Are you frugal, or stingy?
There's a big difference: One's a virtue, the other's a vice. A lot depends on how your frugality affects others.


By Liz Pulliam Weston
One of my friends grew up poor. She's not any longer, but she still finds herself reflexively saying no when her kids ask her to buy them something. Is she being financially prudent, she wonders, or just stingy?

Another friend is involved with a man who often cooks her dinner at his house. Does he really love to cook that much, she asks, or is he just trying to avoid spending money in restaurants?

You've been invited to a dear friend's wedding, but you're struggling to pay off credit-card debt. Does economizing on a wedding present make you frugal, or a miser?

All of us have to make choices about how we spend our money. Wise choices allow us to build our wealth and, eventually, achieve financial independence. But how do you decide when you're being frugal, and when you've crossed the line into stinginess?

You might be stingy if …
When I posed this question to the folks on the Your Money message board, some responded that "stinginess" or "frugality" were in the eye of the beholder. As one poster put it, "I find that stingy is what other people call a frugal person, especially when it inhibits a group plan or describes an action contrary to what someone else would do."

Maybe. But I and others believe stinginess can be objectively identified. And here are some benchmarks:

If you use 2-for-1 coupons at a restaurant, you might be frugal. If you base your server's tip on the discounted bill, you're probably stingy.

If you decide in advance how much to spend each year on charitable contributions, and then try to stay within that budget, you might be frugal. If the last thing you gave to charity was an ancient can of lima beans you wouldn't eat yourself, then you're probably stingy.

If you use a tea bag for more than one cup of tea, you might be frugal. If you offer a guest the cup made from the used bag, you're probably stingy.

Frugality can be, and often is, a virtue. It implies you're being careful, not wasteful, with your resources.
Stinginess is a vice, and it carries a whiff of meanness. The word "implies a marked lack of generosity," as Webster's tells us. Stinginess is about pulling back when the more-human impulse is to give.

Message board poster LolaStressed1 offered the board a classic example from her childhood.

"We'd be over at (a notoriously stingy neighbor's) house playing and they'd offer popsicles … Anyway, their kids would get a whole one each and us neighbor kids would get one cut into sometimes four pieces to split among us. Every time I see my old childhood playmates we laugh about that. To me, frugal would have been giving everyone the same amount (even if it was just a quarter of an Icee Pop)."

Stinginess, to LolaStressed1, "is always keeping the best for yourself and giving everyone else the scraps."

Hallmarks of stinginess
Several posters noted that the choices stingy folks make often prove costly to others. And when I asked author and self-proclaimed cheapskate Mary Hunt for her definitions of frugality versus stinginess, that's a point she made right away.

"Frugality is the activity required for me to live below my means," said Hunt, whose latest book is "Live Your Life for Half the Price." "Stinginess is the activity of requiring others to participate in my frugality."

She cited some examples:

"A stingy person wouldn't be caught dead leaving a decent tip, always splits meals, tries to return stuff after having worn it once … hoping to trick the store into a full refund, never gives a dime to the church or synagogue, doesn't honor the kids' teachers with a thank-you gift, does everything possible to keep as much money as possible -- at the expense of others!"

By contrast, Hunt's definition of frugality well-lived includes the concept of generosity.

"Giving and saving are frugality's magic bullets: Giving is the antidote for greed; saving is the antidote for fear," Hunt said. "If you always give and save first, you won't become greedy and you'll never be broke."

Stingy is a way of life
Message-board poster Spoochin takes pride in getting the most out of every dollar spent, but her approach to giving illustrates Hunt's point.

"I continue to donate clothes to a charity that helps those affected by (Hurricane) Katrina," Spoochin posted. "I'll take a fixed amount of money and buy off-season clothes or items that are on sale, so I can send the largest number of garments possible. I try to buy the nicest items I can find because if the situation were reversed and I had to accept charity, I'd want to receive something that made me feel proud to wear it, not a torn, stained item that someone else didn't want."

Of course, not everyone has enough money to buy clothes for strangers, and many who do have other priorities. But generosity of spirit tends to show through in the patterns of people's actions over time, and so does stinginess.

That's how my buddy decided her gourmet boyfriend was a mensch, not a miser. He showers her with attention, likes to throw parties and loves to feed people well -- not exactly the traits of a stingy man.

My friend with the kids, on the other hand, decided that it was OK to say yes to their requests a little more often. She may never shake the fear of not having "enough," but the objective facts of her financial situation mean she can afford to cut loose with them once in awhile.

Time to look at yourself
If someone's accusing you of stinginess, or you're wondering if you're being stingy, you might consider the following:

How do I feel about my choices regarding sharing, charity or tipping? If you're guided by a spirit of generosity, your choices should sit well with your conscience. If you're feeling angry or defensive or rationalizing with a rant that involves the deficiencies of "the System," though, you might want to take a look at why you're so rattled.

Am I being fair? When in doubt, trot out the Golden Rule. Are you treating others as you would want to be treated? Or are you doing something you wouldn't want done to yourself? Is someone else being forced to pay a cost while you benefit?

What are my alternatives? There's usually a path between being a spendthrift and being stingy, although you may need some creativity to find it. For example:

You don't have to shell out a fortune for a wedding present if you put some care into its selection. That takes more time than snatching something pricey off the registry, but a thoughtful gift is never stingy -- and vice versa.

If your friends want to go to an expensive restaurant you can't afford, you can always suggest a less expensive (but still fun) alternative. But you do have to contribute your full share to the bill, including drinks, tax and tip. Asking your friends to subsidize your meal may not be precisely stingy, but it's certainly freeloading.

You don't have to give to every panhandler who asks you for change. But you may feel better saying no if you regularly give to a charity of your choice.

And you don't have to buy Girl Scout cookies from every kid outside a grocery store. But if she shows up at your door in her cute little uniform, you do have to buy at least one box from your niece.

This is good; and I can see where there are differences. Frugal ... is being wise and careful and is often necessary (even though I need to learn in this area; stingy seems mean somehow and that meanness is reflected in everything and very different from frugalness. Good lessons

I loved this article. And it's so funny - in my experience, those of us who are frugal know the difference. Those of us who are not frugal (either stingy or spendthrifts) do NOT know the difference. Those buying brand new clothes to the tune of $1000 or more per person, per year, look down on us Salvation Armiers. (see my post in Share Your Bargain).

For example, for Christmas, my dad went to the local flea market to buy me a little hand held Dirt Devil. No one was around (in cars or on foot) and my dad found $9. Of course, he could not return it to the rightful owner since the owner was obviously not there. He bought the Dirt Devil for $8 and gave me the $1 - along with the story. What did it cost him? Nothing! But it's an awesome gadget. In turn, I collected the Maxwell House Points from the coffee at work that were just getting thrown out - and got (from their now-expired promotion) $30 in Burpee gift certificates for him, for the garden. Of course I told him they didn't cost me anything, which made the gift even better for him! But outside my family, I don't say, "this outfit cost $1" unless I'm talking to a fellow thrifter. Lest I be labelled a miser.

I guess Hunt hit in on the head - I really do try to save the best for others - I'm more comfortable giving/spending the best on them.