THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF
LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT..."

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I
can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spai n; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husban d
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed their store, saying he' d be back if they didn't
close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh
can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered fr om bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good)
a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer ... you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators; the engineer soon becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer: "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great! We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators! And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next!"

God exclaims: "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan, standing his ground, challenges: "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God replies threateningly: "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right! And just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Oh, come on! I SO posted that in another thread! :angry: Either you stole it, or we read the same paper! :o

Wanna hear a real good joke? Oh wait...

This joke means no offense to ANYONE, it's just something my best friend said after taking some Claritin. So, if you have anything to say I will pass them on to him. Again, I mean no offense. But if you are offended, send your comments to:

Kiss My Ass
c/o Rock-Onia
52 That Was Funny As Hell Blvd
Lighten Up, Rhode Island PO Box 80085 (PS: Put that into a calculator. :fonz: )

I mean hey, this is real life.

Oh, damn, I forgot the joke... Oh well. :shrug:

All your jokes belong to me! B)

:wall:

I gots a good one.


Women's Rights. :rofl:

Lord, I apologize!! :rofl:

*whacks RO with my purse*

That's what I do to MB when he gets out of line.

You put a brick in it first, I hope! :evil:

Yep! :D

Dat's my girl! You make O/L mommy so proud!

*wipes a tear*

Yay! :D

I Won't Comment on the recent Pruse Whacking and "Mommy"

Funny Jokes :rofl:

Hey, I apologized immediatley after saying that! You had no reason to hit me! This is exactly what happens when you give women... (to self)wait no, think of what happened after the inital joke, RO. (to all) Uh... purses. Yeah. And bricks. ANd I apologize to all female members of the forum. Please send your thoughts to:


Kiss My Ass
c/o Rock-Onia
52 That Was Funny As Hell Blvd.
Lighten Up, Rhode Island PO Box 80085 (PS: Put that into a calculator) :fonz:


Thank you.

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.


After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

:lol: :rolleyes: :lol:

That's good. :rofl:

I got nothing.

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it takes her twelve tries before she realizes that you can't just push them in.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So brunettes can understand them.

A variation of that joke replaces a blonde with a drummer.

Speaking of which:

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him how first.

How many drummers...
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.

How many bass players...
Five. One to change the bulb, and four to fight off the lead guitarists trying to hog the light.

Thank you, thank you. I'm here till I get onto "Last Comic Standing"!!

Yeah, I heard it as a drummer joke, but decided to change it to a blonde joke.

What do you do to get a drummer off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
"You want fries with that?"

Whaddya call a dude who hangs out with musicians?
The drummer.

Did you hear about the bassist who locked her keys in her car?
It took 5 hours with a coat hanger to get the drummer out.

:rofl:


How can you tell if a stage is level?
The drummer's drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Why do drummers have half an ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

A drummer decided that he was sick and tired of getting no respect and being the butt of the rest of the band's jokes. So, he went to the music store to try and get a new instrument. He goes up to the clerk and says, "I want that accordion in the corner."

"You're a drummer, aren't you?"

Dejected, the drummer asks, "How can you tell?"

"That's a radiator."

A guy walks into a store, and says, "Hey, lemme get one 'o them thar fancy Fendar StratoBlaster Geetars with a Peavet Rose ex Ampleefier with bilt en pedals and tooner."

The man behind the counter says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how'd ja know?"

"This is a travel agency."

:rofl:

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Why don't drummers ever catch colds?
Even a virus has some pride.

What did the drummer write in the space for his name on the SAT?
World War 7.

(Yeah, I'm runnin' outta good music jokes. I'm done for tonight, KD. Till next time.)

(I'm out too)

Still nothing.

I'm out again.

Still nothing.



Just a pretty face...

meh, how you doin'? B)

Hey, that's my line!!!

A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would
re-board in 50 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!


Apparently a true story!

Truth is stranger than fiction.


So, 3 blondes walk into a bar. You think one of them would've seen it. :lol:

A man is like a deck of playing cards. You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to bash his head in, and a spade to finally bury him.

:rofl:

I'll miss these kind of things. I need to be alone... :cry:

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided
that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him
that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it
was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home,
get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and
count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting
a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began
to count...

"1"




"2"





"3"




"4"





"5"






At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,
Arkansas, Mississippi, Georgia, Missouri, West
Virginia and parts of Washington DC

:rofl: