Since there's a certain air of doom and gloom around this forum tonight, courtesy of London Undergound conspiring against us, I thought I would bring a more light-hearted touch to proceedings.

So, stop me if you've heard this one before:

Police announced today that they have discovered the body of Sophie Ellis-Bextor in the flat of a French international footballer. They are describing the case as "murder on Zidane's floor"...

:lol: That ones good.

I'm not good at typing joke out, though I'll think of one soon enough...

Rage Against The Machine were touring (before they split) and they played Sheffield. As you may know, this is the cutlery capital of the UK, and Zack de la Rocha (cultural magpie that he is) decided to visit a cutlery factory open to the public. At the end of the visit he decides he needs a souvenir and he picks up a shiny spoon with 'Sheffield' written on it. Then he queues up to pay for it. He gets near the front of the queue, then the man in front looks round and says 'um, mate, this is for forks here - spoons over there!'. Zack protests and says that it would take ages to queue all over again. Gradually everyone turns round to see what the fuss is, and finally an official walks over and says 'no sorry mate, spoons over there'. Zack takes a deep breath and shouts at the top of his voice....

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"FORK QUEUE I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!"

ha ha funny spoon joke *giggle* those silver sun promo pics came today- they are black and white, one is 'sun...' and the other is one with them holding a shark. i'll put 'em up (although i have a feeling everyone has seen them before)

haha...good one! I've never got any good jokes. :(

Heh, I like those jokes! My favorite (bad) joke was one that we used to use to tell if people were drunk. If you laugh, then you've had a little too much...




What did Hitler say to his men just before they got into their tanks?
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"Men, get into your tanks!"

I laughed, and I'm stone-cold sober... Perhaps I'm just naturally under the influence?

Last night I bought a David Blaine doll. Only problem is, I can't get it out of the box.

*slap*

How do you turn a duck into a popular singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers...

this thread is funny : D

A guy comes in to a hospital, with blood literally gushing out of his eye, literally, pouring. so he comes in, and the first room he stumbles into is a pedatric ward (that's feet BTW) and he goes to the first doctor he sees. he says "help me! please! help! my eye!"
and the doctor goes "i can't touch eyes! i'm a pedatrician!" and the guy says "no! please you have to help me! i'll die if you don't!" (and the blood is really pouring out of his eye now). the doctor says:
"sorry, i can't, i'm a foot doctor"
and he replies...












"i'll be foot to doctor if you don't help me!"


edit: i'm sorry. : p

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

too clever for me. what's a double entendre?

A truck carrying tortoises has collided with a truck carrying terrapins in Newcastle city centre. Police are describing the accident as a turtle disaster.

Q: What's the difference between an Airfix model without adhesive and David Beckham?
A: One's a glueless kit...

And just to get myself thrown off the board...

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you
didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=double%20entendre

"double entendre

n : an ambiguity with one interpretation that is indelicate"

Basically it's a bit smutty. :D

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain," he said.

They were just about to begin arguing with each other about whether it was raining or snowing when they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph
whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is
it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, "I know that felt like snow!"

To which her husband quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

You asked for it.

A couple go into a seafood restaurant. A man approaches and says 'My name is Gervais, and I will be your waiter for the evening. What would you like?' With that he points to the fish tank, and the couple realise that they choose their food, which is captured there and then and cooked. The lady points to a trout and Gervais nods. The man points to the squid and the waiter looks nervous...

'Are you sure you wouldn't prefer something else?' says Gervais.
'Positive, and the customer's always right' says the man.
'One moment', says Gervais, and runs into the kitchen looking terrified.

The man inspects the squid closer and notices that it has the meanest expression you've ever seen. And spookiest of all it has a hairy lip. A GREEN hairy lip, come to that.

Gervais runs up to the washer-upper.
'Hans, a man wants the squid...'
'Well, you're the waiter, it's your job, I'm not paid enough to do that...'
'Please...'
'NO!' (etc.)

They argue for so long that the couple get up and leave. And the moral of this story is...

Hans that do dishes can be as soft as Gervais with wild green hairy lip squid.

Now THAT is truly great!

damian - you had me gioggling for a good ten minutes there :P

That really is the worst joke I know, apart from one about a green golfball. However, that joke takes about half an hour to tell. Next time any of you meet me, feel free to ask, but be warned that you may regret it. It's the only joke I've ever told that has resulted in friends hitting me after hearing the punchline. This has happened several times.

This sounds great! Do tell!

It takes far too long, I'm afraid. 20-30 minutes talking, so goodness knows how long it would take to type it up. Plus, spoilsports could scroll to the bottom for the punchline, which would never do!

All the more reason to have a get together... or maybe you can be the opening act on the next Silver Sun tour??

yes. a get together. in manchester? certainly. but when?

*fake voice*

well. i suppose around the time the new album comes out would be best.

*end fake voice*

If I told that joke, none of you would ever want to talk to me again. Maybe I'll type it up for your consumption one of these days, if you promise to read it in full.

Manchester rocks, incidentally. I went to University there and know it really well.

Speaking of Manchester, what's achrinchton (sp?) like? I'm possibly going to be going on some courses up there for work in January..

Do you mean Accrington? Not sure what it's like, but my mate Ian Rush says that if I don't drink enough milk, when I grow up I'll only be good enough to play for Accrington Stanley.

Accrington Stanley? Who are they?

Exactly!

Ha! Nice post!

Oh, memories... Where did our childhoods go?

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot replied, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Ahh, nostalgia... not as good as it used to be, mind.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a*****e.

A skeleton walks into a bar. "Pint of beer and a mop, please."

Q What is "aibohphobia"?
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A. Fear of palindromes!

"rise to vote, sir!"

I thought we'd agreed that voting would take place AFTER the palindromes?

*forgets next line*

george bush has dinner with the queen...

GB " i'm thinking of changing america from a untited states"
Q "to what exactly"
GB "well i was thinking a kingdom"
Q "well george, You're not a king"
BG "good point queeny, well what about an empire?"
Q "george, you're not and emporer"
GB "dammit i forgot about that. what can i be?"
Q "leave it as a country"

haha, geddit?

alex