Just when he thought things were going to be okay, something had to happen to cause his mind to snap once more. He couldn’t take it. His heart couldn’t take it. He hadn’t been there to prevent it from happening. He hadn’t been able to prevent her getting hurt again. Worthless fuck that he is. Who the fuck was he kidding when he promised to take care of her and keep her safe? He sure as hell wasn’t fooling himself. He really was nothing more than a worthless bastard. Yes folks, Erik hates himself so much more than any other living (or dead) person ever could all put together.

It’s in the middle of the night, exactly midnight if you will. He had snuck out of the house while everything was silent and everyone was sleeping. Or at least, he assumed everyone was sleeping. Well, Cecily was probably indeed passed out from having healed Callie. If she wasn't sleeping, she was probably on the internet in her room but that was probably unlikely. Anyway, this is all beside the point and entirely away from the reasoning behind where Erik is going and what he is up to. Hold onto your hats folks because this isn’t going to be a pretty sight, I’m sure. Don’t shoot me, I’m just the messenger.

A note was left on the island in the kitchen. When did he have the time to write out this note? Who knows. Some time during it all he obviously had.

The walk to where he was headed took him roughly two hours or so. Thus, putting it at around two o’clock in the morning. He knew where he was going and made absolutely no stops along the way. His mind was set. Nothing would change it at this point in time. It would take a damn near miracle to get his mind off of where he was going and why. A miracle indeed.

He’d failed her. He’d failed her quite badly. He had promised to take care of her and protect her. He hadn’t protected her. He hadn’t been able to. He’d failed her horribly. Did he really think that he had been able to protect her all the time? He had hoped so. He had promised so. His mind was not being rational in the least at the moment. It was like it had snapped entirely. He wasn’t good for her. He knew that. He had known that from the start. But you can’t help who you love. You can’t help who your heart gives itself to.

He couldn’t help but think that she would have been safer if only he had just stayed away. George/Charlie was right, you know. He wasn’t good enough for her. He would never be good enough for her. She deserved so much better. God damn it, why did love have to hurt so fucking much? Why did he have to fuck up everything that came into his life? Yes. Erik blames himself. Entirely.

That’s what brings him here in the wee hours of the morning. Where is here you ask? Here is none other than the Lacroix river. While the Adelaide Waterfall may be considered a ‘small’ waterfall, it’s still big enough for the purpose that Erik has in mind. You’re probably wondering why Erik would be visiting the river and waterfall at two o’clock in the morning. Take a guess. You’ve got three guesses to see if you can come up with the answer yourself. Give up? Here’s a hint. What is it that Erik always tries to do when his mind has snapped? Oh come now. You must know the answer to this by now.

He’s standing at the top of the waterfall looking down at where the water crashes down. Are you ready for the real shocker of it all? Erik isn’t drunk. Nope. That’s one promise he made to her that he’s not going to break. Probably one of the only ones that he’ll never break. The other promise that he made to her that he’ll never break... he promised to love her always. And he will too. He’ll go to his death loving her. Only her. No one else. Not even himself.

Anyway, he’s standing there. At the top of the waterfall. Looking down at where the water crashes down. He stretches out his arms and closes his eyes. “I love you Callie,” he whispers to the night sky. And then it happens. He leans forward enough that he begins to fall. Falling. Falling. Plunging into the rushing waters at the base of the waterfall.

Blackness washed over him the minute he hit the water. He hadn’t even tried to fight it. The waves from the waterfall thrashed him about to and fro for a few moments before they pushed him out from under it. The waves shoved him out and down the river a ways. He’s floating. Drifting. The currents shift and push him towards the edge of the river. The currents were strong enough that they pushed him partly up onto the edge of the bank.

No. He’s not dead. Not yet. Chalk it up to another attempt at death failed. He couldn’t do anything right. Not even kill himself. What a failure at everything he really is. A complete failure indeed.

His mind is wandering now in his unconscious state. Wandering through the many memories that haunt his every day life. Haunt his every sleeping moment. Flashbacks I guess you could call them really. Flashbacks through the horrible childhood he had...

A little boy is huddling in the corner of a dark room. The boy looks to be no older than six years old. He’s wearing only a pair of faded blue shorts. Nothing else. There’s bruises all over his face and body. A lot of bruises. His hair is scraggly and unkept looking. The room is dark and the only thing in there is a lamp with a broken shade and a twin bed with nothing on it but a set of sheets. Dirty looking sheets.

Light suddenly shines in the room as the door opens. In walks a ragged looking woman wearing a short (very short) red mini skirt and a red halter top. The woman looks really haggard and a lot older than twenty four years old. She pauses a moment and looks around the dark room until she spots the boy.

“Get up,” she snaps at the boy. “We’ve got company.”

“No mommy,” he whimpers. “Please don’t make me.”

“Get up off the damn floor already boy,” she snaps at him again and begins to walk around the bed where the little boy is cowering.

“Please mommy,” he whimpers as his eyes begin to well up with tears. “Don’t make me...”

A ragged hand reaches out suddenly and yanks the little boy up by his hair. “I said to fucking get up and I meant it!” she shouts at him. “Now move your pathetic ass. We’ve got company.” She shoves him towards the bedroom door.

He has no choice but to go as he stumbles towards the door. He’s trying to fight back the tears as they begin rolling down his face. The little boy tries to take his time by walking painfully slowly down the hallway that seems, to him, to go on forever. She doesn’t let him take his time though as she reaches out and gives him a harsh shove on the back of his head. He stumbles down the hallway at a faster speed.

In the livingroom is a single ragged looking couch that really should be thrown in the garbage instead of being used and a glass coffee table. That’s it. No TV. No nothing. Sitting on the ragged looking couch is a gruff looking man. Quite ugly in all honesty. He’s a bit on the heavy side, wearing jeans that have holes in a bunch of spots and a tattered flannel shirt that’s unbuttoned and showing off his grossly hairy chest and stomach. He has a beard that’s thick and bushy.

The little boys eyes widen in fright as his mother shoves him towards the man. “A deal’s a deal,” she tells the man. “This is my end of the deal. Now you hold up your end.”

“Cool yer jets Krys,” the man tells her. “I gots ta look ‘im over first.”

The woman stands there impatiently with her arms crossed over her barely covered small chest while the guy grabs the little boy and looks him over. The man makes the little boy turn in place so that he can look at every inch of him.

“Yer sure ain’t no one gonna come chargin’ in outta the blue and be sendin’ me ta jail?” the guy says.

“Of course I am. We’d both end up going to jail you fool. Now come on. Hand it over.” She’s antsy. Why? You’ll see in just a moment.

“Aight,” the guy finally says as he’s pinching the little boys bottom. He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a small plastic baggy. The woman snatches it out of his hand and all but dives at the glass coffee table where she pours out the cocaine.

“The room’s back there,” she says with a wave of her hand to dismiss both the boy and the man.

The man doesn’t have to be told twice. He reaches down and picks up the little boy to carry him down the hall. He’s far too impatient to bother with waiting for the boy to walk down the hall himself. Once the man reaches the room, he closes the door behind him and drops the boy on the bed....

Charlie was in Erik's dreams. He'd optefd not to visit Callie's she was making so much progress. Erik had asked him for halep, and he had begrudgingly agreed. He did not go back on his word.

This wasn't good, more memories and fragments. With his will Charlie dispelled them. He was in a field now, freshly plowed, above a pink and orange sunset clung to the fringes of the sky and a pale moon sliver peered down at them.

"What is it with you people tormenting yourselves with the past?" Charlie said tiredly.

The boy was suddenly no longer a boy but a full grown man standing in a freshly plowed field. He blinked a few times and began to turn his head in the direction the voice came from. A frown came to his face as he looked upon Charlie. He turned his head away and let himself sink to the ground.

“Doesn’t matter,” he muttered sadly. “My body will be dead soon anyway.”

"WHAT!?!?!?!?" He snapped. What stupidity have you done now.....you should have called me so I Could shoot you myself!!!!!!"

“Go ahead. Kill me. Let me die. Like I care right now. I’m nothing but a worthless fuck anyway,” he mumbled as he flopped his head down onto his knees. “I wasn’t there for her. I wasn’t there to protect her.”

"Altight worthless fuck what are you talking about?" Charlie demanded his patience waning fast.

“She was attacked. While I was at work. She was... she was...” he began to stutter at this point and tears rolled down his face. “Raped...”

His mind began doing all sorts of weird shit at that moment. Strange images began popping up here and there. Weird shit really. A knife was in his hand now out of the blue. He sat there staring at it blankly.

"And you're not with her?" Charlie roared grabbing the knife. "What have you done you stupid faucking asshole, where are you right now? The cliffs again?" He demanded cold fury smoldering in his eyes.

Erik’s mind continued to snap and do weird shit in the ‘dream’. “Doesn’t matter...” he muttered over and over again. Arms wrapped around his legs and he began rocking himself back and forth. A wall appeared behind him and the back of his head hit it over and over again with his rocking. "Lookit the pretty waterfall mommy," he muttered out of the blue. Blood was forming on the wall behind him.

Meanwhile, Erik's body was starting to shiver violently.

"You are a moron." Charlie said. The damage here, however graffic wasn't real. Charlie caused George to rouse.

It was Two AM and somewhere Erik was in the river near hypothermic shock. "Fuck!" George yelled. He climbed from bed and pulled on his trousers in place of pajama bottoms. He slid on sandals grabbed his keys and pulled a sweater on as he left the shop.

It took him twenty minutes to find Erik in the river. This like all the other attemps had failed. Erik had drifted and then snagged in some low lying branches the over hung the river. The current here was not strong enough to be deadly.

Charlie threw his sweater on the hood of the van with his flashlight. The van was still running. He managed to get his arms around the other man and drag his limp unconcious form to the van. Then he drove to the hospital after securing Erik in his passenger seat.

The ER staff was very curious about what had happened. Charlie explained this was another in a series of attempted suicides. It would be the last time he would see Erik for a while.

When he ws done at the hospital he caved in....he headed for a bar, any bar, it didn't matter which one.

Erik had already started to babble in an incoherent manner by this point in his ‘dream’. It signaled the poor guy really losing it at this point. And he really was by now. His mind had cracked. His spirit broken. His heart broken. As broken as his battered and nearly dead body that was shivering violently and starting to turn blue. He knew nothing of being found, put in the van or driven to the hospital. None of this was known to the one whose mind had snapped.

Doctors and nurses raced around the bluing body in a rush to prevent him from dying. Hours passed and they finally managed to get him stable. Physically stable that is. Now that he was stable and they were certain he wasn’t going to die on them, they began inspecting the deep scars all over his body. One of the doctors shook his head. “Someone go call Dr. Lane. It looks like we might have a possible patient for her if this guy pulls through.”

Jordan picked up the phone and listened carefully as the ER physician briefed her. She told him to keep her posted.

In the morning She was called and told he was no longer critical, but he was not yet awake. They still wanted her to come have a look. She agreed since she still had time to check in with the ER before making her own rounds for the morning on the psych ward.

Erik’s mind flittered in and out of consciousness throughout the night. The few times that he seemed to ‘wake’, he was totally incoherent. It was like trying to talk to a two year old. Very little of what he managed to mumble made any sense at all. The doctors had been able to get his name and stuff from his ID in his wallet. That’s about it though. The address on the ID was outdated since he no longer lived in California.

“Dr. Lane,” came a gruff male voice as the woman was heading towards the ER. “I think you’re going to find this one interesting to say the least.” The nurse behind the desk snickered.

Jordan did not find the case amusing in the least. She had no words for the snickering nurse as she reviewed Erik's chart. She let herself into his room and shut the door behind her. He was restrained as a precaution, against the hospital bed and on an IV drip. She reviewed his care instructions on the clipboard at the foot of his bed. They were keeping him sedated.

A physician's assistant came in to administer more sedatives and she shook her head. "Let's let him come around so I can asses him, please." she siad softly and with that the P.A. nodded and left her alone with Erik.

His head began to move back and forth and a slight groan escaped from him. Eyelids began to open slightly but his eyes were very nearly rolled back in his head. He was so pale. So very pale. Deep scars could be clearly seen on both of his arms because of the way he was retrained to the bed. Incoherent words were mumbled.

"Mr. Sokoll." Jordan said very quietly. "My name is Dr. Lane, can you hearm e? You needn't talk, simply nod if you can." she told him. She jotted down notes about the numerous signs of self mutilation and waited to see how responsive he was this morning.

He heard a voice. A voice. A woman’s voice. His body flinched visibly against the bed. Tears welled up in his eyes and began to roll down the sides of his face. “I sorry mommy. I sorry,” he muttered out of the blue.

Wait. That wasn’t mommy’s voice. Whose voice was that? His head nodded ever so slightly as he finally seemed to understand that he was being asked if he could hear her.

"Are you in any physical pain right now?" She asked him. she jotted down notes on his initial responses to her outloud.

Physical pain? What was that compared to the pain he felt inside?

Eyes seemed to finally no longer look like they were rolled back in his head. He appeared to try to be focusing on the face that the voice was coming from but he couldn’t. He tried to lift his head and winced.

A slight nod was offered. His body was quite bruised from the trip down the waterfall. A few broken ribs resulted as well.

"I was afraid of that, they've ordered sedatives for you but nothing for your pain. More barbaric nonsense about how the unconcious do not feel pain. Would you like me to prescribe something to take the edge off the pain. I won't order anything strong since you're already on sedatives. " she told him.

Was being kept sedated a bad thing? In Erik’s case, probably. It meant that his mind was able to continue to take him places that he didn’t want to be. The more his mind took him to those unpleasant places, the more it caused him to break. He was broken. As broken as a glass thrown to the floor.

He nodded his head slightly again. Lips parted as he opened his mouth to try to say something. All that came out was a groan.

"I'm going to have the sedative changed as well, something milder." she told him and began writing on his chart. She moved to his side then and checked his restraints. "Are these painful?" She asked, His arms were not at the kindest angle. Suggesting there may have been struggling at some point.

His eyes tried to follow her as she moved but were unable to. It caused his head to begin to spin and a feeling of wanting to vomit raced over him. His face turned an icky color for a moment before it finally went away. Again with the nod of his head. His arms twisted behind his back would be more comfortable than the way they were being held now.

"I'm going to reposition your arms. And change your sedative to something to help you sleep but address your vertigo. You are concussed. " She said then slowly and very carefully she repositioned his arms. She was conscientious of his bruises while she did. She also looked over teh extensive scars more.

"Do you think you'll be ready to try eating at all today, or shall we try that tommorow?" she asked him

He was far too out of it still to put up any struggle in the least as she fixed how his arms were. The scars on his arms would show that he had cut himself pretty deeply at one point or another. Some scars were obviously older than others. His face turned an ashen shade of grey at the mention of eating. He shook his head slightly.

"Tommorow then." she told him in a soft tone. She leaned out and handed the Nurse the chnages to his care instructions so the medication changes could be made.

"I'm going to have them move you upstairs. I'll come by to check on you in the morning, If I don't this evening." she told him. She gave his hand a gentle squeeze before going.

He couldn’t help but flinch slightly at the touch of her hand on his. Yes. He’s withdrawing from the world at the moment. Doesn’t want anyone to touch him. Unfortunately, he’s not able to voice that at the moment. Sure, he can open his mouth but no legible words come out.

A couple of hours passed and a nurse came into the room. “We’ve got your room upstairs all ready to move you into,” she told him. He just laid there blinking at her. He was ‘with it’ more than he was that morning when Dr. Lane had been there. The sedatives had been slowly wearing off. The nurse reached over and undid one restraint and then went over to the other side of the bed to undo that one as well. He kept himself still. For the time being anyway.

However, the moment both of his arms were free, the man shoved the nurse away from him and scrambled off the bed. “Don’t touch me!” he yelled at her. “Stay away! You’re not keeping me here!” The nurse had stumbled backwards and landed on the chair in the room. She got to her feet and backed towards the door.

“Please, Mr. Sokoll, just stay calm,” the nurse told him.

“Fuck you! Let me out of here!” he screamed back at her.

She continued to back towards the door until her butt finally bumped into it. She opened it slowly and hurried out of it. She pulled it tightly shut behind her and locked it. This enraged Erik and he started throwing stuff around the room. The tray that had been in there hit the door with quite a bang.

“Someone call Dr. Lane and find out what she wants us to do with him. He’s crazy. He’s going to hurt himself or someone else.”

Which is of coarse why she had given orders for him to be moved as early as possible up to the psych ward on the fourth floor. She was far from happy to ahve a session with a patient interupted over someone else's incompetance.

"Leave well enough alone and I'll come sort it out directly." she said in an almost sad tone. She made excuses to her current patient and didn't bill him for today. Then she made her way out to her car thankfull she had two hours till her next appointment. She drove to the hospital faster than she really should, but other than her speed being above the limit she was not reckless or careless.

She was at the hospital in twently minutes. She let herself in the room in spite of the enraged animal noises coming from within. She heard the door lock behind her. Knowing she was monitored on the close circuit cameras was not very reassuring.

Erik continued having an angry tantrum for quite some time. Throwing things around the room and what not. He hadn’t even noticed the woman that had come in. Nothing was in order by the time he’d finally exhausted himself and sank against a wall. Knees came up to his chest and arms wrapped around them. He began to rock himself back and forth. This time it was no dream. It was really happening. The back of his head hitting the wall was making a dull thudding sound in the room.

At which point Jordan walked over very quietly and slid own close to him without touching him. By the time his eyes fluttered opened and registered that she had taken his arm she was deftly sliding the syringe out of him. "Sorry." she said very quietly. He'd nearly exausted himself completely. So it wasn't hard for her to stop him from pounding his head.

Once the nurses were sure they'd be safe tehy came into the room in swarm. "Out." She told them testily. "I want one orederly and a straight jacket and I'll move this patient myself this time. Some one bring me round transfer paper work." she said in a tired but irritated tone.

He blinked a few times as he realized someone was next to him. A tear slid down his face as he looked down and watched the needle coming out of his arm. “I’m sorry,” he whimpered as he brought his head forward onto his knees.

The orderly was prompt in arriving with not only a straight jacket but a wheel chair as well. “‘Ere ya go ma’am,” the man said as he came into the room. In the seat of the chair was the paperwork Dr. Lane had ordered. “‘Ere’s the paperwork for ya too ma’am.”

"About time something get done right around here thank you." she said. "Now kindly help me get him eady to move." she said. The orederly a big man nodded. He was surprisingly gentle while they got the straight jacket on Erik and then got him into the wheel chair.

"M'am, ya need me to bring a van around. Ya are taking him to Royal Pines?" he asked her.

She nodded and started filling out the paperwork. "I am." she said.

There was no resistance offered as Erik was put in the straight jacket and sat in the chair. He let his head fall forward until his chin was touching his chest. He was still listening to the things that were being said. Nothing came from him though. Just the sound of him breathing. Royal Pines? What was that? He didn’t ask. Instead, he just sat there with his chin on his chest feeling like the failure he knew he was.

The orderly left and went to bring a van around. He parked it at the back entrance and came back inside. “Van’s ready ma’am,” he told her and moved to stand behind the wheel chair.

The nurse that had been shoved by Erik was standing in the doorway. “Who’s going to clean up this mess he made?” she demanded to know. She was obviously quite pissed off still.

"Well I'd say you are since he wasn't moved when he should have been. Don't worry I won't forget to write you up." Jordan said. She jotted down the nurses name off of her ID badge.

They got Erik down to the van and loaded up with minimal fuss. "He don't seem as big a deal as they made out M'am." the orderly told Jordan.

"Decidedly not, they must have pissed him off." she told the orderly as he went around to the driver's seat. She checked to be sure Erik was fastened sfely in the van one more time. "I'm closing the door, the drive won't take long." she told Erik. Then she closed the door and climbed into the passenger's seat.

The nurse turned on her heel and stormed away muttering stuff under her breath. She was pissed. Pissed that she had to be the one to clean up after the psychotic bastard that had trashed the room. It wasn’t her fault that he’s crazy.

Erik offered no resistence at all as they took him out to the van and loaded him up. He heard the woman and the man talking about him. Of course the hospital had pissed him off. He wanted out of there. His mind was so set on doing what he had set out to do, and fucked up, in the first place. He didn’t want to be alive. He felt he had no reason to be. He didn’t nod or anything as the woman spoke to him.

He was silent through the entire drive. He felt himself going in and out of dozing. Which was worse? Falling asleep and reliving the nightmare of his past over and over or staying awake and reliving the nightmare of what happened to Callie over and over. Both were equally horrible for him.

“We’re ‘ere ma’am,” the orderly stated as he pulled up in front of the building. Standing outside were two more orderly’s and another doctor.

They were waiting with a wheelchair as well. Jordan walked over and spoke with the doctor. "I'll come round in the morning. For now just make him as comfortable as possible with out allowing him to endanger himself. I had Bay General fax over his charts and orders, did they get here okay?" The other doctor nodded. Both doctors followed quietly in the wake of the wheel chair.

Out of the van and into a wheel chair he went. Still absolutely no resistance was made. Quite the obedient one he was acting like at the moment. How long would that last though? Who knows. Not even Erik, himself, could answer that if he were asked. Down a long, white hallway the orderly pushed the chair once they had entered the building.

“Which room ya want ‘im in, sir?” the orderly that had come with Dr. Lane asked.

One of the two doctors looked up from Erik’s chart at the sound of the orderly’s voice. “Oh. We’re going to set him up in room number seventeen for the time being. Dr. Lane wants to make sure he can’t harm himself.”

Room seventeen is one of the padded rooms on the first floor. The orderly nodded and continued on down the hallway to room seventeen. He helped Erik up out of the chair and led him over to the bed. The straps around his back were undone but the jacket was not taken off. He lowered Erik onto the bed and used the arm straps to attach Erik’s arms to the bed at his side. “I’ll be back in an ‘our to check on ya and see if ya need anythin,” the orderly told him before turning and leaving the room.

Jordan made sure this all went smoothly. This was the premier hospital for the mentally ill, the best out of the three locally. She hiped she'd be able to help him. Once he was settled in and she's talked to the Doctor she'd be working with here, she made some copies and then had the orderly take her back to the hospital for her car. She had 35 minutes to get back to her office. She sighed.

The orderly gladly complied with Dr. Lane and took her back to the hospital. “I’ll be ‘elpin’ to keep an eye on ‘im, ma’am,” the orderly told her as he pulled up in front of the hospital. “I’ll be ‘elpin’ to make sure nothin’ ‘appens to ‘im.” He offered a slight smile before driving away to head back. Upon arriving, he parked the van in the lot and headed inside. He checked in at the front desk and headed to Erik’s room to check on the man.

“‘ello again Mr. Sokoll,” the orderly said as he entered the room. “My name’s ‘arry and I’ll be ‘elpin’ to make sure you’re comfortable. Is there anythin’ I can get fer ya?”

Erik just laid there and stared at the ceiling for several long moments before he finally shook his head. “Aight then. I’ll be back to see if ya need anythin’ again in an ‘our or so. Lights out is in four ‘ours.” He then turned and left the room. Erik continued to stare at the ceiling even after he heard the door shut and lock.

He drifted in and out of sleep for quite some time. An hour had passed and the orderly came back to check on Erik. “Need anythin’ yet Mr. Sokoll?” Erik nodded slightly. “Somethin’ to drink?” Erik shook his head. “Hungry?” Again Erik shook his head. “Need to use the bathroom?” Erik nodded slightly.

The orderly walked over to the bed and unhooked one arm. He brought it around Erik’s chest and hooked it. He then did the same with the other arm. He walked Erik out of the room and down the hallway a little ways to the bathroom. There are no bathrooms in the padded rooms for the sake of the patients.

After Erik had gotten to take a piss, the orderly took him back into his room and secured him on the bed again. He left after he was sure that Erik didn’t need anything else. He came back a couple hours later and took Erik to the bathroom one more time before lights out.

Through the night, Erik hardly slept. Every time he started to fall asleep, he would jerk himself awake as the nightmares began all over again. By morning he had deep bags under his eyes. He was exhausted. Totally exhausted.

Jordan came by the following morning and checked on her newest patient. His status had not changed, no improvement, but he hadn't gotten worse either. She made the recomendation that he continue to be restrained but still cared for and made as comfortable as possible.

She went and vistited him, but got no responses beyond nodding or shaking of the head. She ordered the sedatives be completely phazed out, his concusion should not be an issue at the moment she also changed him to a milder pain killer. Then she left for her own practice.

The following morning was no different, though she gave no orders to change anything. Again when she went by his room to assess him, he was still just a hair on the responsive side of catatonic. She made the appropriate notes in his chart sadly and hoped something would soon stir the man from his apathy.