets in this country does seem to be declining.
4 I've never been there, but it gets on my nerves how some people seem to think it's the household answer to everything. Surely that's not the case?
5 Do you wash your ankles properly? That bit in between your feet (which I'm sure you scrub) and your knees. I think ankles are the forgotten part of the human body.

Can anyone beatbox? I thought I couldn't, but then someone who apparently could was coaxed into beat-boxing at a place I used to work...we didn't know where to look, so judging on his performance I'm a better beatboxer than him. A cruel colleague kept making him beatbox to others too. :lol:

Did it hurt when you got shot in the head?

Ha. For a moment I thought you were referring to Bristol. I was very confused.

Being shot didn't hurt, but it was a big shock. The classes were really good - they spent the first hour or so telling you really horrific stories, really appalling true stories of terrible things that people have had happen to them, until the point where you are as genuinely full of adrenaline as you would be in that sort of situation. Then by the time anyone attacks you, you're fighting them off for real. It's completely draining - you come out shaking and covered in cuts and bruises and you can't do anything for the rest of the weekend.

Okay, from the mature side of the board *ahem*

1) At my age? Count the wrinkles, my dear!

2) Alex and Bethan's existence (Not actually ALL my own doing. I had some help, you understand.)

3) Carolyn & I loved Bristol. let's face it, we saw the best band in the world up close and intimate, walked along the waterfront at midnight and drank in a less than salubrious establisment with members of the board, making good friends which hopefully will last. Never been mugged, but was once taken outside a pub and set upon for drinking with a black teammate after a cricket match in Peterborough. Good friend that he was, he pissed off and left me to it. Being the fearless, law abiding type, I reckoned on being fitter and faster than the thugs, and legged it. I was!

4) IKEA costs me a minimum of £100 every time I enter the place. Apparently I don't realise just how much I really need another seagrass container and set of glasses. But to balance things up, I am allowed to play golf every Saturday, so I reckon on two or three trips per year as a sort of pennance. Seems fair.

5) See 1. :lol:

1. Pretty damn sexy, even if I do say so myself!

2. So far I'd have to say my greatest accomplishment is...erm. Hm, I'll get back to you on that one.

3. Never been to Bristol but I was robbed at work last week. I work nights at a petrol station, alone, and I was coming back from the toilet when someone in a balaclava sprayed me with pepper spray. Dear God, that stuff hurts. I was straight down on the floor where they tied my wrists with duct tape and took cash and cigarettes. I won't be working there much longer. The surreal thing is because I'm locked inside I didn't expect anyone else to be in there so when I saw him I thought it was a joke for a split second. Another split second later I realised something horrible was about to happen. The thing that annoyed me most was the police took the Manics shirt I was wearing to try and identify the spray and I probably won't get it back. I loved that shirt (the green one from the Past, Present, Future tour which no-one is selling anymore. It went beautifully with my eyes and skin tone).

4. Never been to IKEA. I do like the feeling of accomplishment when I put together flatpack furniture, though.

5. First thing I do when I wake is shower. Every part of me is washed properly but I only wash my hair every other day. The hair on my head, that is.

Crikey, I bet that was a shock. Does pepper spray do any lasting damage? (And how come you won't get your t-shirt back? Isn't that just adding insult to injury?)

That's horrible, Stuart! If you don't get the Manics shirt back, let me know and I will see what (if anything) can be done...

Dear me, I'm glad you're okay! Keep at them with the Manics shirt, a friend of mine was mugged a few years ago and amongst other things, a SNES game of my brothers was stolen. The Police (nothing to do with Sting and co) recovered the items and we did get the game back from them...about a year later.

Thanks Alex - that made me chuckle!

Commiserations Stuart - I got robbed when I worked in a petrol station when I was at school, though I wasn't hurt. Brought back memories I'd rather forget tho!

Many thanks for your kind words.

Apparently, the chemicals they use to extract the spray are quite harsh so, to quote the police, it's 'unlikely' that I'll get it back in any wearable condition. Damian, I'd appreciate any help in locating another. I'm a medium, but not the spooky kind.

Pepper spray itself doesn't do lasting damage but it causes intense pain and is very disorienting. I went down like a sack of spuds and the pain I would liken to feeling as if your eyes are melting. There was also the fear of not knowing what it was at the time. You hear horror stories of acid and other horrible things. God forbid it should happen to anyone else, but if it does, don't try and wash it out with water. Go and stand outside in the fresh air and try not to rub as that just spreads it around and it makes your hands hot and itchy.

Again, thanks for your kindness, you really are a great bunch!

You may want to contribute to this Philonski - it reminded me of something you said somewhere on this board...

Hmmm, it's a bit elegant... It would be easy for the free papers to put a cheery angle on it and emphasise how much they're doing towards recycling.

I'd much rather roll up all the old newspapers and use them to batter the people in baseball caps who thrust them at me in the street. No, on second thoughts, that's not fair. Much better to use them to batter the people whose idea it was to train the people in baseball caps in a paper-thrusting technique that invades your personal space enough to make your blood pressure go up, but not quite enough to render the baseball cap arrestable for assault.

People handing stuff out are taught to invade privacy. I learnt this from, of all people, a Times journalist who once came out to watch me do some street teaming. Hand things at groin height to men and chest height to women, and they're more inclined to take it than brush past. Fairly obvious when you consider why...

I've just bought a new pair of speakers...............