It’s been four months to the day since a man walked away from everyone who knew him. It’s been four months to the day since a man stood atop of the waterfall and threw himself over the edge. It’s been four months to the day since there were some who presumed that man to be dead. But he’s not dead. He’s still very much alive. Only one knows this though. Only one that he wanted to know this. Only one that he believed to really care. He knows nothing of what his disappearance has done to others. He knows nothing of the search that had gone on for him. Nothing.

It’s Sunday morning. The crack of dawn. The morning is crisp and clear. The light shines in through his bedroom window as he wakes. The man wakes and heads for the shower. After he’s done, he puts on a pair of black jeans, a dark blue t-shirt and his sneakers. He heads out into the kitchen to have a quick bowl of cereal. Frosted shredded wheat. His favorite. After he’s done, he washes the bowl and spoon. Dries them. And puts them away again. He leaves a note on the table for Jayme letting him know that he’s going for a walk and that he’ll find a phone to check in with him a little later. In his note, he assures his friend that he is okay and that he’s just merely going out for a walk in nature to see if he can write some more poems. He locks the front door behind him as he leaves quietly.

He doesn’t have a set destination as he leaves the house. Just going to where ever his feet take him. It’s a nice day for a walk. He’s got his black bag over his shoulder that holds the notebook he writes his poetry in and his pen. He lets his feet carry him where ever they may. He’s been walking for a while now and no where has reached out to him to sit down and try to write. Not yet anyway. So he continues walking deeper into the conservation. He can hear the river running and still he keeps walking. The birds in the trees are singing their morning songs. The morning dew still glistens the grass. He’s being careful to not disturb much if he can. Such a beautiful day for a walk.

He can hear the rushing of heavy water now as he continues walking. It’s the waterfall. He turns slightly so that he’s walking towards the sound now. Before long, he’s near the base where the water comes over the edge of the cliff above. He stands there for several long moments just looking up towards the top of the small waterfall. Small but yet powerful. Small but yet high enough that he’d been hurt badly enough to have almost lost his life in this very spot. Something pulls at him to move closer to the river. So he does so. He goes and sits on one of the large boulders at the rivers edge. The sound of the waterfall filling the air around him.

He reaches into his bag and pulls out his pen and notebook. Several more long moments are spent just staring at the moving water before the pen finally begins to move over the blank page in front of him...

“Can You...?

What once was lost,
Can now be found.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear my heart calling?
Calling to you.
Calling for you.
Missing you.
Wanting you.
Needing you.
Loving you.
Can you hear it?
Can you hear me calling you?”

((Poem written by me September 6, 2005))

It's been a little over four months since he's seen his smiling face, or his face at all. It's been just a little under four months since he's figured him to be dead. It's been a little under four months and he'd still sit alone, crying for his and Callie's lost. He's spent every night since then awake and in tears with nobody to cradle his broken and bleeding heart. It's been so long, but still he cannot forget as much as he wanted to. Today, this morning, is just another day filled with broken promises and empty wishes. It was just another day that he went on, his mind wandering into circles and straying from his useless thoughts. He cried so many days and nights that there were no longer any tears to cry.

He was dressed in his usual attire of clothing that he'd found crumpled in a heap in his bedroom or littered the apartment floor. Faded blue jeans and a black shirt. Plain, wrinkled and with no design on either of the articles of clothing. He didn't wear any shoes this morning as he walked through the woods. His hair had a chance to grow wrist length by now but he just kept cutting it in that uneven, choppy and layered style he did himself that fell a little past his shoulderblades.

His walks were no longer filled with pain in the physical sense, or at least not as much. Nothing would ever completely reverse the damage done to his legs, though Vivienne did a damn good job in at least repairing them. It didn't feel the same as it once had, but it was better than being trapped in the lonely confines of that wheelchair. But for all it was worth, his walks brought him a little bit of peace and sanity, knowing he could at least enjoy being outside again. It was something he'd taken for granted.

This walk had a purpose, though. There was something deeper and more meaningful than just the water or the warm morning sun calling to him. It was as if he were being pulled here by the already snapped strings of his heart.

He padded quietly through the wooded area, mossy areas soft and squishy as he walked through them. He wandered with a purpose to the the water, its calming sounds bringing him towards it. But no. That wasn't it at all. He stopped once he saw the figure writing poetry. Did... was... No, it wasn't. He was dead.

He stopped still, not in the sight of Erik yet. But he looks so much like him..

His vision was bleary now, his eyes rimmed with tears.

Why am I here?

It hurts so much...

He was so deep into his writing and watching where the waterfall touched down against the river that he almost didn’t feel the presence of anyone else. He just sat there. Zoned out pretty much. His head tilted to the side a little as his mind ‘heard’ someone speaking. He knows that ‘voice’. He knows that accent. His mind opened a little and he could /feel/ who was behind him. He knows. He knows full well who it is that’s standing behind him. And he knows full well what that person is feeling.

Slowly he turns his head towards the one not far from where he’s sitting. The morning sunlight dancing on his not so terribly pale face. He’s been spending quite a bit of time swimming in Jayme’s pool and getting some sun on his sickenly white skin. As a result, he’s got a little more color than usual. No words are spoken from him as he sits there watching the man he knows watching him...

((Sorry it's short O.o))

Unless Erik had a twin, that had to be him. But there was nothing Lucifer could do other than stare, gaze completely empty and devoid of anything. He was in blank shock. All the hurt and all the pain washed over him once again. Why...? Why?

"Erik..." It was nothing more than a low whisper.

Is this why he was here?

But... why?

He stood there, frozen even though he wanted to be beside him. He wasn't even more than two or three feet away.

Now... we all know that Erik doesn't have a twin. So Lucifer isn't seeing things. It really is Erik sitting there on that rock beside the river with the waterfall rolling over the cliff. All at once, all of Lucifer's feelings hit him like a ton of bricks. He took a sharp intake of breath as it all hit him hard.

His head nodded slowly as his name was whispered by Lucifer. "Yes..." he whispered back. "It... it's me..."

"I..." He was still whispering. "Thought you were... dead." He swallowed, biting the inside of his lip a little before letting it go. He took one step forward, wanting to come closer still though he wasn't sure Erik wanted him to. He told him they were still friends, but he didn't get a goodbye, so he just assumed he didn't want to see him again.

He slowly shook his head. "I... should have been...," he answered, not able to bring his own voice louder than a whisper either. He turned some more on the rock so that he was now entirely facing Lucifer. "But... I'm not..."

"Why...? I didn't want you to be." He took several more steps forward and then near faltered. From stress and because his ;egs weren't what they used to be. He straightened himself after near stumbling.

"I didn't... ever want that."

A frown crept onto his face as he listened quietly. "I... I wanted to be..." he said softly. Just barely above a whisper. "There was... nothing... going right. I... I was... a failure... at... everything. I... I hurt... too many... people." He watched as Lucifer took a few more steps towards him and just wished that the man would come all the way over to where Erik was sitting.

"But you weren't... to me." He said quietly, wanting to bite on his tongue so the words didn't come out but they just kept slipping before he could think what he was saying. He closed in two feet of space and was still coming closer, one foot away.

"I cried... every night... since the day I thought you were gone. Every night... to this day." He admitted, now a mere three inches away from Erik.

He smiled sadly as he watched Lucifer moving closer and closer. "I'm sorry..." he whispered once he was a mere three inches away. "I... never meant to hurt you... You're... the last person I ever wanted to hurt..." His hands came up out of his lap and moved to open his arms slightly. Hesitantly. Unsure...

He closed in one more inch with a small step and kneeled down beside him. "I know you didn't mean to... you never mean to.. I know." Lucifer believed that Erik could never hurt a person intentionally. It just wasn't something he'd do.

"I... just meant... I've missed you so much." And by that time he wrapped his arms around Erik, not caring whether it was a wrong thing to do or not.

Erik's arms easily wrapped around Lucifer as Lucifer wrapped his around Erik. He shifted to press his face against the side of Lucifer's neck. Holding on. Not wanting to let go. "I missed you..." he whispered against the side of Lucifer's neck. "I'm so sorry... I'm sorry that you've been hurting so badly with the thought that I was dead... I just... I just..." He wasn't sure of how to finish what he was trying to say. "It has nothing to do with you..."

Lucifer closed his eyes when Erik wrapped his arms around him. "I missed you too," he whispered back, holding him tightly and never wanting to let go either. He was fighting back tears. "It... it's okay. I forgive you." How could he not forgive him? He held him closer, tighter.

"I don't want you to hurt, either. I just didn't want you... to go... I wanted to say goodbye.

He breathed a sigh of relief as Lucifer's words came to his ears. He pulled back slightly after a few long minutes of just holding on. A hand came up and touched the side of Lucifer's face softly. "I was in a mental hospital for three months," he said quietly. "Someone found me after I'd jumped and rushed me to the ER." Yes. He knows who pulled him out. "I... jumped... from there." He turned slightly to point towards the top of the waterfall.

"I'm just glad you're all right and not..." dead, but he couldn't bring himself to say that. Hw couldn't bear the thought of losing Erik. Not again.

"I never wanted to lose you... and I... I missed you." He bit his lip to keep from crying. He wanted to say something else but he couldn't bring himself to. He had... Callie.

He nodded slightly. "It... it took a while," he said quietly. "My mind was such a mess that it caused me to regress back to being a five year old. I was like that for quite some time. The doctor that has been working with me from the start is a really nice lady and has helped me so very much."

He paused for a moment. "Before my mind regressed so far back, I had called my boss, Jayme, and basically told him I didn't want anyone to know where I was. After that conversation is when my mind snapped."

He watched Lucifer as he spoke to Erik. "I thought I'd never see you again..." he said as he ran his thumb on Lucifer's cheek. The scars on his own cheeks were pale in the morning sun light. One on the left and three on the right. (I think that's correct.)

Lucifer just watched with sad green eyes and still sort of held Erik loosely while he talked.

"I'm glad someone could help you..." he said very softly, looking up into his eyes. "but are you really better?" Somehow he knew the answer would be no. But he was too relieved that Erik was here and safe right now to care.

"Why did you leave?" He saw the scars but said nothing.

Erik slowly shook his head. "I don't think I'll really ever be entirely better," he answered quietly. "But I've been learning how to deal with things better than I have been. I've been learning to open up instead of keeping everything bottled inside to the point where it all explodes and I attempt to kill myself."

Why did he leave? That one wasn't as easy to answer as the other. "I... um..." he stuttered quietly. "It was all just too much for me to handle. I made promises that were impossible to keep and when something bad happened, my mind snapped and sent me over the deep end."

He slowly let his eyes close in thought and he nodded, staying silent for a time. "Learning is good," he said quietly. But sadly, he had no way of knowing whether he'd attempt to kill himself again. He wasn't going to get his hopes up.

"...I'm sorry," he said, even quieter now. Was Erik talking about Callie? She said she'd upset him but he still wasn't sure.

Erik kept his arms around Lucifer but was still holding his head back enough that he could be looking at Lucifer's face as they talked. With the help that he's been receiving from Dr. Lane and Jayme, the chances of him attempting to kill himself again were just that much slimmer. He really is learning to open up and not just keep everything tucked inside.

"It's okay," he said quietly. His words coming easier now that he was actually talking. "I can't go back to where I was though," he added after a few moments of sitting there quietly. "I just can't. It would send me back to the place in my mind that I just do not want to be again. Not ever."

"To where you were before?" He questioned softly, still holding Erik's gaze with his own eyes. He gently sighed, feeling like he couldn't help him at all. He wanted to help, though.

"I don't understand..."

Erik nodded slowly. He had actually expected Lucifer to say he didn't understand. Erik had been vague with his words. He wasn't entirely sure just how to put what he meant into words that didn't sound cruel or harsh. Finally, he decided that the only way he was going to make his meaning clear would be to just come right out and say what he meant.

"I'm not going back to Callie," he finally blurted out. "I just... can't." He dropped his gaze slightly so that their eyes were no longer holding. "The images she showed me are still very strongly burned into my mind. I can't get them out. Even through all the therapy and stuff that I've been going through."

He paused for a moment and lifted his gaze to meet Lucifer's gaze again. "I just... can't go back. If I do, I'll never be able to get past what it is that caused me to jump off the waterfall in the first place." Now he was ready for more questions that he was sure would come.

There were no more questions, just a sort of silent understanding on Lucifer's part. He did not pry and he did not poke into matters that were none of his business.

"That's understadable, Erik... nobody is going to make you go back to her..." Lucifer looked away when Erik dropped his gaze.

"Don't go back now if it hurts," the words were spoken softly and meant to soothe him.

He shook his head slightly.

"I don't plan to," he said quietly.

Pause.

"And don't plan to at all. I need to concentrate on me and getting 'better'," he adds.

"Which doesn't include me going back into that relationship or getting into another..."

He nodded slightly. He was silently looking at the water and listening to Erik's words. He wished things could've been different.

"That's good. You should always come first on your list of things to care about."

"Do what you have to."

Lucifer isn't the only one who wished things could have been different. Don't think that Erik's not thought about it before. But now, now he has to concentrate on making himself better. For his own good.

"One can't have too many friends though..." he says quietly. A hopeful sound in his voice.

"Of course not." He looked back to Erik as he spoke those words.

"Will you still let me be your friend?" He whispered.

He reached out a hand and took a hold of one of Lucifer's.

"Lucifer," he started softly. "Of course I still want you to be my friend." His voice soft and quiet but not yet a whisper.

"I care about you, Luc. Always have. And always will."

He swallowed hard and nearly choked. His eyes looked so tired and so sad, but his lips were drawn upward into the faintest of smiles. He looked down at his hand.

"Thanks, Erik.." e looked as if he were about to cry, but not because he was sad.

"Friends forever?" he asked in a pathetically quiet voice.

"Always," he whispered softly and leaned forward enough to hug Lucifer.

"Nothing will ever come between us... our friendship..."

He hugged his friend closely for a few moments before sitting back again. He still held Lucifer's hand in his own.

"Thank you..." he whispered in his ear again when he hugged him. Those words were non-threatening. He meant them so very much, though.

"Just... don't do anything stupid, okay?" his tone came up from a whisper but it was still soft. There were tears in his eyes.

"I don't want to lose you..."

(April, if you're still here I had to leave. Sorries.)

(It's okay hon. I'm still here :) Just eating breakfast as I type.)


He shook his head slowly.

"Don't worry," he said softly as he looked at Lucifer. "I won't be. Doing anything stupid I mean."

He gave Lucifer's hand a gentle squeeze.

"You won't be." His voice a near whisper. "You won't be losing me."

His own eyes looked to be filling with tears.

"I thought... I thought I'd never see you again. I thought... I'd lost you..." Because of the Callie thing.

How could he be sure? How could he know for certain he wouldn't be left alone again?

"Promise...? Promise you won't?" Lucifer just had to trust Erik. Trust someone again for the first time in a long time. He wanted to trust him, though.

Lucifer tried to swallow hardly to keep them from coming, but tears spilled down his cheeks anyway. He looked down at his hand still and tightened his grip on Erik's as he squeezed.

"'m... 'm.. I'm.. sorry... I.. I was just... scared." Scared that you didn't want me anymore...

He nodded his head slowly. Eyes not once leaving Lucifer's face as he did so.

"Yes," he said softly. "I promise."

He reached out his other hand and wiped at Lucifer's tears.

"Don't cry..." he whispered softly. "I'm still here."

Lucifer took a shuddery breath, feeling mildly pathetic.

"I... know... but I don't know for how long..." He bit his lip after saying that, looking up into Erik's eyes again.

He could understand Lucifer's concern. Honestly he could. Look at how many times Erik had stupidly tried to off himself already thus far.

"I'm still here and not going anywhere," he said softly. "I have learned from my last mistake that I really do have a lot to live for. There's things I want to do. Things I want to see."

He blinked and still held the inside of his lip firmly between his teeth. Then he nodded a little. That was the best he was going to get out of Erik.

"Okay... I believe you." He's stopped biting his lip, but he sounded like a small child. Last chance for his trust, Erik. Erik probably didn't realize how significant it was that Lucifer was trusting him again. He hadn't really trusted anyone in a long time.

He gave Lucifer's hand another gentle squeeze.

"Besides..." he says softly.

And pauses for a moment.

"I... I couldn't bear to hurt you..."

Pause...

"Again."

Lucifer swallowed again, looking down. He wanted to hug him again, to fall asleep in his arms. As a friend. He just wanted someone to comfort him, even if that was selfish.

"I... you won't, if you stay..." Stay alive, that is.