Name of character-
Rust

Real world player-
Jason

Age-
17

Class-
Twin Blade

Clothing-
Rust wears a purple cap with black designs on it. A black jacket with purple straps that wrap around the shoulders of the jacket. Underneath the open jacket is a purple shirt with some strange symbols on it. He also wears a silver belt that hangs low below his waist. His black baggy black cargo pants seem tyo drape down below the belt in a lazy fasion, the pockets are much oversized and hang low. Underneath the baggy pants are black boots with deep purple straps. His arms exposed are rather pale. His arms are also well defined and look strong but skinny, He is rather thin under all the baggy clothes…

Eye color-
Deep purple, His eyes are almost sad looking, as if you can see his thoughts.

Height-
5’4’’

Hair color-
Rust black hair is draped down over his face in a shaggy manner, his purple eyes are barely visible though the long bangs.

Personality-
In real life, Jason is lonely, his family hates him, and his peers outcast him from there groups. He tends to keep to himself. He is rather quite and somewhat depressing. Around girls he gets nervous. For the few people that get to know him he is know as the depressed eccentric. He always tries to be the best person possible. His past of being teased and taunted makes me try and look out for the little guy wherever he goes.


Weapon/Armor-

Weapon: Amateur Blades (Saber Dance)
Head: Bandana (Repth)
Arm: Wristbands (Juk Rom)
Body: Leather Coat (Gan Zot)
Feet: Sandals

SAMPLE!

Jason paced back and forth in the store, clutching the money in his hand. “I want something new, but not new. Something I haven’t tried.” He said to himself, He looked over the games. He saw several war games, and a few shooters he has heard about but nothing to interesting. As he looked upon the online section one game caught his eye. It was a box with colorful designs all around saying, The World. Hmm maybe he thought to himself for a moment. Reading the game description several words caught his eye, endless possibility, millions of players, endless customization. He knew that this was it. This was the game he had to buy. He quickly checked the price tag and then examined the amount of money he was holding, he had just enough. He walked up to the register and lowered his head as he set it on the counter. The girl behind the counter was about his age, she had long black hair and wore a black t-shirt that had a picture of one of the more popular game characters, she also wore a pair of tight blue jeans that seemed to complement her figure. She was also about the height of Jason a bit shorter. She gave Jason a playful smile as he looked down with a blush. She gave a sigh as she told him the amount, “you know,” The girl said. “, I play this game two, if you need any help look me up alright.” She toke out a small scrap of paper and wrote down a name on it, the she wrote down a number. “Here,” She said holding the paper up, “This is my phone number, I am usually on around 8:30 and later, call me and we shall play around together in the world.” She gave out a giggle and handed the paper to Jason. He gave a smile and nodded as he grabbed up his game and left. As he walked out the door he looked down at the paper, It said, 1-937-834-6018, Call me sweetie, Angel. Jason looked down and smiled as he held the number tight.


Later that night back in the sanctuary of his living room. Jason did not have his own room. Being the eldest of his two younger brothers he was forced to take the couch or share a room. Luckily enough he had one escape, his laptop, He bought it with money saved up form tons of odd jobs, The laptop itself was extremly modified for gaming use, it had one of the fastest drivers, and some of the best in both graphics and sound cards, this thing could out game that of even the most high tech pc. He booted it up and popped in the installation disk, the download began.

Almost instantly it was installed and ready to go. He popped in his custom controller and put on the headset that came with the game. He began the registration process and character creation, name…”Well I haven’t thought of an actual name?” Jason said to himself. Jason's gamer names where always random, not seeming to relate to any one thing. He used names like Blue Day, Blue Demon, always something blue. He loved that color, but he loved purple even more. His names where always blue and his colors always purple, but for some reason, he didn’t want to use blue. Something new. Something worn, and something that is beaten and forgotten. Like the rust on an old nail, a nail that was never used. Only dropped and never picked up. The name hit him…….

Rust!

He typed in the name and almost instantly his character was created, he loved the slender speed and figure of a Twin Blade, the name of the class also intrigued him. The character almost seemed to dress it self as the clothing and color all fell into place with is ideal design. He then recalled the girl from the store; it was around 8:38. “Maybe I should call.” He said aloud to himself grabbing the phone behind him. He dialed in the number, 937-834-6018, the phone began to ring.

“Hello” A lightly toned voice picked up, “Angel?” Jason said with question in his voice. The phone went quite for a second and then a giggle came through. “Oh, it’s you form the store today isn’t it, you know I never got your name.” She said with a laugh that followed almost to make the whole sentence seem lighter. “Oh, sorry, names Jason. I have registered and I am logging on now.” Jason said with a nervous sounding voice, he was trying to avoid small talk so he didn’t get to nervous. She gave out a laugh and then said, "Well when your logged in you’ll some across a title screen, more or less the in game desktop. Go find a link saying add friend and type in LonleyAngel. Its my name in the game, but friends call me angel. “Okay, I am looking now.” There was a tense silence while Jason searched the menu and found the link. As he added in the name and clicked the submit button he got a mail,

The mail made Jason blush once more as he logged into the world and began wondering the town, “It’s not like that,” Jason said in a quiet tone. Angel giggled and gave a swift reply, “Okay, the headset that comes with the game works as a mic as well. So just set you controls in options and meet me at the Chaos Gate. It’s the big spiraling blue thing, you can’t miss it. I am a Twin Blade, you’ll know me when you see me.” She said with a good bye. They both hung up the phone and the first part of his journey into the world had begun.........


(I can leave it there right, if anyone really wants to know what happens next ask and ill post more)

You have a lot of homophone issues in both your story and the rest of your registration. You also have a few mix-ups with punctuation, as well as punctuation missing from where it belongs altogether. Personally, I find it a little odd how you use quotation marks that are normally for speech with some of those thoughts, it makes it a bit confusing to read through some of the dialogue. You've also got a word missing from a sentence that really throws it off. Names like The World (on the game case) aren't all capital letters, I believe.

Fix up most of those and you should be good to go.

Okay! i didnt wantr to proofread to much! becuase i am trying to get in the habbit of getting things right the first time, i have always ben ill grammerd i am going to read through it now!

EDIT:

Homophone???

Words that sound the same but are spelt differently.
Ex. Two, to, too. There, their. Heir, air.
Things like that.

Instead of using caps letters for emphasis, make uses of the bold print. And for emails and flashmails it's common for us to use the quote code.

Oh, i see what homophones are now, i hate those....

And the flash mail thing, i totaly forgot about qoutes thanks. Well i am re-editing some things, but other than the crapy grammer, how about the actual story itself, good or bad?


Also if i miss anything next time through please be specific....If i didnt catch it this time i doubt ill catch it the next, i always have a hard time proof reading....

:(

EDIT:

Okay i fixed alot of things i found when i read it....if i missed anything SORRY!

:o

You have commas in a lot of places where periods should be. Those, I assume, are accidental (but still need to be fixed). I've also spotted a run-on sentence or two that you need to adjust.

To help you out a little, don't try to force streams of thoughts into one sentence. Try and break down a sentence into one or two thoughts at a time, using commas where they're necessary.

If you have patience with us, we'll have patience with you. You're on your way.

Well thats a good way to see it!

I will look over it again. This time paying extra attention.

I guess thats why i am failing english!

EDIT: Okay read through again, and changed ALOT this time aorund...

You've improved quite a bit from when I first glanced in here, but you're not quite there yet (you're close, though, so don't sweat too much). Here's the notes I took while reading your registration:

There's a sentence fragment in your clothing description, and you could use a few conjunctions to improve the flow. Additionally, you have some capitalization errors that you should fix (these are everywhere in your registration). At the same time, watch out for homophone errors (e.g. there, their, and they're). You also still have a lot of run-on sentences throughout your registration. Oh, and as a general rule, whenever someone new speaks, they get a new paragraph.

So after reading it, I'm gonna give you some advice for writing. A lot of the sentences you have, while technically accurate, could very easily be combined with one another, or even worded differently to give a smoother flow to your writing. What I mean is, reading "He went to school. He put his bags in his locker. He got his books and went to hang out with his friends before class." is very short and choppy to read. This won't stop you getting in, but at the same time it's something you should work on improving.

Okay!

:D

I am gona look over it some more, i skimed through and found sevral things i missed very vast, made me sad :(

But i will work hard!

To list a couple things so you know what to look for:

Any dialogue needs to have some sort of punctuation at the end of it. If your character doesn't need a ? or ! at the end of their sentence, you should either end the sentence there with a period, or, if you want to describe what they said afterwards, you can put a comma at the end of if.

Example:

See?

Other notes: you shouldn't have more than three periods in a row (like ...), and there shouldn't be any other punctuation after them. The row of periods, called an ellipses, is meant to add a pause or trail off to the line; it's a type of punctuation all on its own, so it needs nothing else!

I know you said you want to learn to do it without proofreading, but even professional writers proofread their work several times - authors who publish books actually hire other people, or sometimes even whole companies, to look over their work! So there's no shame in having to go back and change something. Practice makes perfect, after all.