:P
HOW TO BECOME A WITCH IN NINE EASY LESSONS
Author Unknown

In the 1980's it was fashionable to be interested in the New Age.
This is now a dreadful faux pas within the alternative scene, and
in order to be accepted in the 1990's metaphysical social set,
one must have an interest in Witchcraft or Paganism. Of course,
you don't have to actually belong to a coven in order to be
thought of as a Witch, you can bluff your way into being accepted
as a fully fledged Witch simply by knowing a few terms and
dressing accordingly. This brings us to...

Rule #1: Image is Everything. After all, what's the good of being
a Witch if nobody knows you are one? You must therefore wear
black at all times. If possible, stay out of the sun until you
become really pale, as this makes the effect even better. For
women (and adventurous males) dark eyeliner and black nail polish
can enhance this look. Also wear crystals and cheap occult
paraphernalia at all times, and make sure that these are as gaudy
and bizarre as possible, as this can only help your image.
Wearing a pentacle around your neck is an absolutely necessary
accessory - the bigger the better! Capes and cloaks are optional
around town - it depends on how much of a visual impact you want
to make, but either of these are also crucial apparel at any
ritual or gathering that you may attend.

Rule #2: Name Dropping is Good. Every serious student of The
Craft (and I'm talking here about the term for Witchcraft, not
macramé) knows the name Gerald Gardner. This man revitalized
Witchcraft in the mid 1900's with his book about the true history
of The Old Religion (some have called this book pure fiction, but
only those picky few who like books to be based on facts). Real
Witches however, never let historical accuracy get in the way of
their spiritual path, so in conversations with other witches,
quote his name as often as possible (in tones of awe) and you
will always be rewarded with smiles of acceptance.

Rule #3: Past Life Name Dropping is Even Better. Tell everyone
about the past life memories that have been surfacing since you
began studying the Black Arts. It is especially useful to
remember a past lifetime as a Witch who was killed during the
Inquisition, or at least recall a lifetime as a famous occultist.
My past lives have included Aleister Crowley, Cagliostro,
Mandrake the Magician, and most of the cast of "Bewitched".

Rule #4: Behave Strangely. Never forget why it was that you
wanted to become a Witch - yes, so that you have an excuse for
strange behavior. Previously labeled eccentric behavior patterns
can now be accepted by others if they have a reason to explain
it, even if that reason for howling at full moons while naked is
simply, "He/she is a Witch, that's normal for them evidently."
So, don't let your friends down, behave strangely, you can get
away with it now.

Rule #5: Watch Occult Movies. Make sure that you watch the movie
"Warlock" lots of times to perfect those soft landings after
over-indulging with the flying ointments (read as mead and weed).

Rule #6: Ready Yourself for Sex, Money and Power. Wasn't this the
other reason you were drawn to Witchcraft? In the past, adepts of
the occult were known to possess charismatic, lusty and powerful
personas - when people find out that you are a Witch, they may
automatically assume (and therefore empower you) with these same
qualities. This may sound pretty good, but unfortunately in
today's world, another group of people have become even more
established within the realms of kinky sex sessions and unlimited
power - yes, the politicians! Beware of this elitist group of
power-brokers... they don't want any competition to their
manipulative monopoly over the gullible public - hence the laws
against Witchcraft and divination that have remained unchanged
for centuries. So, if calling yourself a High Priest doesn't lead
you to unlimited sex, money and power - or if it does, but you
then find yourself as the target of political and legal
harassment - you may have to put aside your cloak and broomstick
and pick up a pin-stripe suit and a back-bench in Parliament. If
you can't beat them, try bribery, then if that doesn't work...
join them!

Rule #7: Atmosphere is Essential. Your home must reflect your
Witchy nature. Incense must burn continuously. It's important
that visitors see clouds of incense smoke billowing from a
spluttering censor in the corner of your dim, dank and dusty
home, so dismantle the smoke detectors and start collecting
strange little bottles of exotic looking ingredients (use your
imagination and label them with names like powdered bat's eyes,
or dried dragon's gonads). And if you don't like housework, you
can explain that the layer of dust that covers your floors and
furniture helps to neutralize the highly charged psychic energy
that results from your magical spells, thereby protecting your
home and possessions from electromagnetic disintegration.

Rule # 8: Be Patronizing to Christians. In social discussions
don't forget to make plenty of derogatory remarks about
fundamentalist Christians, but remember to save your most biting
comments for other Witches that you don't get along with.

Rule #9: Brag About Your Psychic Powers. Any self-respecting
Witch will tell you that after their initiation to Witchcraft,
their psychic powers awakened and their tarot cards (which they
always carry with them) are now much easier to read (they now get
something right once in a while). They will also tell you that
they can now sense energy fields (in other words, they don't bump
into things as often as they used to). Follow this example and
brag about the rapid development of your psychic abilities since
your initiation. If asked about your initiation ceremony, simply
state that you were sworn to secrecy about it, then quickly
change the subject by mentioning your newly awakened ability to
detect Ley-lines, but try to remember that a Ley-line is not a
queue for the after-ritual orgy!

Now you know how to pass yourself off as a real Witch, so place
that broomstick in a conspicuous corner (one that is not clouded
by too much incense smoke); pull on those black clothes; give
everyone that you meet a sinister look - and your social status
will improve overnight. If you do all of this successfully, you
may even find yourself with enough adoring acolytes so that you
can start your own coven! Good luck and Blessed Be!