Hey slackers! The purpose of this thread is to admit to things you would not otherwise admit to in order to make us closer as a forum, etc. Next up is the obstacle course, followed by the Fall of Trust! Anyway, I don't want this thread to be "I was weak and ate at Arby's tonight" or whatever, more character traits and that type of thing. I'm both anthropologically interested and think it's a good place to get things off people's chests. I'll start:

I'm probably the most closeted, insecure person you'll ever meet. My friends think of it as a mystery: me, I'm no mystery but the mystery inside is what they talk about. I guess it comes from a lack of real interaction with people as a child. I never went trick or treating, or went to friends houses, so I grew up kind of inside the house, never knowing how the outside world was supposed to be. It bothers me that I find myself not really connecting with my peers as well as I should be. I go to a club in town, and I don't talk to people unless I really swallow my stiffness and just let loose. Then I'm enjoyable, but then I think whether or not I was actually doing the right thing. I think of that other side as the "Bad Me". This same insecurity is what has prevented me from engaging in a positive relationship with a girl. I have always said that I'd want a girlfriend, but I always wonder how I would approach. I can't be expected to believe that "love happens", and it drives me insane.

Also, and I think it's time I told you all this, but I am also a borderline homophobic moron. That's another thing that I hate about myself. I do not, believe me, vehemently hate homosexuals, that much I can attest to. What would make me different from a Klansman? I might as well put on a white sheet over my head if I thought that. What I think my issue is that I was told for so many years that I acted gay that my subconcious judged it for me and I hate it. Conciously, I'd probably have to get to actually know them (like a few who are my friends), but if I don't, I judge them. Very wrongly and negatively. It eats me alive when I think of it, because I know it's wrong to even think like that. What you've read concerning the issue is me getting better in recent years about it.

Armchair analysis is welcome, but think of this as more of an AA meeting (Alcholics Anonomyous) for those who have so much weight on their shoulders that they have to let it out.

First off, *hugs Wheeler*

Having been raised and living in the deep southern US, I was exposed to prejudice by my own family. None of them are klansmen or support groups like that (at least I don't think so. I'm 99.999999999999% sure) or anything like that, so it was never like "black people are evil. We hate them all" or something like that. But there was still prejudice, though relatively minor considering this *is* the South. I was always taught that there was difference between black people and n*****s and that there are white n*****s, too. Especially by my Mom. I guess old prejudices are hard to root out. Sometimes, especially if I'm annoyed by something or am just in a bad mood for whatever reason, and I see a black person, I'll internally think n*****. And it absolutely horrifies me because I don't do it conciously. I immediatly go, "where the bunbun did that come from?????" I don't think I've ever even once in my life said the word out loud. I hate that word. So having it pop up in my mind so unbiddenly scares the bun out of me.

Like Wheeler, I didn't interact a lot with others as a child. I was extremely shy (Nodoka has nothing on young me). I think that really damaged my ability to express myself and comminucate verbally. I think I express myself very well through writting, but verbally *phbt*. I usually get nervous if I have to go talk to someone I don't know very well, even for small things. I think a combination of that and the fact that where I grew up was 99% white has made me uncomfortable being around other nationalities and even around others in general to a point. That is until I get to know you a little, and then I love you to death (or not). :wub: In general I really love people. It's that first meeting/getting aquianted I'm not too fond of and am bad at.

Another thing that I think contributes to the stuff in the previous paragraph is that I've been overweight since as long as I can remember. That and the fact I was picked on for it I think has severely damaged my self-image. I have a hard time believing someone would actually like being around me in person. I don't like to bother others, so that's another reason I tend to keep to myself and don't go out of my way to make first contact with others.

I really need to lose weight. I have borderline high blood presssure and cholesterol, and I'm not getting any younger. I also have a family history of cardiovascular disease and diabetes. I'm terrified of the idea of having a heart attack or stroke young even though people my age don't normally have them unless they have some other serious problems as well. What bothers me is not so much the fact that I'm overweight, it's that over all these years I can't seem to get rid of the mental block that seems to be stopping me from doing anything about it. My diet could be better, but I really don't eat that much. If I would just start exercising, I could probably lose without changing my diet that much. Normal exercsie bores me though, so it's very hard for me to stick to it.

Panic attacks aren't fun.

I procrastinate. A lot. It's something I haven't seemed to learn how to overcome yet.

The vast majority of my regrets in life so far aren't from doing something I shouldn't have done, but not doing stuff that I should have. This seems to be my life's theme.

I have a strong egotistic/selfish streak that distrubs me a great deal.

I could write more, but I guess I'll stop here.

Father forgive me, for I have a confession... :P


Procrastination is a vice we all suffer from, and I no less than others have made the fatal mistake of putting things off until it's too late.



I'm guilty of beginning to develop a cynical view of the fairer sex, that they are heratless, emotionless harpies who thrive on misery and confusion (present company excepted). To tell the truth, I've almost given up on the concept of a relationship, in its true terms. It seems almost impossible to find a female whose views about such things match what is popularly perpetrated as the common goal of womankind, that being appreciation and romance and such like. Maybe I should adopt a more cavalier, James Bond-style attitude towards girls, but it seems almost wrong to me. One of my principles, call it procrastination or chivalry, it could be either, is not pursuing a girl when she is in a state of inebriation. To my mind, it is not fair to do anything to or with someone who has no capacity to make such decision when in a rational state of mind the outcome may be extremely different.

Unless one is equally devoid of reasoning ability, in which case it's fair game.



Moreover, with the impending onslught of Christmas, I have found myself in a state of somewhat mental weakness. The sight of the Christmass lights in George Square that are traditional in Glasgow will have a colder light that they once did, certain carols and songs will chill my bones rather than warm my heart, if I do not have a total breakdown. I'm sure this stems from losing something important when a constant reminder of another loss looms on the horizon. When one has lost a crutch, being reminded daily of your missing leg will be harder, so to speak.



If this mini-essay, bordering on short novella, has seemed ever-so-slightly legal in its terminology, I must applaud you for making such adequate if not admirable progress thus far, and delight in informing you of the eventual termination or said post.


Ladies and Gentlement, I have bared my soul. I hope you have enjoyed the experience.

Thank you and goodnight.

Wow... those pretty much make anything I could "confess" to seem pretty petty. And yeah, almost everyone's struggled with procrastination at one point or another.

I guess I might as well say that I'm a very emotionally weak person. I let the littlest things get me depressed, and have been known to get too attached to some of my friends. And I have a very low tolerance of emotional pain. I have a good cry at least once a week ;_;. I also have a hard time getting over tragedies, and the littlest things can bring back the memories and make me go all emo again. I've been referred to a therapist or counsellor before, and never took the initiative to actually see them.

Also, like Jason, I need to change my diet or excercise more, to lose some weight. And my family has a history of diabetes as well, putting me at risk. Again, it all comes down to procrastination.

Also, I tend to be very closed off to people outside my group of friends. I feel more comfortable with people online, but in person, I can be very shy. I also hate being touched. VERY MUCH SO.

So I guess my "confession" is that I'm just a total emotional wreck =/. Kinda pathetic ain't it?

Edit: Also like Jason, I can be very selfish too. It's not somethign I'm proud of =/

so are you sad saps all coming to otakon to be hugged or what? (and i guess, no-touching rule for lauscho gets him a handshake :P )

I can def relate to some of the stuff you guys wrote. I don't want to be alone, but I am afraid/anxious of people, especially new ones or in groups. I try to not be as bad as I used to; sometimes it seems better, sometimes worse. early this year, I had to go back and forth with myself for at least fifteen minutes in the social security office to build up the burst to ask the pretty girl in front of me to borrow the pen she had.

I don't have now, or never had, any real direction in my life. don't know why, but I don't.

I can see negative aspects of a situation clearer than the positive. I can also be paranoid and defensive

our family had a history of diabetes, too. I used to be soooo much bigger than I am now, not that I'm 'fit', per say ;p I'll tell you what worked for me.

• don't eat fast food
• don't drink colas
• nix cake/ice cream
• (basically, greatly reduce the pointless food your body can't at least do something with)
• don't eat too much red meat (I wasn't a vegan at that point, I rarely ate red meat anyway)
• go for walks with a MP3 player. it makes it much easier than those other forms of excercise and good music will keep you occupied. think of it as the 'gateway drug' to fitness

edit: next time I open up, zane better be putting out ;o

I guess I'll add something about myself.

I don't know how to say it, but pretty much, I want to be loved. I want to hold someone close to me and know that they love me too. That's why I always sleep with my Chii doll, a sense of something there. I think this stems off the fact, I don't believe in my own existance really. I try to be in large groups of people, or talk to people. I'm shy, but I can talk and such, joke around. But just being there, gives me a sense of existance. Shows that if I am gone, someone will notice. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do.

Like most people, I guess I'm overweight myself, but I'm trying to slim down. You couldn't really tell by just looking at me, but I know I am, or I feel I am, so yeah...

Last bit, I feel lost. No sense of direction in life. To my friends, I may seem like the only guy who knows what he's gonna do, but I really don't. I don't think I'm particularly good at anything. If you're a good artist, you may consider painting or something in the arts career. Debating and speaking, maybe lawyer, or you wanna save people, doctor, army or whatnot. I dunno what's for me. The only thing I have confidence in is my swordmanship (I do pratice with a wooden katana), which is probably why I envy the life of anime/video game characters where they take being able to fight monsters or working as a mercenary/warrior guild for granted.

I guess my confession isn't as big as the others, if it is even a confession.

Not coming to Otakon till '07 :P.

And a handshake is just fine by me. I'm more bothered by strangers doing that though (but who isn't?).

Where do I begin?

First off, like Wheeler, I am quite the homophobic (and I have a hard time dealing with it), and, like Jason, I live in the South and thus have a resentment towards blacks, due to my upbringing, further fueled by the fact that Memphis has a black mayor who has a stranglehold on this city and is ruining it with each passing day due to his despotism. Like Jason, I have come to believe that there are black people and there are n*****s. I have many black friends who are awesome people, but for every one of them, there's probably 4 or 5 trashy people, both black and white.

Moving on, I'm way overweight, and I come from families with diabetes and heart problems. Also, I'm 25, still leeching off my parents, and unable to drive. I also do not have a full-time job despite having a college degree. And a large part of the problem is that I fear change. As things stand, I have a part-time job at my university on weekends that is easy and gets me a decent amount of money for the way I live, and I know everyone where I work. I am afraid to go out into the real world and work full time because the times I've held a full time job in the past, I couldn't hold it for more than 3 weeks without being canned. Also, I am not anything like you guys know me from on chats and what not -- I'm very withdrawn and do not like talking to people I don't know. It's not hikkikomori syndrome, I love leaving the house because sitting at home all day makes me bored. But right now I have nowhere to go since I can't drive and only work weekends. Continuing on, I have Asperger's Syndrome, Tourette's Syndrome, and Obsessive-Compulsive disorder. The first one is the reason for my anti-socialness, the 2nd is not as bad as it used to be and is more or less in remission, and the 3rd has caused me to hoard an ungodly number of game consoles and vintage computers in my room, not to mention 3 computers I use regularly. Do you know anyone else who has 6 Gameboys, a DS, and a PSP? Also, my room, the master bedroom of the house, is so full of boxed-up junk from my earlier years that I have little to no room in here. I have nowhere to store it all, either. Basically, I'm a packrat. And finally, OCD has caused me to become so obsessed with certain animes in the past that I nearly became delusional over them. I was so obsessed with Sailor Mercury in my high school and early college years that my every waking thought was focused on her. I nearly became delusionally obsessed over Azumanga Daioh as well, wishing I could put myself out of reality and into that world, where everything was carefree and enjoyable. Sometimes, listening to Raspberry Heaven even made me cry because I hated reality and loved that world so much. I saved myself from the delusions by writing a few short fanfics putting a character based on myself into the story and telling it from his point of view. Of course, I added romance to it and found my fictional self dating Tomo-chan, but that's another story. Bottom line: I am very screwed up in real life. What you see of me here and in chats is a different side that is near impossible to let out in reality. It's kinda like Midori-chan in Midori no Hibi -- shy and withdrawn in person, but wild, crazy, and outgoing while she was on Seiji's arm. Such is the case with me and my internet friends.

One last thing: I sleep way too much right now, usually 12-14 hours a day. I've actually slept till 4PM some days. But, I also stay up till about 3 or 4 AM many nights.

I think I've covered all the bases now. I hope reading this doesn't alienate any of you.

--T

Tired, so this post won't be zOMG SO DEEP AND MEANINGFUL.

Anyway.

I'm, well, lazy. Really lazy. I hardly EVER so excersize. Except for when I'm at school. And that's also, like, never. Mainly because I know my classmates only pay attention to me because me teacher makes them.

Why? Because I'm not all happy and healthy and 100% like most of you guys. Oh no. I have phsyical disabilites. Two, actually.

Number one: My heart
My heart isn't all happy. I was born with holes in it, so when I was five I had an operation. They put in an artifical vaulve. And I went to the hospital again about 3 weeks ago in, and they told me I had to get the vaulve replaced in a years time. Oh well. One free week of school and a free trip up north *shrug*
Downsides: I can't run/walk very far.
Upsides: I don't have to do much sport (yeah, I HATE sport :P \o/)

Number two: My back
I also have scoliosis. Woohoo, go me. NOT. Incase you don't know, scoliosis is when your spine goes croocked. Mine is out by 45 degrees. When it gets to 50, they have to operate on it. But it's too risky because of my heart <_<
But it stayed at 45 degrees for a year, so they're hoping I'll just grow out of it. We'll just have to see next year in Feb.
Downsides: Can't sit on the floor, can't run/walk very far.
Upsides: I don't have to do much sport, PLUS I get to sit on a chair all the time \o/

They may not sould too bad to you guys, but to me, well, they SUCK.

The heart operation is a must.
The back operation only has a 50% change of happening.

no, it definately sucks :(

*shrug* But it could be worse.

When I was in the hospital, there was this boy with scolisos. His was out by 90 degrees. :(

Whoa, back up. I said I was raised in a environment that was slightly prejudiced. I'm more uncomfortable around black people (the amount of which is highly dependent on how they act and present themselves) than others if I don't know them, but I don't resent them. Occasionally those prejudices pop up in mind out of nowhere until I can fight them off. They're not always there. Also, I don't refer to anyone as a n***** regardless of skin color.

*applause*

the style, the burning passion in every word. you should start writing novels Alex! even though I have no idea what's going on in your world, I feel your pain.

damn... I think mine is somewhere around 30 / 30 ( gooo S-type scoliosis! ) :mellow:

i think we all are like this. we people of the internet that is.


but a good way to overcome our "disease" is the just-do-it principle. it helps me alot.

first off, i am a lazy bastard. i need to go to college, get a job, get a car, and move out, but i have done nothign to do any of this so far. also, i've found myself to be very apathetic as of recently. i need to lose weight, and i am a total failure in the department of the opposite sex.

i'm workin on most of it though...

Mine looks like an upside down hook :P

Wow, Starra. I already knew about the heart problem, but not the back one. :(

And that's where the "being too attached" to my friends part comes in, because I was very worried about you while you were in the hospital. :(

I had the same problem last half of middle school up through my junior year of high school. I don't really know how many degrees it was out of whack, but it wasn't so serious that I needed an operation. I go about twice year to the Chriopractor to help it out, but I can't lean/slouch in a chair without getting a pain after a while.

So yeah, Star, it may sound bad but it always gets better all the time ^_^

Ok, I need to clear myself up. Looks like I worded a few things wrong in my post. I don't really have a resentment toward black people. Sure, I dislike our mayor and what he's done, but I did take what you said the wrong way. The truth is, I really am the same way you are. I've been brought up in a family with a bit of prejudice, and it's only an internal conflict. I don't refer to people with the n-word any more than you do. What I meant to say is that I was taught the same as you in my younger years, that there's the good people and the trashy people, and yeah, I do find myself thinking "n-word" in my head when I'm disgusted with what some people do, but I try not to be that way, especially since in recent years my mother has helped me try to break through the prejudice I was taught so early on. And yeah, "resentment" was the wrong word for what I was trying to say. So, bottom line, I'm not racist, though I may have come across that way in the last post I made.

I know this sounds hokey, but what you saw in the first post I made regarding racism was probably augmented by the whole Asperger's Syndrome thing I mentioned later on-- I have a hard time putting thoughts into words because I very often use the wrong words when I mean something else, and it comes back to bite me later on. Therefore, I apologize if anyone was offended by my post.

--T

ZOMG

I really don't know how I should start this post out. XD umm

lessee.

Love (didn't see THAT coming >.>)
I have been in love with the same person for at least 2 and a half years. It all greatly stresses me.

I am not healthy and my chances of diabeties is more or less 80% chance of getting it. And yet still knowing that, I do not change my diet of unhealthy food. And lately I have been eating very little, so in the future, eating disorder? I'll maybe eat something about the same volume as an apple, and be full for the entire day. Then there is when I just dont eat D:

I also over obsess over things, though I havent done so lately, which is good. XD

Also, eating no meat has made me unhealthy as well, but I don't care <3

joining the emo club:

switched back to qwertz keyboard.
changed my password.
and I can't get serious when writing such things. :P





so um. confession.
my neck hurt yesterday and today I pretended it did so badly I had to skip school.
:mellow:






i'm obnoxious.




my grades in school are getting below my avarage and i keep on slacking off.





i have no evil health or any other type of problems.



i have no social life, but i'm getting one from amazon.






the above was a lie.










this post is getting far too long.



fin.

About time we saw the OOTP crop up in this thread.



Any of these troubles get too much, just give one of us a holler.

:blink: :mellow:

And ditto to what Nagare just said. ^_^

JOKE

we were getting all serious and personal so I had to do something ;p

Yaay... I can rant about my faults somewhere other than my xanga or my myspace. ^ ^ Well, where to start...

[EDIT: Advised that the post was too personal, I changed it some. Man, I really ranted on Friday :blink:]

I told my girlfriend a lie so I could break up with her to go out with my current boyfriend who doesn't know I'm a lesbian. A girl keeps flirting with me and even though I don't return her feelings I haven't done anything about it yet. I've gone through periods of being suicidal and have hurt myself. I shut other people out often and sometimes snap at them without an explanation. I shoplift- often. I talk about my friends behind their backs. I love gossip. I can't keep secrets. I'm critical of people. I whine. I'm lazy. I'm hypocritical. I lie a lot. That's about it.

I tend to do that with some of my non-online friends too, but only when they're online. I never talk to my IRL friends over MSN. :mellow:

;_;

*hugs Kaorin*

I've had those thoughts too... not as much recently, but since joining Wonderland, it's happened twice that I can recall were I've thought those kinds of thoughts.

Aww, Ongaku-kun, you always respond to my posts. ^_^ thanks for that... and the hug. And as I've said before, it's true that Wonderland always helps. This is one of the best thread ideas ever, in my opinion. It really does help us to be a closer-knit group. I mean, hey... we're telling each other stuff we might not have told to other people. I know I am, at least. And no one judges anyone else based on what they say here.

God, I love Wonderland.

:blush:

Thinking about suicide is never the solution :(.

And yeah, Wonderland is the best. I could never leave this place <3

personally, i'm not exactly sure what i should/might/want to/something put in this thread..

i wish i could just make everyone's problems become easy to handle for them though.
edit: but i have something my super-excellent good friend made me make, to cheer me up when i needed it. i hope she doesn't mind me sharing:

I think everyone should print that out and post it on their mirrors. ^_^

Post-It™ note for the win :D

Fixed for great justice.

Fixed again.

fixed for ye simpletons! :evil:

I now have a Girlfriend. But I also have a raging pornography addiction. <_<

I just deleted all of the said material off of my PC. I want to keep it that way and try to get out of this sort of thing.

^ ^ good for you. You're a far stronger person than I. what yaoi? I don't have file after file of yaoi fanfics on Wordpad... you're crazy... <.< >.>

I don't see a problem with reading it. I can't lust after words. I'd get a laugh out of Fanfiction.

Just saying, I'm a minor and no longer single. Gotta watch myself. >.>

Soon, padawan, you will reach a level of existance where such things shall seem like ash on the road of life to you.


And thine life shall be in the pursuit of the higher goal of mankind.



Yes, thou too shall soon rise above your addiction and walk with thy brothers and lesbain sisters along the common path to the Glory.


Boobies.





:P