Rules for Fighting By: MarriageToday
Learn How to Resolve Conflict!
When you have a disagreement with your spouse, do you follow the rules for fighting? "Rules...what rules?" you're probably wondering.

"There are some pretty predictable phases that we go through in conflict," says Les Parrott, clinical psychologist, author, speaker, and guest on MarriageToday.

Parrott believes that the way couples handle conflict can predict whether or not their marriages will succeed. When angry words begin to fly, it's helpful to recognize the four elements of conflict and to deal with them properly.

The first element is criticism. "Every fight begins with a critical word," says Parrott, "[but] there's a big difference between criticism and complaining -- and complaining is actually good for your marriage." Criticism usually begins with "you always" or "you never," while complaining usually expresses feelings: "I feel frustrated when we're late or when you don't show up."

The second element is defensiveness. When a husband or wife has been frequently criticized, defensiveness is the natural response. "You do that too long, you become what we call a 'jellyfish in armor,' " Parrott says. "You become so well-guarded that you look tough on the exterior, but inside you're just dying."

Next is contempt which, according to Parrott, "is so deadly it's like pouring poison on a marriage." Contempt usually involves a sarcastic comment or rolling of the eyes, which he believes is one of the most contemptuous things couples do in marriage.

The final element is stonewalling, which is especially common in men. Parrott explains that "you become like a stone wall and you check out." Stonewalling effectively shuts down all communication and is deadly to a marriage.

Parrott believes that these four factors are the predictors of marriages that will fail. However, he cautions couples not to panic if they can identify these factors at work in their own relationships. "We all have those to a degree," he says.

But if a couple recognizes a pattern of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling occurring in their marriage, it's time to raise the red flag. "The point is 'now,' says Parrott. "Don't waste any time. Go in to see a good professional counselor, a good Godly counselor that can help."