:gshuh: :gshuh: :gshuh: :gshuh:

Ok. The way this story is organized is not the way stories are supposed to be organized.

I'm going to give you an example.

See that quote with your first paragraph? There's many people talking in it so that one paragraph should actually be many paragraphs.

This is the proper way to organize that paragraph.

Chapter 1: "Brand" New Legend
"Take that ARRRR"
"Ha ha piece of cake"
"You should take more notice of how to attack things in the real wild can get pretty hard"
"Ok, Falcon"
"That's all for today's lesson, you can all return to your Dorms"
"Ashes you best buy a new saber your old one is pretty shabby"
"Ok Falcon"
"Oh and Ashes"
"Yes?"
"The profesor has told me to ask you to meet him later on at 2:15"

See what I did? Every time someone spoke, a new paragraph started. That's the way all prose is written. It looks a lot more organized.

Another problem I'm seeing is the lack of description. Based on what I picked up from the first paragraph, Falcon and Ashes were sparring. The problem is you did not describe the sparring, nor did you describe the place they were sparring in or what the people there looked like.

The lack of description was a problem throughout the whole story. You did describe a little bit at points, but it was still not enough. The main things that you need to work on are adding more description and organizing it properly.

Hope this helps.

On the positive side, you appear to have a good concept going and it looks like the story will have some interesting characters.

Thanks,
Oh i'm not sure if I forgot to mention that this is for a competition of which i'm not going to mention. So it all has to be typed in a complete stack of text and I wasn't able to seperate it all into the way you showed. B)

It's has to be organized that way? That's......unusual.