http://lykoleon.deviantart.com/art/dot-dot-dot-80603024


it's not done. i think. feedback please

Before I and other people click the link how about a brief summary so we have an idea what it's about.

I still find posting fanfics on deviantART to be an odd concept. It's made for art and writting just seems a bit out of place, granted I've written a fic via forum posts. I don't even know if they have much for formating options at DA.

its about everything and nothing. to be continued. its only 5 paragraphs. @.@

writing is an art form lol xD
Back in the day....bc times they used writing as a major art form...which is how dif styles were created. ok, it was probibly AD but still you get what i meanizle lol.

wait so did anyone actually even read it?

i am apalled that you guys would respond to this topic without reading it...

Oh its not just you I didn't watch all of those videos RA posted a link in that one topic either. I only watched two =P

On a more serious note I was gonna read it, but I got distracted and I'm in the middle of something at the moment (had enough time to make a reply though lol), but I'll read it later tonight when I'm free and post my thoughts.

@kingard - I know writting is an art form its just odd to see it on deviantART because the site is designed in a manner that focus on subminting and viewing art work primarily not so much literature.


Edit: As promised, I was also nice enough to bump the topic.

Ok I read it and correct me if I’m wrong, but it sounds kind of like thoughts someone would post on a blog disguised under a more meaningful literature medium due to the switching in narration between second and first person. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with that and the switching of views makes it different and artistic in itself, but every good story has a beginning, middle and end at the simplest. Right now it has no apparent destination, it sounds like a bunch of rambling and slightly random thoughts; all the characters are mentioned as nonchalantly as if the author/narrator(s) not only know them, but expect the reader to know who they are as well. Pausing the story for a moment to briefly describe a place, an object, a character, even just what they’re wearing can do wonders. Detail never takes away it only adds, though there is a point where too much detail can be redundant and more of a nuisance than an aid.

A title would be nice too and would really add to it, it doesn’t have to be something complex just something simple, if it sucks you can always go back and change it later, but try to avoid mannerisms as a title because that makes it seem even more blogy. Other than a few minor grammatical things I’d work on the fluency.
“And he continues down the road of life—sorry, cliché line—making choices, choosing forks in his path, this way or that way?”
I guess it’s not so bad now, course it is 12:16AM and I am bit tired, but when I first read it this sentence was confusing. Looking back at it I take to be a bit of a comment within a sentence, but instead of flowing with the sentence it kind of creates a stand still, a start and go, a metaphorical stop sign in the middle of the sentence which takes away from the fluency. “And he continues down the road of life, as clichéd as may it sound, making choices, choosing forks in his path going this way or that.” You see how a simple word change or two can enhance the flow.

I apologize if it sounds like I’m ripping you a new one here and totally destroying the story, but that’s what criticism is. To have any hopes of improvement, one must be receptive to evaluation as harsh as it may be. As I said I like the two different views the story is presented in and not many stories use second person you just need to work on the fluency a bit in order to really pull it off effectively. As far as whether to continue or not that is really up to you. It’s nice to know other people are interested in our work and reading it, but sometimes it’s good to write just for the hell of writing, for practice if you will; although, it does seem according to the comments on DA that you have a number of people who would greatly like you continue the story. Best not disappoint them.

yep, don't worry, i know how to take criticism. After reading it a couple times i noticed it didnt feel as fluid and smooth as i wanted it to. so yeah, you just authenticated that

every writers first book, or short story, is never as good as he wants it to be. So this shouldn't make you give up hope on writing...if thats what your persuing. Just pic up that pen...or turn on the computer, and just type again. Thats what I did, my first few stories...but they all turned out like crap haha.

whatchoo talking about tard? i didnt give up