The Intimate Marriage
Monday, January 10, 2005
By: Jimmy Evans

It's Available to Every Couple

The Intimate Marriage
We have been created by God with a deep need for intimacy. He is a deeply intimate and relational God and He has created us with the same need. Marriage is the most intimate human relationship on earth. It is, therefore, only truly successful and fulfilling when intimacy is achieved.

Almost every married couple expects to be intimate. However, many couples are disappointed to find that intimacy does not automatically occur when they marry. A deep and satisfying marriage is one that has cultivated intimacy. On the other hand, oftentimes an underlying flaw in an unhappy marriage is that it has failed to develop intimacy.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy is defined as an inner closeness and depth of relationship; complete mutual awareness and unhindered access of interpersonal issues, information and interests.

In order to find the intimacy we desire in marriage, we must first eliminate two major deceptions. The first deception concerning intimacy is that a marriage will automatically be intimate. This is false. When people believe this, they often feel that they must have made a mistake in choosing a spouse because they don’t have the intimacy they think they should. All of us should be comforted to know that no marriage has automatic intimacy, but that every marriage can have wonderful intimacy if we will simply do the right things.

The second major deception concerning intimacy is that sex produces intimacy. If that were true, prostitutes and other sexually active people would be the most fulfilled people on the earth. However, that isn’t the case. Even though sex is a wonderful expression of intimacy, the act of sex doesn’t constitute intimacy.

A simple definition of intimacy is "to be close and/or deep." An intimate marriage is a relationship of emotional and spiritual closeness that goes much deeper than the average friendship or family bond. This intimacy is expressed through physical affection, sexual contact, verbal exchange, and various other ways.

Because intimacy requires the deepest levels of personal exposure and vulnerability, it can only occur successfully and over a long period of time, where certain elements are present. Genesis 2:24-25 gives us God’s plan for marriage, which is the pattern for intimacy. In order to cultivate intimacy in your marriage, there are four essential elements that must be present. They are:

Sharing An attitude of openness and surrender
Intimacy is impossible unless sharing occurs on the deepest levels. More important than anything else is the sharing of our hearts through open and honest communication. In addition, we must also have meaningful time together regularly, as well as share experiences, friends, etc.

An intimate life is a shared life. Lack of intimacy develops in an atmosphere of separateness and selfishness. On the other hand, intimacy occurs when we surrender our individual selves to the common good of our marriage. This is the way we fall in love, and it’s one of the secrets to staying in love.

Partnership A relationship of mutual support and encouragement
Couples who are intimate don’t compete with each other; they compliment each other. An intimate couple’s partnership begins with a strong and regular expression of commitment. Through good times and bad, they are helpmates who use their differences to fill in the gaps in their relationship and to promote the common good of the marriage.

Selfishness destroys oneness and intimacy. It is one of our greatest sins and it separates us from one another. The key to partnership is sacrifice. When a spouse puts his needs or desires aside in order to honor the needs or desires of his spouse, it will create an atmosphere of intimacy and trust. An intimate marriage is built by a team spirit.

Investment An atmosphere of regular, positive exchange
We bond with the source that meets our needs. When we are being fed and fulfilled by our spouses, we want to be with them. Not only that, but the act of nourishing and cherishing each other bonds our spirits together. This is one of the reasons a child bonds in such a profound way to his or her parents. Whoever meets our needs will have our hearts. Also, wherever we invest the treasure of our lives is where our hearts will be.

It is important that we aggressively meet each other’s needs on a daily basis. As we do this, we increase the intimate bond of our relationship. When we stop, we starve the soul of our marriages and we embitter our spouses.

Trust An environment of safety and security
True intimacy requires sharing the depths of one’s soul as well as giving of one’s life daily. This is only possible in an atmosphere of safety and security. To the degree that we create an atmosphere of trust is to the same degree we can open our hearts to one another.

Trust is built through consistency, careful speech, kindness and humility. Trust is destroyed through arrogance, careless words, harshness and sin. When trust has been broken, it can only be rebuilt when the offender takes responsibility for his or her behavior and begins to consistently display a sincere heart.

Intimacy is available for every couple. Regardless of the mistakes or wounds of your past, or the condition of your marriage today, you can have lasting intimacy. However, it must be created by mutual effort and it must be maintained by diligently cultivating these four elements in your marriage: sharing, partnership, investment, and trust. Begin today to build intimacy in your relationship. As a couple, repent to one another for the areas where you have failed each other. Then, forgive one another for the past mistakes and commit to establish these four elements in your marriage every day for the rest of your lives. If you do, you will soon enjoy the most wonderful, deep and satisfying relationship on this earth. God bless you.

I think the hardest part of my marriage is trying to talk with my DH. In the past we both punished each other with our words and deeds, which caused distrust. Plus as this statement says it takes times. sometimes the time has to be put in by one's self if you truly want to have the marriage God intended. Because if you don't there is no guarantee the other will, especially if they do not recognize a need for repair or upgrade.

I agree. Loss of trust shuts down the marriage. Jimmy is the pastor who verbally abused his wife Karen. Karen shut down. God restored their marriage (only God knows how many tears, prayers and false starts were involved) in giving this wonderful pastor and wife their ministry of marital restoration. We stand!