One fine day Mike Vincent was drinkin a 30 pack of Coors Light when Richie Blackmore swooped down off his giant metal Dragon-plane-boat. His BC Rich emitted a sound unheard of; only the hard rock greats like Samson and Deep Purple could compare. Suddently, Alex Knight blasted out of the ground with his shriek that would make Ozzy shudder. The three began to jam on an incredible metal song called "Got Your Broccoli" that would take them directly to the top of the Billboard. Finally Johnny Raven descended from Bass Metal Heaven to lend his talents to the band, rechristening the song "Got You Locked In", a political song about the Safety Belt law in New Jersey. Suddenly they got a lot of girls and money. And they are the greatest metal force in the world, the men who took metal back to the charts. They're very professional. And they are ready to rock your face off. Hard rock 4 SURE!

One day Richie blackwood was taking a ride in his hummer with attractive female friends in the adult entertainment industry hanging out of the top, living the rockstar style that he himself invented. Then he came across one of his guitar students that he teaches, by the name of Jimi Hendrix. Hendrix was a pupil of Blackwood, for it was Richie who's awe-inspiring shredding licks inspired Hendrix to pick up his first guitar.
Richie continued to inspire musicians throughout his career as a rock superstar. He writes his solos by sitting in an isolation tank and listening to mozart, bach, and beethoven. That's why when you slow down his solos you can clearly hear the entire symphony that was the sole inspiration for Mozart to pick up his first guitar and start shredding. He just wanted to be like rock idol Richie Blackwool.
Richie continued to inspire people all over the world with his ugly milfs, interviews with crippled weird kids, and sex with woodland animals at night in Johny Raven's poolhouse. It was Richie who ultimately saved the human race, and inspired God to create Earth. This was the beginning of time. The legacy of Richard D. JBlackwoogy.

Richie Blackwood and J R being interviewed by Howard Stern and Issac Hayes after the incident where both Howard and Hayes were repeatedly ran over by greyhound buses.

I think Eden said it all with that last post. But, since this is the Garden of Blackwood, I'll continue.

Once upon a time in Heavy Metal Heaven, Alex Knight was drinking milk out of the teet of Pamela Anderson when suddenly he had a new idea for a song. He called it "Breaking the Law", writing lyrics that related to his own deep rooted homophobia. Ten years later, in 1967, it was a major hit for Bob Dylan; Alex Knight was on his way to superstardom. After a few years of creating amazing albums such as "To Live and DIe in Long Island," "Fear and Loathing in Long Island" and "Seventh Son of a Seventh Long Island", he decided his solo career wasn't befitting of the same man who created such classics as "Carry Stress in the Jaw" and "I Want to Hold Your Hand", an early sixties hit for The Monkees. So he called up his good pal Richard P. Dickles, a world-renowned filmmaker and pornstar, to be the new guitarist for his brand new band, Whiteplastic. Richard Dickles, notorious for his well-named movies and homosexual hair care products, rechristened himself Richie Blackwood, a rock god, and renamed the band in his own honor. After going through 200000000 drummers they settled on Mike Vincent, an 80 year old soccer player from Vermont, as their new drummer. After playing a few shows at the Long Island Old Folks Home to great success, they were influenced by Metallica's "Some Kind of Monster" to find a bass player to complete their sound. After three long years of calling Rob Trujillo's mom's house to no avail, they were riding the Cyclone at Coney Island when they spotted a homeless drunk spewing wretched vomit all over the New York Aquarium. Determind to make him their bassist, they sent him to three years of rehab at the Long Island Beer Rehabilitation center. After being clean for an amazing three minutes, he took the name Johnny Raven. The Mighty Blackwood was finally ready to release their first album, the now 16x Platinum "Greetings from Long Island, NJ". The rest, as they say, is history.

Four score and seven years ago, Richie Blackwood gave birth to triplets: God, Jesus, and Rob Halford. After establishing peace in the interstellar universe, he decided to reincarnate himself as an unassuming young up and coming rocker from Long Island. The day RIchie Blackwood first picked up a guitar, he innovated several new styles of playing, including Blues, Flamenco, Folk, and ultimately, Heavy MEtal Music; his ability at guitar shredding and incredible crunchy power chords is something unheard of, at least by a 10 year old's standards. AFter releasing numerous albums under the name Simon & Garfunkel (amazingly, Richie has the ability to sing at two different voices at two different pitches at the same time), he began a band with another music legend, Goth/Blues/Grunge/Industrial/Classical/Folk/Punk/Rap/Gas Mask/Tea Cups/Air Conditioner/Balding innovator Vinny, aka Vincent Graves Philips IV. The two continued to work underground, writing virtually every album released in the last 75 years. However, after Richie found Vinny sleeping with his mom, he decided he needed a change of pace: he wanted to create the most innovative, musical, and brilliant band ever. HE called up his bastard half-brother Guido Testicleez, aka Alex Knight, to lend his ear-piercing shrieks to the musical blend. The two were at a gay bar one night when, while fellating each other in the women's bathroom, they were struck by the musical (or some say, body odors) of two cheap transvestites known for their shady dealings at the gay bar. Their names: Johnny Raven and Michael J. Vincent. After a good three minutes of practice, the band began touring Six Flags, Music Industry Showcases, and Private VIP Playboy Mansions throughout the U.S. Ultimately, after an appearance on Dancing With the Stars as Michael Richards' hairstylists, the band reached the top with "Never Gonna be Your Man" featuring Rivers Cuomo, P. Diddy and Ludvig von Beethoven, a modern classic. They are now the chart-topping band we all know and love today.

During the rise of the Third Reich in the ancient Land of Mordor a young hobbit named Mike Vincent sprang forth from the fires of the ancient Mount Blackwood. As a minion of the metal lord Sauron he knew it his mission to track down the elder Metal Gods: Richard P. Goldenstern, a Mexican cocaine trafficker; Alex Knightingale, son of Father Knightingale the III, lord of the Mighty Church of Metal; and Sir Travis Bickle, knight of the Iron Maiden 33rd Brigade. Vincent used his evil spells to trap all three into a tiny snowglobe filled to the brim with shitty equipment; the band began to tour using the name of the Volcano that had sprung them: Blackwood. After Richard P. Goldernstern (now going by the name Richie Blackwood, or "Rich-Money" to friends) had an awkward gay-affair-breakup-group sex adventure with Travis Bickle, Mike Vincent bought all the Kiss records and made a cardboard cut-out of Gene Simmons into Blackwood's newest member: Johnny Raven. As Richie worked on his jazz theory and baroque counterpoint, the other members worked up a tune that would take them to the top of the charts: "Wanksta". The Record company recognized a hit at once; they gave it to up-and-coming gangster rapper (and huge Blackwood fan) 50 Cent. Since then, the band has played countless shitty bars and probably fucked three fat chicks, total. How far this band has come is a testament to where they are going; for a band like Blackwood, the sky's the limit.

dude i couldnt get through this one without cracking up after every sentence. Rivers Cuomo and P. Diddy!

on the eve of July 4th, 1776, Richard Blackwood and the Blackwood Boys released the album "Live from Your Garage", which catapulted them to the number 2 spot on the Zimbabwean Billboard Chart. "I think it took a lot of hard work and perseverance, but it paid off--big time," says Richard, a 42 year old former basket weaver and Days of Our Lives fan, "I've had more black pussy in the last 48 hours than I've had since I've been clean of crack cocaine." Blackwood's song "Locked In" refers to Richard's longstanding problems with crack cocaine and other cheap amphetamines: "It's about the mindset you get in when you decide to become a rock star; the girls, the money, the drugs," he says. "That's what I love about Zimbabwe: we're not rock stars, we're just white boys from Long Island." Earlier today, Blackwood rocked a crowd of 19 people (99% of Zimbabwe's population) in front of the Red Cross Homeless Shelter earlier today. "It was great; a few of the kids smiled at me, although I think one was delirious" Richie said. All in all, the band has become a staple of Zimbabwe's culture; it is undoubted that they will remain an important cultural force for years to come.

I hope Blackwood comes to Indiana to play a music industry showcase this summer

theyre too busy playing in India!

...

one hot summers winter eve, Richie Blackwood a local blacksmith was creating the ancient sword of power to defeat all of todays rock bands, since they have no stage presence, charisma, talent and all they do is stare at their shoes. Once the sword was completed, Richie began his quest to slay the rock bands of the world. And then, suddenly the sword began to change into a guitar. Not just any guitar, this was a Carvin XG38B51000 Kamehameha guitar. The most powerful instrument known to mankind. It was then Richie was struck with an epiphany, "what is I started my own rock band, and sail to the top of the charts with my unique songwriting style, classical influence, Mach 5 speed guitar shredding, knowledge of politics, and uncompromisable philosophy and intellect?" Then Richie took a gigantic shit, which consisted of 3 large separate poo nuggets, molded then into the shapes of people, and picked up his guitar and shredded so fast 3 celestial laser beams shot from the guitar and onto the 3 poop sculptures. They formed into Alex Knight, a metzo soprano meets baritone opera metal vocalist with the power to control the orbit of the planets. Johnny Raven, a bass player with the power to turn into a giant bird who spits fire. And finally Mike Vincent, a magical dwarf who can control time with his drumming. Then the mighty quartet Blackwood was formed, recording their albums using digital and analog equipment at the same time, rocking daily music industry showcases, topping the charts and playing sold out shows all over the galaxy, and basically destroying every other piece of music ever written.

One day in super technonic space time dimension, Richie Blackwood was eating an avocado when Jesus appeared to him in an apparition. His goal: to create a Band so heavy, so technical, and so political to revolutionize the spiritual energy of the United States. This band was Blackwood. Teaming with ex-Little John keyboardist Johnny Raven and one time Jerry Springer guest Alex Knight, they released an album often considered to be the best of its generation: "The Seedpeople" soundtrack of 1985. Deals with the Pentagon and Sony Records followed, and the band flourished in the mid nineties with such classic tracks as "Mike Tyson's Punch Out!!!" and "God Called In Sick Today", reaching a new level of artistry in metal and becoming darlings of the late nineties MTV generation. The band is currently holed up in a studio somewhere in Long Island, United Kingdom, writing their self-titled follow up to 2001's "Lateralus". Rumours of tours with Elton John, as well as a Zimbabwean tour with post-ska progressive polka group "Mr. Bordenable's Pre-Teens" have only added fuel to the fire that is Blackwood. See them at a Music Industry Showcase or Breast cancer Awareness benefit near you in 2009!!!

Oh yeah, Mike Vincent

amazing

Funny if Blackwood joined forces with Leonard Graves Philips and Stan Lee, effectively forming "The Blackdicks"

or dickwood

i just love the cock, ya know?

EDIT: haha, it still changes it to that when you say r o c k sucks

Early one morning Richie Blackwood awoke in the Playboy Mansion surrounded by hot blonde bombshells, and reflected on his life. He was tired of the money and the women that his fame in Hard Rock Supergroup Blackwood had cost him; he decided a spiritual journey was what he needed to reclaim the Thunder Throne of Heavy metal madness. He took a year off from modeling to travel around Europe, India, and Thailand, photographing the indigenous people and filming cheap porn with underdeveloped teenagers. He came across his two most influential guitar influences in a barren desert in Bangladesh: Edward Van Halen, Gandhi, and Yanni. There, they lamented the downfall of hard rock after the grunge movement of the early nineties, and worked tirelessly on their impeccable guitar trills and mixolydian scales. finally, Richard reemerged from India with a new album and tour: the Music Showcase Industry tour of 2008, where Blackwood at private shows for the music industry all across America. Their opening bands, The Beatles and Iron Maiden, ended up citing Blackwood as a major influence on their later successes. Richard Blackwood is currently holed up in a Long Island fortress completing his debut solo album, "Screaming For Vengeance", with producers Michael Stipe and David Blaine.

Vinnie Russo, Executive Producer of the new "Star Trek" movie and one-time fiance of Julia Louis-Dreyfus, has announced his next project: a dramatic documentary on the making of the new Blackwood cd. The film, to be titled "Reclaiming the Metal Throne" is reportedly inspired by such classics as "The Grudge II" and "George Lucas: Ten Thousand Twinkies" and will follow 3 years in the life of Blackwood. Included is Alex Knight's struggle with an addiction to orange Tic Tacs, the psychotic nature of drummer Mike Vincent's dramatic departure from the band in 2009, and the artistic struggle of Richie Blackwood during the writing of such haunting classics as "Your Other Man" and "A Stranger to Sanity." Quoting Russo, "I think the story of Blackwood needs to be told. Balding, middle aged, milf-fucking guys like me everywhere want this drama to be exposed to the masses." Richie Blackwood, a Hasidic-Buddhist Vegan from Long Island, admits that the recent history of the band reveals an incredible amount of inner turmoil and torment. "For me, music is about out-of-body experiences, DMT, inducing subconscious dreams. Thematically, the recording retains a very primal aura, the concept of altered physical & psychological states are the kinds of ideas that influenced this music. The idea of being lost within sound is one of the consistencies you'll find in OSSEIN records, and this may be one of the best examples. We're interested in hearing your interpretations," he says excitedly, "I think everyone should go to my website and check out the required reading list before listening to our new mini-EP, a ten hour drone collaboration with Eraserhead entitled 'Anal Sackfeva'."

these need no commenting

Ok. I just want to say a few things.





"alright I gotta stop this guy"


"you're not plugged in..."
"Oh... I'm not...?"


"Nah, see here's your problem here. the cable isn't plugged in."
"oh... that explains it..."


"Alright guys give it up one more time for richie blackwood!"
"yeah... give it up for me"


"Hey everybody look at me! It's Alex Knight! The co-founder of blackwood!"
"Yeah! Here's Al-- wait what?"


"Uhh.. yes. We're the blackwood boys."
"who has a question? Yes, question?"

genius

waaaaaaaaaay past genius

So Richie, how do you feel about hair care products for men?

Rich Blackwood: Well Billiam, I'd like to start off by saying that my band Blackwood has sold over 15 million copies of our album, and we're glad to announce a new tour with our friends Whitesnake and Michael Jackson opening.

That's great to hear! But isn't Michael Jackson dead?

RB: I didn't say anything about Michael Jackson.

....



RB: You see Billiam, when I was fourteen years old I joined a traveling circus, and one of the carnies, I believe his name was Chief Smuggums, taught me how to play the song "In The Air Tonight" by Phil Collins on a ukelele. Ever since then, my talent has been increasing in size, to the point where I am now an uber-black belt-supersaiyan-kamehameha Guitar Hero. Actually, if you've ever played the game Guitar Hero for the Nintendo, that's actually based on true events in my life. It's a virtual biography.



Tell me who this smelly old man sitting next to you is.

RB: I'm happy to introduce my good friend and confidant, and also the new bassist of Blackwood, Ron Tupteetoo. We met at a Baywatch convention in Bangkok and hit it off right away. I was signing an autograph for Pamela Anderson and Johann Sebastian Bach when he came up to me and started telling me how much he enjoyed our latest single, "Fried Foods (Are Not My Thing)", featuring Saddam Hussein and Bruno. I knew then that we had forged a musical bond through steel that would fly galliantly through the mists of Avalon.



Well, that's it for Hard Rock For Life radio out of KCUF in Long Island, I'm Corby Tenderman, and you guys remember to check out Blackwood at a Kiss convention near you!

RB: Thanks, and everyone welcome our new bass player too! If you want to learn more, you can check us out at www.blackwoodtheband.com, or on MySpace at myspace.com/blackwoodtheband. Everything is Blackwood the band. Hard rock for life.

amazing.
brilliant

haaaaaawd woooooock
fashaugh

Coming Fall 2009, "The Ballad of Richie Blackwood," a Bob Dylan-influenced set of folk and country songs by Grammy award Winner and World Hopscotch Champion, Richie Blackwood. "I wanted these songs to speak to my kind of people: midgets, women in clown suits, Edward Van Halen, etc." The first single, "Got To Be A Rocker (Even If I'm on the Acoustic Guitar)," showcases his baroque and flamenco influenced fingerstyle playing, as well as a guest harmonica solo from Morgan Freeman; the concluding track, "Devils and Dustbusters," is a stinging indictment of the grunge revolution of the mid-nineties. "That's one of my favorite tracks," Blackwood says, "it actually inspired a later Bruce Springsteen album of almost the same name. Of course, he comepletely missed the point."

i think you took the taco with that last one


Richie checks in from the road:::
Well is been a very busy past couple of months on the "Rock the Wood World tour" featuring Ossein and Stroke 9. Its the last night on the tour and we raked in about 15 million in ticket sales, 40 million in merch sales and at least 80 different STDs from all the groupies we collected throughout the tour. Despite the absence of Johnny Raven and Mike Vincent the tour was a huge success. Standing in their places are Eddie Murphy on drums and James Gandalfini on bass. We also included touring keyboardist Dave Mustaine to our new live line-up as well. The Blackwood package was a huge success.

Setlist from the tour in order:::
-Main theme into to Signs (played over the PA)
-Super Smash bros Brawl theme song (also over PA)
-Locked in
-Paranoid (black sabbath)
-Iron Man (black sabbath)
-Ich Will (rammstein)
-Your other man
-*richie blackwood guitar solo featuring David Marvin doing some cutting edge illusions*
-She Bangs (ricky martin) (also featuring Dave Chappele on maracas)
-Breaking the Law (judas priest)
-Crying out
-A stranger to sanity (featuring Bam Margera and Daisy Berkowitz on vocals)
-Against the Grain (featuring Phil from NY rocks on saxophone
-*freestyle rap battle between Tom Cruise and Glenn Danzig*
-I dont want
{{{encore}}}

-*accoustic Richie Blackwood solo*
-Locked in (reprise)
-Stranger to Sanity (reprise)
-Crying out (in B minor this time)
-War Pigs (black sabbath)

Ossein setlist::::
-Entire Opal Sativa album
-Drone jam


Stroke 9 setlist:::

-Washin and Wondering
-Little Black Backpack'
-Letters
-Tail of the Sun
-Kick some ass
-100 girls
-Abandon Confusion
-Runaway
-Ride it
-So Good
-Feel the summer

And YES i did in fact look through Stroke 9's entire discography on wikipedia to make a legit setlist for them

I don't know who the fuck Stroke 9 is, but otherwise, post of epically hilarious proportions.

Lee has sent me the Riders of Odin songs, ima do some zingers and zing these tracks

Dude, please put these up on megaupload or something. dying to hear 'em. Do you have "Leatherface" and "Cookie-Monster Influenced"-Nibby-Lee-"Burnt Offerings"?

'Osaka' was the product of an unplanned recording jam (not originally intended for Ossein) between myself, and my two good friends, Lee & Eden Lustig. We set up a clean electric guitar, synth, and sampler. We were heavily using marijuana throughout the recording, which benefited the music's ambience. The three of us had been jamming together for years, and really learned to complement each other's styles. We improvised each track, the album version is the first and only take of those songs. After doing alot of digital post production, we had a pretty unique forty minutes of material, much to our surprise. I spent a few weeks listening, and I recorded what I felt would be appropriate vocals to accompany the instrumentation.

seconded

guys niles coming back in 2 days.

.....EDIT: these are so horrificly horrible, I had to add commentary:

burnt offerings
sigh...

leathaface
the intro is actually pretty trippy but ones the metal comes in it turns into a fuckin michale graves era misfits/st. anger fusion

death comes rip
this is just terrible

grey king
again, pretty good intro. good up until the retarded deep voice narration followed by fuckin parkinsons guitar playing

gilgamesh
this just sounds exactly like burnt offerings. terrible.

enjoy the fruits of my gayness.

I fuckin love Riders of Odin, so good (no sarcasm intended)

Flip McGillicutty is a 'tute man

matt the person in your sig in the 3rd pic is absolutely horrifying, im high as fuck and i just saw that and it scared the shit out of me.

http://www.multiplewomen.com/?t202id=110189&t202kw=mup

this was the popup site that came up when i went to megaupload. possibly the most unintentionally hilarious and useful popup i have eve encountered

LOL

btw Edo, I didn't even make this sig, I assumed you and Lee changed it cause you were sick of that Nile photo popping up all over the place. Funny though.

In fact, every person in my current sig sort of represent a side of Vinny's life.

the fuck is wrong with that 3rd guy

i thought that was a women...

btw it was me matt. theres a whole site full of those

I must say, this one is really, really funny.

Another great Matt-joke occurs about 3 posts after this one, where I reference one of Director Vinny Russo's early successes, called "George Lucas: Ten Thousand Twinkies"