All dressed up and nowhere to go, my second Alias related fic.

Author: K. Ackles
Rating: hmmm…PG-13, just incase.
Summary: Irina, Kendall, Jack, Weiss, Vaughn, Will, Syd, Sark, Sloane, Francie, Allison, Marshall, Dixon whoever I might throw in the room, and…Dr. Barnett, just to *help* them get through being cooped up together. All cooped up in a room with no way out. Now it’s my turn to play… :devil: Mwahahahaha…
Pairings: Heck if I know who’s with who.
Genre: (hopefully) Humour
Status: Work in Progress

Chapter One

But First, a message from our sponsors: This is a humorous fic (hopefully!) with the intention of making you laugh. And while these beloved characters are trapped up they gain a better understanding of each other. Sorta. Maybe. Okay, not really, but they should be. During this commercial break, I would like to stress that I do not own the characters of ALIAS, as much as I would like to…get ride of that pesky little Vaughn. However, that won’t be happening here, as I would be murdered by the masses of S/V shippers on AA (where I post this also). Sorry guys! Now back to our regular programming.

*ding* Sydney’s doorbell. She was wearing a long black dress. It was plain, but it hung over her figure to amazing effect. She was wearing hanging earrings, and her hair was curled and done up. She looked beautiful…more than beautiful. She looked, wow, she looked, resplendent. She took his breath away. Will walked into the room arm-in-arm with *real* Francie, and rolled his eyes at Vaughn. He could at least wipe the drool off his chin while he was ogling their best friend. How inconsiderate. Will rolled his eyes again for good measure. Vaughn took a look at Francie, and his jaw dropped further (if that was possible). Francie had also done her hair up, but she was wearing a much longer dress, and hers was pine green. The ‘diamond’ studs in her ears glittering in the light. Wow. It didn’t take much work to make Francie look this good. Will got a little jealous, and told Vaughn to shut his mouth and get out of the way. Both men were dressed in suits with ties. Will’s was blue, and brought out his brilliant sky blue eyes. Vaughn’s was red, and made him look like he had either spilled wine on himself, or had been bleeding. They headed to the restaurant in Sydney’s blue ‘Ford Focus’ (zoom in on logo here, just in case you didn’t see the cars name.)

***

Jack and Irina had been at the table waiting for the four of them, when Sloane walked in. "Look at this!" For whatever reason, he was looking very excited.

If Will was there, he would have rolled his eyes. Twice. For good measure. But he wasn’t. So back to Sloane. He had placed a strange glowing sphere on the table (okay, how boring, I know, sorry.)

"What do you want Arvin?" asked Irina coolly.

"You have to take a look at this! It’s my latest Rambaldi artefact! It’s quite conditional, but If somebody at the table is forty-seven, and four people site down at the table to make seven, then they will be transported to wherever the forty-seven year old thinks of first! Isn’t that cool?"

Jack thought that he would throw up when he heard Arvin use the word cool. In fact, he nearly did, but then he saw Sydney’s blue ‘Ford Focus’ coming down the road.

"If you will excuse me Arvin, Irina, I need to use the bathroom before the rest get here."

"Of course honey"
"Happy forty-seventh Birthday, Irina." Said Sloane, smirking.

"No Arvin, take it away. Come on—oh look, it’s , Kendall and Dr. Barnett! We’re over here!" They walked over to where Irina was making a scene, and drew up their chairs and sat down. Right then, at that exactly precise moment, Syd, Vaughn, Will and Francie walked in. Spotting Irina right away, they walked over. The group looked very nice in their formal-wear. All the men in suits, the women all *dress*ed up.

"Hi mom! Happy Birthday!" Sydney gave her mom a kiss on the cheek, and sat down. So did Will, Francie and Vaughn, all within the given forty-seven seconds.

*whoosh* Jack walked out of the bathroom, and looked at Arvin, who had a stupid grin on his face.

"Where is Irina?" Jack raised an eyebrow at Sloane.

"I don’t know, wherever she thought of first, I guess." He shrugged, and continued to grin stupidly.

"I don’t believe you." Jack did not raise his voice, but instead rolled his eyes. "Irina and I are both forty-seven, and both subject to your stupid Rambaldi devices. What are the odds?"

Sloane’s smirk broadened into a smile. "The odds are actually one in forty-seven."

Jack glared at him coldly. "So, when do we get them back?"

"When they get here."

"Or when we get there."

"Jack—?"

"Arvin. We are going to find my wife. When do you think Dixon, Marshall, Sark, Allison and Weiss, will be arriving?"

"I’m not sure but—Jack, that’s only six people."

"No, we have seven. You are coming with us."

"Lucky for us, they didn’t take the orb with them."

"Lucky for you five other people are supposed to be meeting us here".

Jack looked around for the remaining members of their party.

A/N: Please tell me what you think of this. Anything you have to say is valuable and helps me grow as an author. And stuff. Oh, and this occurs after everyone has been brainwashed into forgetting they hate eachother, and I don’t know if Jack and Irina are both forty-seven, but they are now! Oh, they are also married, but I suppose you noticed that when Jack reffered to Irina as his wife.

:P

LMAO! Although I love Vaughn, it's stillo hilarious! Please continue!

Hilariously satirical...you are too much. Keep it up.
B)

I'll try not to do too much Vaughn bashing...but it depends what comes to mind...If I abuse him to much the readers on AA will revolt. Chapter 3 (still to come) does a bit of a play with Jack and Vaughn in a mean kinda way, but it isn't too bad (I hope!).

Glad you liked it!

Here's chapter two:

A/N: Just to recap, I don’t own this. So…we have Kendall and Dr. Barnett, Sydney and Vaughn, Will and Francie, and poor Irina by herself, well, with six other people, but without her other (some may argue better) half. And here goes, hope you enjoy!

Chapter Two

Irina looked around. She saw everyone else looking rather confused, and then she surveyed her surroundings. They were in her old cell in Kashmir. She had known they would be. She had an awful time there for longer than she could account for, and she was thinking of sending Sloane there when everyone walked in. As Sydney was sitting down, Irina caught Vaughn looking at Francie, and had decided she wanted to send Sloane and Vaughn to Kashmir. It was preferable to killing them herself. Less literal blood on her hands. She liked knives and swords and daggers and rapiers more than guns. Guns were so cowardly, she thought. Anybody can kill with a gun.

Will rolled his eyes at Irina. She was deep in thought, so Will figured it was safe. He was wrong.

"Why are you rolling those big blue eyes at me?"

"Not at you, Mrs. Bristow, I mean...um…Mrs. Derevko, er...Ma’am." Will was terrified of the fact that she could see him through the back of her head.

"Mum, don’t treat Will that way, he’s my best friend!" and she whispered to Will, "She saw you in the mirror, it was your reflection."

*sigh-of-relief*

Will breathed a sigh of relief at knowing Irina couldn’t see through the back of her head. But still he wondered...

However, this statement from Sydney don’t go over to well with Francie or Vaughn. They both protested about this.

"How can he be your best friend?!? I’m supposed to be your best friend!! When you kissed him I said ‘What? You kissed Will Tippin? Are you kidding me?… I don't believe it. You must have been really drunk.’ And then you were all, Uhhhh, and I was like, well whatever. But neither of you remembered it, except for you, and I didn’t tell Will, ever!"

(and if Will did know, then he forgot, or was very very drunk or something, because now he doesn’t remember. That’s how it is. And their memories had been wiped, so the fact that Francie quoted herself exactly and Irina remembers her cell in Kashmir, they don’t know anything. Got that all? Good. Back to the story.)

Meanwhile, Vaughn was trying to talk over Francie’s very loud voice, "He’s your best friend? I’m your fiancée! Doesn’t that count for anything! We are supposed to be best friends first and lovers second and all that crap! And I play the good friend, and you choose him over me!?!?! Unbelievable!"

At this point, Will chips in over their ramblings, because he heard Francie say something about ‘you kissed Will Tippin?’. I would transcribe the argument, but as soon as Will started, Sydney started defending her statement, and I am an amazing and omnipotent author, but Francie is loud, Vaughn is loud, Syd is louder, and Will screams to quietly to hear over everyone else’s screaming. Even I am not that good. However, the arguing hadn’t gone on much longer when Irina was heard over everyone.

"QUIET! SILENCE! SHUT UP! *and words to the same effect in Russian! Finish! French! Spanish! Italian! Portuguese! and German!*"
(PS>If you know what the word is, please let me know, and then I can add it!)
"I said quiet, Michael." Said Irina, who didn’t share the same love of his last name Sydney did.

She raised an eyebrow. Will rolled his eyes. Irina scowled at him. Will hid behind Sydney. Sydney shot a look at her mother. Dr. Barnett threw a look at Kendall. Kendall threw one back. Kendall and Dr. Barnett moved to the far corner of the cell and started snogging. Will rolled his eyes. Francie scowled at Irina. Irina realised Dr. Barnett and Kendall had gone off, and scowled at them, and then at Will, who had rolled his eyes again. Vaughn eyeballed Sydney. Sydney returned the favour. Will eyeballed Francie. Irina thought he was rolling his eyes, and scowled at him more. Francie raised an eyebrow at Irina. Irina raised an eyebrow at Francie. Francie narrowed her eyes. Irina did the same. Staring competition.

Francie and Irina circled each other, each trying not to blink. Dr. Barnett and Kendall stopped snogging in the corner (readers are relieved…right?), and looked on as Irina and Francie circled. Sydney went over to Vaughn, and grabbed onto his hand. Even she had never been able to beat Francie at starring competitions, and she had been able to beat her mother when she was only six. (Sydney, not her mother. It would be kinda odd to picture a five year old Russian kid having a staring competition with—okay, I’ll stop there.) Her mother was in for the beating of a lifetime. Will tried to jump under the covers of the bed, but realised there weren’t any, so decided to cower under the bed instead. (Bed, instead. Instead, bed bedinsteadbedinsteadbedinstead *readers groan: get on with it!* Sorry.). Riveting viewing. Francie and Irina had settled down, and were in the middle of the room. Not blinking, with their friends from the CIA looking on.

Voice Over Guy: Will Francie beat Irina? Will Dr. Barnett and Kendall ever torture my readers like that again? Will Jack know where to look for Irina? Will Sloane pull a runner? Will Sydney ever call Vaughn Michael? Will Will *author snickers* find spiders under the bed? Tune in next chapter, and find out! Different time, same place; here at CIA HQ

A/N: This was the second chapter. Sorry these are so short, but if I come up with lots of ideas, they’ll get longer. If you don’t want them longer, tell me. If you’d like them shorter, tell me, and if you think this is really stupid, pointless, and you wish I’d stop, tell me that too (not that it’ll influence my decision at all). Otherwise, I’ll see what I can do! Thanks for all the reviews from previously. I appreciate them more than you imagine. Please keep it up!

Notice how the non-CIA agents are staring, and the rest are CIA...clever isn’t it! That way I can call the other five CIA people! If it was anyone else, that comparison wouldn’t work!

R/R!!!

Chapter Three

Wahoo! New chapter!

*An hour later*
Irina and Francie were still staring at each other. The other cell members had gotten sick of watching them, and had move on to other things. Kendall and Vaughn were arguing about how much they each got paid, and whether or not Jack actually should still be working field ops at the age of forty-seven. This rather dull conversation had been going on for quite some time, and Vaughn was adamant that he should be dismissed from field duty. (Jack, not Vaughn. Vaughn doesn’t do field ops anyway!). Kendall continued to reiterate the point that Jack was still in peak mental and physical condition, and there was no problem with him at all.

Meanwhile, at the other side of the cell:

"I say twenty more minutes!"

"No way, you said that twenty minutes ago"

"I give them another half hour."

"No way, that’s my bet!"

Will, Sydney and Doc Barnett were arguing over how much longer Francie and Irina could keep this up for. Their previous bets had—according to Will’s watch—expired, so they were making new ones.

"Not a chance!"

"What if Will’s watch is wrong?"

"Whaddya mean wrong. My watch keeps perfect time!"

"Let’s get Vaughn’s watch then."

"Can’t, his stopped on October first four years ago."

"Well then, I guess we have to use Will’s watch."

"Why do you want to use his watch?"

"I’m sensing some hostility there."

"Yes, you are!"

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Okay, so what are the bets now?" Will was feeling intimidated by all the psycho babble, so he decided to facilitate the betting.

After the bets were in (Syd: next twenty minutes, Will: between twenty minutes and forty minutes, Doc Barnett: between forty and an hour), a whole load of mangled people knocked Irina to the ground, and Francie, with all her luck and skill, remained standing.

"Wahooo!!!!", she screamed at the top of her voice. "I win! Eat that you lousy Russian spy!"

"Ka-CHING!!!!! You two owe me! Pay up boy! You to Doc! I won!"

"I am not a Russian spy, I am naturalised American and ex-owner of a crime syndicate. No spy."

"Whatever. I still out-stared your sorry ass. Beat that!"

"Oh yeah…I take cheques and IOU’s all! Oh yeah!"

As the mass of people stood up, they looked around them. Everyone who wasn’t busy yelling, arguing, and digging into their wallets (i.e.: Vaughn and Kendall), looked at the seven people who had just entered their cell. Sark, Allison, Jack, Sloane, Dixon, Marshall and Weiss stood up and looked back at them. They had been to forty-seven places, and now they had finally found the others. As the seven looked around, they began to realise what was going on. Vaughn and Kendall had shut-up very quickly, and they were both looking at Jack in a questioning manner. Jack was almost 100% certain they were talking about him behind his back. As he walked past them and over to Irina, he muttered, "B****es".

"Well excuse me, Mr. Tough Guy. What is you problem boy?" Michael had heard what Jack said, and wasn’t terribly amused by it.

"Agent Bristow? What did you just say?", Kendall chipped in his directorial ten cents.

"I called you both b****es. Talking about me behind my back like that is, like, sooooo totally girlie. Like hello? Get with the program." Jack put his hand on his hip and looked at them. Vaughn had taken off his tie, and now was wearing just his shirt. That shirt makes him look like some clumsy oaf who spilled wine all over himself. Jack was feeling very [EDIT]y at that moment, and continued arguing with Kendall and Michael.

Irina, Will and Doc Barnett were arguing against the mother daughter team of Sydney and Francie. Syd and Francie were making quite an argument that they had both won fair and square. Syd had won the money, and Francie had ‘out-stared Irina’s ass’. Will Doc and Irina disagreed completely, and were demanding a rematch/money back. An amazing observation from Will, which was: "If seven people fall on you, it isn’t your fault that the eye contact was broken". It was these same deductive skills which earned him his place in the CIA "That ain’t true boy" said Francie. "You know I did notin dat made her mama blink. Dat ain’t my gig. I won dat fair and square! Mmm-hmmm." Her dignified accent was slipping into ‘hood speak. After all, Francie’s parent raised her in the hood, why shouldn’t she speak like her people. Will rolled his eyes at Francie, who started yelling at him in such a way even I, as the omnipotent author, cannot recite what was said.

Sark and Allison had made the most of the ensuing arguments, and were behind the bed snogging. From here on known as the ‘Snogging Corner’, cuz Doc and Ken were also back there. Okay, sorry , I’ll stop the torture! Sark is a good kisser thought Allison, I mean, this boy is hot! Meanwhile, in Sark’s body: She just isn’t as good as she was in Francie’s body I strangly-remember-her-as-I-have-no-memory-of-anything-that-has-happened-to-me.

Weiss had struck up a conversation with Sloane about Rambaldi. Eric, ever curious about things which affected his life, wanted to know if Rambaldi had ever said anything about him before. Sloane became a man possessed, and started yelling at Weiss for having no respect for the brilliance which was Milo Rambaldi. This then became a full-scale yelling match when Arvin called Eric a fat, useless, selfish SoB. Weiss didn’t take that as well as nobody would have.

With everyone arguing, Marshall looked around and then—he saw Dixon standing by himself looking at Sark and Allison with disgust as they swapped tonsils. Marshall took this brilliant opportunity to sidle over to him, and start asking him what he thought of the last op tech. Marcus wasn’t interested in talking, but there was nothing better to do, so he stood and listened to Marshall blabber on about some quantum leap theory which inspired his multi-cellular Fisher-Price mac-and-chese set. Dixon didn’t think he could stand much more of this, but as he tuned into the various conversations around him (staring competitions, dead prophets and men calling each other b****es, and talking with weird accents) he realised that his was the best conversation around him, and decided he would argue over the lack of hot dogs in his Mac and Cheese. That discussion also became heated, as Marshall told Dixon how hot dogs would have destroyed the leaping quantums or whatever if they were put over a stove.

"Silence." Nothing.

"Quiet." Still nothing. They continued to argue amongst themselves.

"I SAID SHUT-UP!!!!!!!" Everyone stopped and looked around, first at each other, then outside the cell.

Who is standing outside the cell? Why are Michael, Jack and Kendall talking like girls? Did Francie really win that competition? Did Sydney really get all her money? Will Sark and Allison ever give each other their tonsils back? Will Marshall stop making weird op tech? Will the author stop throwing in her omnipotent two cents worth? Find out next chapter!

A/N: Likey? No likey? Please tell-y what you think-y!

Well, the computer knocked out what you were going to say, but I think I got the drift.
Next time you have to fool it, i.e. sh*tty, or b*tches, then some who might not figure it out will get the picture.
Good the second time I read it. (Chuckle, chuckle) Are we about to meet someone so entirely new? :rolleyes:
B)

Want a new chapter or not...it's coming...if you want it? :ph43r:

I want anew chapter

asap

LOL

Brenda

Catch us up with a couple of chapters at a time. Thank you very much.
Hailey Snackles indeed.
B)

Okay...I've decided to get you up to scratch, and as a bonus, the eight chapter will be posted here before it is at AA...so feel special and enjoy!

Chapter 4

A/N: Glad you all seem to like it so far…for everyone who is reading and not reviewing, please do review, it helps me write better if I have a more responsive audience! Thank you. Back to the story.

Previously on All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go: Everyone arguing, and a strange unknown man tells everyone to shut up. We pick up our story here.

Staring back at everyone was none other than Hailey Snackles. She was looking at the fourteen in front of her with a mix of confusion, annoyance, and a strained bladder. Irina broke the silence,

“Hello. How can we help you?”

“It seems that you have all landed yourselves in my establishment. What brings you to Kashmir, other than your love of death, particularly your own?” Hailey was taunting them.

“We just happen to be here because of Ra—“. Sloane quickly covered her mouth. He didn’t know what exactly he was doing it for, but he had a strange feeling of ‘He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’, and the at the not-to-be-named-he was Milo Rambaldi.

“Let the lady speak, Arvin.” She was mocking Sloane.

“No. I think her mouth is best kept shut, don’t you?” Sloane was taunting.

“Very well then. I have a proposal to make. Since all fourteen of you have so kindly turned up in my cell, I no longer have to look for you and kill you one by one. I can also play with you now, in whatever manner I choose. Since reality TV hasn’t seemed to have taken off in Asia, I shall come up with something more exciting for you all to do. But first, I have a video for you to watch. At your leisure of course. I will be back tomorrow, and I will expect a full analysis on how the video affected each of you individually.”

This was met with garbled responses. Mostly stunned looks, very little apprehension, and lots of confusion.

“I see.” Said Hailey, “and so will you all after you have seen what I have to show you. That is all. If you need anything, holler. That’s not to say anybody will respond, or hear you, but holler anyway. I need the bathroom now, so if you will excuse me, I gotta dash. Cheerio!” And Hailey disappeared in a cloud of figurative smoke.

Will Tippin greeted this ‘task’ with a very thorough eye-rolling. This served to get him smacked by Jack, who was sick of the ex-reporters eye manoeuvres. However it was Vaughn who spoke up first.

“Since I have no idea what is going on at all, ever, I think that we should do whatever Hailey asked us to do, and beg for mercy. That’s what I usually do anyway.”

“You are such a wuss.” Will chipped in, and re-rolled his eyes.

“And who are you to speak, oh beautiful blue-eyed one?”

“Was that supposed to be an insult”

“Yeah, it was!”

The two men started fighting and tearing at each others clothing. Before Syd and Irina could jump in to stop them, they had torn each others shirts to smithereens, (much to the dismay of the female readers ;) ) Both full-grown men now stood in the middle of the room, with very stupid looks on their faces, and very sexy washboard abs looking out into the open (hey, even I can’t deny MV has a great body, even though I don’t like him much, and so does BC btw).

“Very mature of you guys. Really.” The answer from Sydney and Francie was synchronised.

“What do you propose we –” started Allison.

“ALICE?!?!?!? What are you doing here? How did you get here? Why are you here?” Vaughn’s confusion was notable. He hadn’t expected someone he wasn’t supposed to recognise somebody he didn’t remember, but out of nowhere, he did. Something about her had triggered his memory, and he—

“Oh come ON!!! Cute look on your face Vaughn, we are dating now. Why is she here? Somebody explain this to me?” Sydney cut of the author, and started on Vaughn.

Irina looked at Jack, who looked back at Irina. They had both been thinking about Alice at the same moment, hoping she would come and stop Michael from marrying their daughter. *poof* here she was, out of nowhere. Must be Rambaldi and the forty-seven thing.

Will rolled his eyes at Alice. (all this in the space of seconds, leaving Alice time to say something back to Sydney.)

“Excuse me, Rita, but who died and made you god, and What the f*** am I doing here? Just a question.”

*ffwd to am hour later*

Doc B and Kendal had debriefed Alice, and told her about everything including Michael’s love-life in recent months. After this had been completed, they decided to vote whether or not to do as Hailey told them. And the votes run as so:

Sark: Don’t do it.
Comment: The less creepy stuff I let happen to me, the sexier I can look.

Allison: Hello, yeah!
Comment: Movies = me +Jon in the snogging corner. *news flash*

Jack: Of course.
Comment: I like movies! Especially the classics. I wonder what it is?

Sloane: Sure.
Comment: I do what Jack does, even though I pretend he really follows me.

Dixon: No!
Comment: I’d rather escape than watch videos I didn’t rent!

Marshall: I’d r-r-r-r-rather not.
Comment: Hypnosis via television is not uncommon.

Weiss: Whatever. (taken as a yes)
Comment: Not like there is anything better to do.

Sydney: I say no.
Comment: Just because Vaughn said we should, and he is acting like a girl.

Vaughn: Yes.
Comment: I didn’t get into a fight for nothing, I’m not changing my mind (or shirt!) any time soon.

Will: Nope.
Comment: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

Francie: Sure
Comment: Hey, I’m in a cell with 14 other people. Maybe it will shut ‘em up!

Kendal: No.
Comment: The United States Government does not negotiate with terrorists.

Irina: Bring it.
Comment: Some people have called me a terrorist. I disagree, but I stick with my own, even if it is only implied.

Doc Barnett: No.
Comment: I think Kendal is right. Do you think we can beat Sark and Allison to the corner?

Alice: — Oh dear, we’ve run out of time! Tune in next chapter to see which way the vote goes! Bye!

A/N: R/R!!! Hope you liked it. Not as funny as the others, but covers the necessity for the rest of the chapters.

Chapter 5

A/N: Ooooh...what happens...

Voice Over Guy: A quick recap:
No: Sark, Dixon, Marshall, Sydney, Will, Kendal, Dr. Barnet
Yes: Allison, Jack, Sloane, Weiss, Vaughn, Francie, Irina

Now...what is the final vote by Alice...

Alice: No
Comment: Ummm...I never was a big fan of movies really. Besides, Will is really cute, so I agree with him!

The final vote has been cast...but what will they do...?

After the final vote has been cast, 'No' wins narrowly, eight votes to seven. There is silence. And more silence. And a little more silence just for kicks. Then Will breaks that silence, prompting everyone to stare at him.

"Well, there you have it. No movie. Finish, over and done with,"

"I disagree. Let's say double or nothing that we beat you. How about a small contest?"

"You mean like another staring contest? Real smart idea mom. We all know how that turned out. I could really do without people falling on me, couldn't you?"

"How about something rather more difficult, and then we shall see who watches what." Jack was siding with Irina.

"Well, I think we should all discuss this rationally, after all, we are all adults, and most of us worked for a spy agency at some time, and even if not, we have all been effected by the actions of those around us. Perhaps others have been influencing the vote?"

"Geez Doc, are you trying to write a novel?" asked Vaughn, "If you wanted a recount, why didn't you just say so. Okay, so we are voting again. This time, by show of hands."

"Who died and put you in charge?" Kendal roared.

"Obviously it wasn't you, now was it?" Sloane had raised an eyebrow, and was talking rather quietly, considering the snark in his voice. "Is it so hard to raise your hand, or is democracy not something your department is used to?"

Kendal, not about to be out-done by Arvin Sloane, of all people, agreed to the recount by hand.

"All in favour of watching the video, raise your hands."

Allison, Jack, Sloane, Francie and Irina raised their hands initially. Upon seeing Allison's hand in the air, and the demanding look on her face, Sark also raised his. Six votes for yes. Vaughn didn't raise his hand this time, and upon seeing this, Sydney quickly raised hers. Seven votes. Upon seeing that Jack had voted yes, Sloane put down his hand, and not wanting to be on Sloane's side, Kendal raise his hand. Marshall, taking a lead from Kendal, raised his hand, and seeing this, Allison lowered hers. With Allison's hand going down, Sark's went down as well. Since he had never liked Sark, Dixon raised his hand, not wanting to be on his side. Since Dixon had voted yes, Jack and Irina both voted no, prompting Will to vote yes.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!" Dr. Barnet had seen enough of this. "All hands down. DOWN! Stop rolling your eyes, Mr. Tippin, or you shall find yourself in serious trouble. Now, on the count of three, everybody who wants to watch the video, raise your hands. If your hand is up, it may not go down. If your hand is down, it may not go up. Okay. One...two...three..."

Everybody's hand shot into the air, except for Weiss' who didn't care which way the vote went, and didn't plan on voting either way.

"Okay then, unanimous vote, we watch the video. Was that so hard?"

"Yes, it was" replied Vaughn.

Will rolled his eyes at Vaughn, but nobody caught him this time, because they were to busy playing around with video machine, trying to get it plugged in. The 'strange' Persian plugs baffled Vaughn, Kendal, Sloane, Francie and Dr. Barnet. It was only when Jack stepped in, that the darn thing actually got plugged in.

"How did he do that?" Kendal wondered out loud.

"It's part of the field training. You look like a real idiot if you can't use the plugs of your apparent home country. You've obviously forgotten yours." Jack's remark bit at him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we will now watch the movie. Everybody find a seat and make yourselves comfortable."

Irina opened the case, and put the video in the machine, and snatched the control from Doc, who didn't even notice.

The opening sequence started. A massive battle scene commenced.

"Wow!" everyone exclaimed, except for Weiss, who wanted to know where the guns and H-bombs were.

"This is real fighting you moron. Good old fashioned swords, bows and horses." stated Sydney.

Will rolled his eyes at Weiss, and continued to watch. The scene ended with some guy flailing his sword around and cutting somebody else.

"How pathetic!" This was met by shushes from the others. "Oh come on! Even I could fight better than that ninny. Especially with such a beautiful sword! And then he goes and breaks it! Pathetic!" This was met by more shushes, and Irina's rant quieted down, so she was mumbling "Well I could"s under her breath.

The next scene was a bunch of names flashing up on screen, and some lady speaking in a foreign language. That is, a language foreign to all the linguistic experts sitting in the room. And the strange language wasn't Ewok, or Marshall would have picked it up. But wait...he is picking it up. An ancient tongue, long since forgotten. It sounded beautiful, (camera pans around the room, everybody looking utterly confused, except for Marshall and Allison, who obviously knew what was being said, as a look of understanding spread across their faces). After the other language started, the English over-dub could be heard, and the others understood what was going on.

Voice over Guy: We leave our story here, but what movie are they watching? What is the language only Marshall and Allison seem to understand? Find out next chapter!

A/N: If you think you know what movie they are watching, post it or PM me, and we shall see if it is what you think it is. Not to hard, very big movie, and you'll be kicking yourself if you didn't recognise it... ;) Let the guessing begin! :devil:

Chapter 6

What did our gathering think of the movie? We shall soon find out, shan’t we…

As the camera pans around the cell, we see the following. Sark and Allison still making out in a corner. Kendall and Doc B are simply just sitting there, holding hands and have…oh, sorry, they’ve [b]fallen asleep![b] This is very not good…if Hailey catches them sleeping through one of her favourite movies (next to Dances with Wolves) she’s sure to torture and execute them. They better hope they have seen it before when it comes times for them to tell her what they think of it. Irina, who had seen the movie more times than people she’d killed, was having a heated discussion with Sydney, Alice and Francie over who was the hottest ‘Man of the Rings’. Irina stood by Sean Bean, Sydney’s vote was for Viggo Mortensen, Francie thought that Orlando Bloom was the best, and Alice has defied all logic, and chosen Jonathan Rhys-Davies. Why, one must ask, well, here is their reasoning:

"Sean Bean. He does not deny his humanness, he is not perfect, he has an innate human evil which he does not refuse, but embraces. He knows what his people need, and even though it may not be the best choice, he does what he can to obtain it. He is also valiant, and unselfish in trying to save the little hobbits, and living his life in the process. Besides, any man that plays Macbeth on stage after such a major role is seriously down to earth. Besides, I like Macbeth."

"Well that is really cute mom, really, but how does that make him the best looking guy in that movie? See it doesn’t. Therefore—"

"Excuse me, dear daughter of mine, but all of those amazingly sexy qualities shine through from his inner to his outer self, and you can see it on the outside. And he is definitely the sexiest man of the bunch."

"Yeah, uh huh…well, whatever rocks you boat mom. It’s still ‘Eww’, but whatever. I say Viggo is the hottest, I mean that sword, and his power, the fact that he is destined to become king? How about that rugged sexiness? One cannot deny that he just looks like a stellar god with that hair, and his beard…his sword when he is fighting. He is amazing, and he is the sexy one."

"One name girls, Orlando Bloom. I mean, damn, that boy is some kinda fine! His long blond hair, that boy and arrow, he is just too cute. Like, hello, have you not been watching the movie? His snark, his skill as an archer, and that knife of his! It’s too much to handle! And the fact that the entire Fellowship would have been safer if they had listened to him, and not treated him like an idiot. Hello, wake up and smell the coffee! And he will be sexy forever, that little elfy thing he’s got going, damn. Ain’t nothing finer! But waddup with little Alice over there? I mean, she drooling on the dwarf or what? That’s some kinda freaky."

"That’s nasty!" the three of them said in succession. Alice wasn’t really arguing anymore, because she was watching one of Gimli’s scenes. You could tell she was enjoying it, but the big question is…why?

Meanwhile, Jack was telling everybody who would listen about how he had been on a mission to New Zealand, and how he had been extracted from "that exact hill in the middle of nowhere". At the moment, he was talking to Sloane, who was telling him, very loudly, that he knew Jack had been extracted from there, because he had sent Jack on the mission. Jack insisted it was CIA, and not Sloane. A very loud argument broke out between them over who had sent Jack on the mission. Actually, the argument was so loud that it woke up Kendal, who not-so-carefully moved Doc, and joined in the argument which had awoken him. He took Sloane’s side, saying that it was not a CIA mission, at which point Jack was starting to feel ganged-up on, and started to become defensive.

Let’s not forget about Will and Vaughn, who were arguing over whether or not Sydney loved Vaughn. In a strange twist of events, Will was sure she did love Vaughn, while he was not so sure either way.

"Why is she contradicting me every time I say something then, Will. Since you are such a genius."

"Well, she feels threatened by her love, and is trying to maintain an individual personality, which makes its own decisions, and is not dependant on you Mike. Rather simple really."

"Since when did you become a psycho analyst anyway? What is that all about?"

"Well, I had an internship with Doctor Barnet while I was working as an analyst. The CIA thought that it would help me better understand the people I was analysing."

"Really? That’s quite interesting. Say, tell me what you think of Alice."

At this point, Doc B had woken up, after she had been thrown on her side by an awakening Kendal. She joined in the conversation with Will and Michael, and they continued to analyse different people for Vaughn.

At this point, the only people watching the movie were Marcus, Marshall and…Eric? It seems that after all he had said to begin with, he was enjoying the movie much more than he could ever had hoped. Marshall, who had watched the movie more times than Irina was intensely absorbed, and watching with wide eyes. He didn’t even need the subtitles to understand Arwen and Estel, he understood Elvish. Dixon was watching the movie simply because he didn’t want to be dragged into any more useless conversations, and if it took The Lord of the Rings to keep Marshall relatively quiet (he knew all the lines, and recited them with the characters) then Marcus was a very happy man.

And then another argument started. It was Eric and Marshall, who were arguing about whether or not Legolas was actually in the scene at Moria. Eric swore that Legolas did not enter the mines, and then showed up as they ‘tossed dwarfs’. Marshall insisted that he was there the whole time, and had simply not been I the fore. Of course, they couldn’t rewind the video, because Irina still had the control, and there was no way to rewind or fast-forward the video on the machine. (A/N: That’s right. I made up the video player just so they couldn’t rewind or fast-forward it without the control. So sue me.) Dixon joined in the argument, purely for lack of anything to do, and sided with Eric.

Hailey showed up, unnoticed, outside the cell, and saw them all fighting. I’m really going to have to do something about them. Hailey thought. No matter what I do, they are always arguing so loud that I cannot get a wink of sleep. This will stop now.

A/N: So, what did you think? It was indeed The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Rings. But what is Miss Snackles going to do to them now…if a brilliant movie such as this cannot even promote unity, what can? Will Irina, Syd or Francie win the great debate about the sexiest man of the rings? Will Jack find out who really sent him on that mission? Will Sark and Allison ever get out of that corner and have a discussion? Was Legolas really in Moria? What exactly do Will and Doctor Barnet think of Alice? Find out next time!

Chapter 7

"You see, we sent you to New Zealand to retrieve my 47th Rambaldi artefact from that Maori tribe. I mean really Jack, who else would I have trusted with that. You got the artefact at the village near the hill, and then brought it back to me. That was a great mission, lots of people dead. Of course, then you went off and betrayed me when you stayed at the CIA, but hey, who am I to judge you? Anyway, I’m the one who sent you to New Zealand."

"I disagree with you Arvin. I'm positive CIA sent me to New Zealand."

"Actually," interrupted Kendal, "I read your record very carefully before I took on the position as Director of the CIA, and believe me, there was nothing in your file which indicated that the CIA had ever sent you to New Zealand. I would have remembered it. I have been to Wellington, Jack. My ex-wives family was from Auckland. I have seen New Zealand, I love New Zealand, and you have never been sent to New Zealand by CIA, now GET OVER IT!"

"Sweetie." Irina had butted into the conversation now. Actually, more of an argument really. However, the relevance is that Irina was there, and speaking to Jack. "I remember you being sent on that mission. 1981. I was spying on you, and you said it was business in the United Kingdom. Of course, I had been listening in on your conversations and reading all of your documents, and Arvin did send you to New Zealand. I recall reading your debrief as a matter of fact. One of your better pieces really. Rambaldi must have inspired you. His work really can be inspirational. Even—“

"That's great Derevko. When you are finished musing about Milo, we can carry on."

"I apologise Kendal." She said his name with such loathing. "I'll go and discuss Sean Bean with the girls."

And she did just that. Now Kailey Ackles...erm...Hailey Snackles...was watching all of this argumentation (is that even a word? Oh well...it is now!) and thinking that maybe she should do something. I mean, this group of co-workers was soooo pathetically divided that she was getting disturbed. I mean, they must have dropped into her cell in her prison in Kashmir for some sort of reason. Milo wasn't a stupid man. So Hailey decided to leave them to discuss whatever, while she thought of some way to make them work together. As she sat down, and turned on the TV, she saw something which intrigued her. It was a special on The Lord of the Rings, so she sat and watched that while she pondered. And then she flipped channels, and saw the Powerpuff Girls on Cartoon Network. More flipping was rewarded with the brand new Placebo video, 'Special Needs'.

We interrupt this channel flipping episode to bring you: nothing. But hey, it's better than reading about a channel flipper, isn't it?

Nothing.



Nothing.



Still Nothing.


And Kai--erm, Hailey comes up with an idea. Finally. Five hours later.

"You know what, they need to be tasked. I'm going to give these lousy sods some tasks to complete. And I feel really evil, so the tasks will reflect my mood. Ooooh! I'll make them read some spam, just for starters. See how they like that...mwahahahaha!!!"

And yet, there were so many more fun things she could do with/to them. Hailey came up with an even better plan. One which she hoped would bring them together. They were going to [break in transmission]

Hailey stormed into the hallway, and continued storming until she stood in front of the cell. The girls had agreed to disagree about the hottest Man of the Rings, and were now discussing music. Everybody else stopped talking when they saw Hailey, so we didn’t quite catch what they were saying. As the girls realised the silence around them, they to stood quietly.

“Very good.” Started Hailey. “I see that you learn quickly. This is good, as I have something that all of you will be doing for me. I want all of you into pairs—“

People started clinging desperately on to each other. Allison garbed Sark, Will grabbed Syd, who grabbed Vaughn, who had grabbed…Doc Barnet? Also holding on to Vaughn was Alice. Irina had her clutches on Jack, who seemed to be sharing her with Kendal. Weiss, shrugging his shoulders, didn’t care less either way, and for lack of anyone else to choose, went with Sloane. He didn’t really choose Arvin, but he was busy with his yo-yo, and didn’t see Sloane sneaking up on him. Marshall and Marcus had teamed up. Dixon had decided that he wanted to be paired with the sanest member of the group.

“That really is cute. But I think that I will be pairing you up. I realise that you are an odd number, so one of you will be helping me. Mr. Tippin, that somebody is you. Stop trying to cover yourself up, I like you better without your shirt anyway. Mr. Vaughn, I award you team 5 points.”

“Wahoo! Wait. What for? And who is my team?”

“You shall see. Mr. Sark, your team also receives 5 points. And Mr. Tippin, as you seem to lack a team, I give you the right to deduct 5 points from any team you wish.”

Without thinking, Will responded.

“I wanna take 5 points off of Vaughn’s team.”

“Hey! No fair!”

“Yes! We’re in the lead!”

“All right, here’s how this is going to work. I’m going to divide you into seven teams. There will be four tasks. The team which does whatever they are supposed to be doing correctly, wins the task. Points will be awarded by myself, and my assistant will be keeping an eye out for cheaters. Now. The teams are:
Sark, you are with Sydney, and you are the blue team. Here’s the bandannas. Wear them at al times, or you will be disqualified.
Jack, Marshall, you guys are yellow.
Kendal and Sloane, you two are the red team.
Irina, Doc B, you will be the purple team.
Francie, Vaughn, the black team—“
“Hey, is that a racist remark?”
“Fine, you can be pink”
“No way! Pink is so not a guy colour!”
“Shut up Mike. You are pink. Deal.
Eric, Allison, you two can be black then.
And green goes to Dixon and Alice.
Name your teams, and put on you bandannas, and I will be back. Then we can start dishing out tasks. Oh, and Will darling, will you pass each team a copy of the rules, and come with me.”

Will distributed the rules, and ran off after Hailey, who showed him her ‘office’.

A/N: Just in case you didn’t notice, the points were awarded to the teams with shirtless men. Hope you don’t mind me bringing my feminine bias into the story ;) And next chapter (in the pipeline) will be their first task, which I already told you was [break in transmission] so you should already be anticipating it!


PS: I didn't really proofread this, just to get it out quicker, but if anyone *cough**lenafan**cough* finds anything wrong with it, let me know, and I'll fix it!

Here's your special chapter! This one is dedicated to lenafan, and she'll know why once she has read it...let's just say one of her pieces was inspirational ;)

Chapter 8

Let the games begin!

“Will baby, can you please hand out these to each of the teams. Corresponding colours of course.”

Will did just that. He was certainly filling the role of the handsome man who stands next to the ‘evil’ queen, and serves her grapes, looks good without a shirt and the like. You know, all that sexy kinda thing. Dutifully, he handed out one to each person in their respective colours.

“Now, if you will kindly all follow me, I have had my men put together a chamber for this particular event. And please, don’t try to escape. There is nowhere to go, and about a thousand people on the perimeter who will torture and kill you if you try. Besides, I don’t want to kill you, I just want to play a little bit.”

She gave them a daring glare, and raised an eyebrow, hoping that perhaps one of them would try and escape. None of them did.

~*~*~ On the way to the specially made chamber ~*~*~

“Wow! You have some amazing facilities in this place,” commented Irina as they walked. I could have some fun in this place.”

“Except I think they could do without the big screen TV’s in their cells.”

“Well, I wouldn’t deprive myself of TV, even my prisoners deserve certain luxuries. Besides, it isn’t as if they watch the latest sitcoms.”

Again with that wry grin.

“Now if you will all step in, and go to your designated areas, we can begin.”

And she opened the door, which creaked eerily, and cast a small sliver of light in the hall. Everybody stepped through into the room, looking distrustfully at their partners, and clinging onto their friends. All, that is, except for ‘little’ Eric Weiss.

“Eric,” He grunted. “I’m afraid I am going to have to take that from you now. You need to go do your work.”

“Yes ma’am.” He muttered, and gave Hailey his yo-yo. Reluctantly though, it must be added.

“Good good. In you go dear.” Hailey stepped into the room now. “I want you to go to your stations…Go to your stations…I said go…GO!!!”

Everybody jumped, and went where she told them to. Hailey was starting to creep them out. She was very ‘persuasive’ in her own ‘special’ way.

Okay, to get you up to speed with where the characters are. Large spacious room, very round. Lots of windows, which are frosted over. It looks like it used to be the head office, but there is no desk. There are marks on the hardwood floor where a throw rug used to be. Pictures remain on the walls. There have been makeshift walls constructed around the original wall, dividing the room into seven distinctly coloured sections, all of which opened to the centre, where a couch, table, and television were situated. There was a small gap between the yellow and red walls for the door. Facing the door and going around from left the sections are: red (Kendal/Sloane), green (Dixon/Alice) , purple (Irina/DB) , pink (Francie/Michael) , black (Eric/Allison) , blue (Sydney/Sark) and yellow (Jack/Marshall) .

"In front of you, you will see a counter, some pans, and an oven. Behind you is the fridge, and a counter with more baking utensils on it. I want you to grab three ingredients out of the boxes which are in front of you, and place them on the counter. Good. Now close the box, and put it in the small cupboard next to the fridge. Brilliant. Now, put on your aprons, and Will shall write down the three ingredients in front of you.”

Will took a hint, and walked around the circular room, jotting down the three ingredients sitting on each counter top. Of course, this task took him quite a while, as each group was bickering over what to choose. Just to give you a taste of what is going on in each kitchen, here is a small portion of the conversations:

Blue Kitchen:
“Sark, I have PMS. Do you really think that you are doing the smartest thing in the world by depriving me of chocolate. I mean really. Now I know it’s a hard decision. But you are a clever boy, figure it out. I’m waiting?”

“I guess you’re right. *sigh* Chocolate it is. But then we really must choose this orange, because beautiful oranges like this simply cannot be denied. But what is our final choice?”

“Cool Whip!” they both said simultaneously.

Yellow Kitchen:
“I think we are going to have to cook all of this. I can’t cook worth a damn. You choose Flinkman.”

“I make a very good macoroni and cheese, sir. Once I made the op tech for one of your daughters missions, and I actually had to put little com-links in the macoroni and also there was this one time-“

“MARSHAL!”

“Yes sir. I’ll get the stuff for it, sir.”

Red Kitchen:
“I say we choose the artichoke.”

“All right Arvin, if you want to play it that way. I say we choose the cabbagge.”

“And our final ingredient?”

“Cauliflower.”

“Asparagus”

“Cauliflower”

“Rock paper scissors. Ha! Rock. I win. Asparagus.”

Green Kitchen:
“On occasion have made dinner for Dianne and the kids. I always was rather handy with chicken, really.”

“Okay, well, I can make a devine sauce with blue cheese. Vaughn was always rather fond of my sauces. They really are a gift. But I need the cream then, if you don’t mind.”

“Quite all right. Let me just take it out of the box.”

“Here, can you put this back in the box as well, please.”

“Of course.”

Purple Kitchen:
“I read the most extraordinary piece on cottage cheese the other day. Most brilliant. I think we should choose the container with the small curds.”

“Are you sure. That seems to indicate-“

“It doesn’t indicate anything Doc. It just means I like cottage cheese. Stop trying to analyse me, and choose something. No. No. No. You can’t choose that. No. No. Here, let me. There, now we can make lasagne. Don’t try and analyse that. I may be Russian, but I make an incredible lasagne.”

Pink Kitchen:
“Aren’t you even going to ask for my input?”

“Nope.”

“Don’t you care?”

“Can’t say that I do. Now, I want chocolate. Do you have a problem with that, or is it too black for you. Should we get white chocolate, would that make you happy?”

“*sigh* No. Can we have frankfurters though?”

“You want weiners and chocolate? Are you pregnant or something?”

“No. I just like hot dogs.”

“Damn, and people thought I was strange. Now put all that weird stuff back. We keepin the chocolate. Fine, and the weiners. Give us the cream, and then we can have coffee while we bake.”

Black Kitchen:
“So Eric, what should we make?”

“Whatever you want beautiful. I’m easy…really.”

“Are you hitting on me?”

“Just a little bit. Is it working?”

“No. It isn’t. I love Sark. Now choose something.”

“Are you sure it isn’t working? Should I-“

“No. You shouldn’t. Now choose.”

“Alrighty. *Bam* *Bam* *Bam* We can make something with that.”

“Chicken, beef and pork? Can I make a suggestion? There.”

“You took out everythig but the chicken!”

“I like chicken.”

“*sigh* Whatever you want then, beautiful.”

~*~*~

Now Will, shirtless, is writing on a clipboard, well, obviously the paper on the clipboard.

Blue - Syd and Evil guy; chocolate, orange, coolwhip. Interesting…
Yellow - Scary dad and Mr. Op tech; elbow macaroni, cheddar cheese, frankfurters.
Red - Creepy and Really Mean Guys; artichoke, cabbage, asparagus. Ew.
Green - Other Lady, MD; blue cheese, chicken boobs, cream.
Purple - Spy Mum and Shrink Lady; cottage cheese, tomato paste, mince meat (ground beef to y’all in the US)
Pink - France and Beaky; choc, frankfurters, cream.
Black - Yo-Yo and Freplica; chicken, elbow macoroni, tomato paste.

“Okay. You have your ingredients, you have whatever is in your fridge and on your person, and in the cupboards. You have twenty minutes. Ready, steady, cook!”

Everybody looked at Hailey as if she was crazy.

“Go. Begin. Start. Hello! Move! BAKE BEFORE I ORDER YOU KILLED!”

They started cooking, but not after many more strange looks were shot I Haliey’s direction.

Next time: we shall find out what Kendal and Sloane did with their vegetables, what Vaughn and Francie did with chocolate and frankfurters, and I will get to taste their food. Guess it’s a good thing I can conjure myself up a Tums and a bathroom ^_^ .

PS: lenafan, hope the relevance that Irina chose the cottage cheese wasn’t lost on you ;)

K. Ackles posted August 30, 2003

:D :D :D Chuckle, chuckle, giggle and snarkfff! I could just see the two of them discussing this.
Excellently done and NO I didn't miss the cottage cheese choice! Personally I would bet Irina has not had time to bake a lasagne for quite awhile.
B)

Chapter 9

“Stop cooking. Stop. DO YOU WANT TO DIE?”

That stopped everyone dead in their tracks.

“Congratulations everyone. Now…let us see how this food actually tastes. Will, bring the forks with you, handsome.”

The first kitchen on Hailey’s list was:

The Green Kitchen
Hailey moved towards Dixon and Alice, and took a fork from Will. Standing in front of her was a delicious looking chicken dish. The presentation was good, but nothing extraordinary. However, she hadn’t exactly given them much to work with, so she shrugged it off. In front of her stood two decent looking people. Very little was smudged on their aprons, and they had done the washing up as well. Dixon stood with his arm around Alice’s shoulder, and Hailey thought they looked like they could have been married. That is, if she could think anything while trying to contain herself. That frilly apron made Marcus look hilarious. She managed to hold back her laughter and sample the dish, which they had chosen to serve with pasta. It was positively amazing!

“5 points for working so well together, 10 for the food itself, 5 for the washing up, and 15 for pure comic looks. That apron is priceless. Please, Marcus, keep it on.”

Moving along, Hailey was in the company of Irina and Doc.

The Purple Kitchen

Standing in front of Hailey was a very messy kitchen, and two middle-aged woman desperately attempting to do the washing up, while wiping their wrists across their foreheads, and wiping something on their aprons. Just by looking, it would take a genius to guess what colour the aprons were originally. And even then the genius would probably get it wrong. However, after the initial disagreement regarding the ingredients, the two of them had gotten on rather well. Somewhere on the counter there was a lasagne. Apparently. Hailey hadn’t seen a trace of it since she had moved to their kitchen.

“Where is your dish ladies?”

“Here it is” Irina had a great big dopey smile on her face, and produced the plate from somewhere behind two large pots. The lasagne wasn’t exactly presented as beautifully as Dixon’s Chicken, but it wasn’t inedible. Hailey dipped her fork into it, chewed it up, and swallowed reluctantly.

“Okay, this isn’t great, but it isn’t crap. 5 points for the food. 10 for seeing past your differences and co-operating. Nothing for presentation, sorry. 5 for trying to suck up to me for doing the washing when I awarded points to the Green Team. By the way, if any of the other teams are trying the same thing, I suggest they stop, because I will not take kindly to people working after the time has run out. Moving on, 10 points for choosing the small curds, and an additional 20 points, just because you are Irina, and I can award points as I see fit. Good day ladies!”

Will sampled the lasagne, and ‘accidentally’ ended up with some tomato sauce on his chest. Seeing this, Hailey promptly went over to Mr. Tippin, and removed the offending piece of food from his chest in whatever way the reader dreams appropriate for their age. In fact, I’ve rated this fic PG-13…time to live up to that. I’m now changing this sentence to be: ‘Upon seeing this, Hailey stalked over to Mr. Tippin, and licked the lasagne of his firm, clean, well-tanned chest. He didn’t pretend to enjoy it. He didn’t need to. Hailey winked at him, and moved on to the next area.’ I enjoy being author. Poor Will had lasagne on him…ooops.

The Pink Kitchen

In front of Hailey now sat two people, arguing. The entire kitchen was clean, except for two mugs, an empty chocolate bar wrapper, and an empty frankfurter package.

“And where would your dish be?”

“What dish? We didn’t make no dish. Am I your maid now. This is a democracy. I don’t have to cook you anything sista, so lay off!”

“This is not a democracy, this is a prison in the Middle East. And the whole point of this was for you to cook something.”

“Look, we didn’t cook anything. We made coffee, and ate hot-dogs.”

“Uh huh. I don’t think so. You’se ate my chocolate when I wasn’t lookin’ you filthy thief!”

“Did not”

“Damn right you did!”

“Enough! Obviously you had coffee together, so you can have 5 points for that. An extra 5 points to Francie for making such brilliant coffee. That is all. Mr. Tippin, do you have anything to add?”

“Yes, I think that somebody should do something about Mike. He isn’t wearing a shirt.”

“I know dear, but neither are you, and the hordes of female readers prefer you, Mike and Mr. Sark without shirts. Who am I to deprive my readers?”

“Agreed. I suppose we should go and see what Eric and Allison came up with.” He punctuated his sentence with a typical Tippin grin, and Hailey couldn’t help but throw another wink in his direction.

The Black Kitchen
“All right. I can see this dish. But where have the chefs gotten to?”

Hailey peered behind the counter, and saw Weiss and Allison making out. It was rather disturbing, considering that Eric was playing with his yo-yo at the same time. Hailey, not wanting to interupt them, took a sip of the wine which sat on the table, and tasted their dish.

“Mmm…10 for the food, 5 for presentation, and 20 points for working so well together. And additional 10 points just for Eric, who has obviously not had a date in over a month. Come, Mr. Tippin, Cool Whip waits for no man…”

The Blue Kitchen

“Mr. Sark, can I please see your dish?”

“Of course.” Sark wiped a lipstick smudge off of his mouth, and attempted to fix his hair. Sydney was nowhere to be seen.

“Where, is Sydney, if I may ask?”

“Here I am!” Sydney had sprung up like a jack-in-the-box from behind the counter. Hailey overlooked the fact that her dress was on backwards.

“Chocolate and oranges. Looks delicious, but ummm…where is the Cool Whip?”

“We...umm…that is…we used it.”

Not wanting to ask any more questions. Hailey awarded them their points.

“10 for using chocolate, 10 for presentation. You have obviously been working well together, 20 points for that. Plus the 5 you had to begin with. Come on Will, let us leave here quickly.”

The Yellow Kitchen

“Here you are ma’am. Macaroni and cheese. I made this once when—“

“MARSHALL!”

“*yipes* Yes sir!”

“Very good macaroni Mr. Flinkman. As to your points. 10 for the meal, 5 for the presentation, 10 for a clean working space. No points for working together though.”

“I think that is highly uncalled for.”

“What would that be Mr. Bristow?”

“Would Marshall and I have gotten more points if we were making out on the counter top? Outrageous. What sort of establishment are you running here?”

“Well, Mr. Bristow, I would have given you more points for that, yes, but you need to start treating Marshall with more respect. And I am running whatever sort of establishment tickles my fancy, but it is not a democracy, so your vote really doesn’t mean anything to me, Mr. Bristow. Good day.”

Hailey turned and left, while Will stayed as close to her and as far from Jack as he could manage.

The Red Kitchen
“What on heaven and earth is that?”

“It’s a salad.” Replied Arvin with a great big evil grin on his face.

Kendal was nowhere to be seen. Peering over the counter, she saw him lying unconscious on the floor.

“What happened to Kendal?”

“He was being disagreeable, so I punched him, and apparently rendered him unconscious. Quite a pity really. What do you think of the salad?”

Hailey looked at the cabbage, artichoke and asparagus salad.

“I’ll take a pass. You can have 5 points for presentation, but I’m taking 15 off just for choosing those things, and then actually trying to create something with them. Ew.”

“Okay everybody, listen up. In the lead is the Purple team, with 50 points, tied second is Black and Blue with 45 each, and at the very bottom is Red, with negative 10! Okay, now back to the cell, and I want each team to have a name by the next task. You have had plenty of time to think about it. Oh not you Will baby, we have work to do, so come here…”

Getting this before AA again...aren't you lot lucky ^_^

Great story. Please post more soon.

Chapter 10

~*~*~ Back in their Cell ~*~*~

“Hey, excuse me, he’s my fiancé. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Actually, as a matter of fact, it doesn’t. Why are you getting so protective anyways? You were making out with Eric behind the counter. Hell-o!”

“Yeah, but we didn’t carry it that far, did we?”

“You guys were screaming and making a lot of noise for ‘nothing’. How were we supposed to know?”

“You know, Eric, these women really are carrying on aren’t they?” Sark and Weiss were watching Allison and Sydney fighting, and Sark was finding it rather amusing.

“Look dude,” started Weiss, “Both those women are fighting over you. I get the back end of the stick again. I’m always left out. None of the women dig me. I have no hope.” Eric shrugged and then looked at Sark, “But I’d watch it if I were you. Women have an uncanny—“ He didn’t finish his sentence. Allison and Sydney had both turned to face Sark, and they were both glowering at him now.

“Tried to warn you dude.” Eric slapped Sark (who was now pale as cappuccino froth) on the back. “Women always find a way to make it the guys fault. Never hover to watch them fight over you, because they always figure out it was your fault to begin with. They leave you, and that’s where the Weiss-ster scores.” Eric straightened his tie for dramatic effect. Actually, he was the only guy there with his tie still on, and one of the ‘unlucky’ few with his shirt still on )PS: If anybody out there wants another guy de-shirted, post it with your review, and I can work it into the script ;) Oh wait, I must mention this though: both Sloane and Kendal have their shirts plastered to their backs. They are not taking their shirts off for as long as I am in charge of writing this fic).

Allison and Sydney started yelling at Sark, who backed himself into a corner. Weiss walked off, with one hand in his pocket, and a yo-yo going on the other.

Meanwhile, some of the teams were doing what they were supposed to be doing, and coming up with names for their teams. In fact, they were coming up with their names together. Weiss walked over and joined them, coming up with names for the other teams. So far, they had named Kendall and Sloane’s team the ‘Red Devils’, Jack and Marshall were tossing around Coldplay (A/N: think of a song from Coldplay’s first album, and maybe you’ll see the connection ;) ), the group had already named Sark and Sydney’s team ‘Blue Jays’ (without their permission, of course), and Irina and Doc had sneakishly agreed on ‘Purple Nurple’, just to make the guys twinge. Their plan was working.

“Okay, so here’s what we are going with now. Dixon and Alice, have you two decided which name you are going to take for your team? ‘Green’bay Packers, or Big Green Giant?”

“I’m not sure, what do you think Alice?”

“I’ve always had a soft spot for football.”

“Okay then. I think we’ll take Packers. Oh, but Eric and Allison should call their team ‘Black Sabbath’.”

“Oooh…I so agree brotha! Diggin’ it!” Francie chipped in.

“Eric, what do you think?”

Not averting his eyes from his yo-yo, or removing his hand from his trouser pocket, he responded to Irina’s question.

“Ozzy was a god in my house. Black Sabbath is the best name I could possibly have come up with. Marcus, you are a genius.” As he voiced this final sentence, he looked up at Dixon, and as a result of this lapse in concentration, his yo-yo ended up tangling around his hand, arm, and head. He spent the rest of the discussion untangling himself.

“Okay, that’s really great,” started Vaughn, “but what about us. What can you do with pink? Nothing.”

“I suggest you just keep it pink.” Responded Jack.

“Just keep it pink? As in P-I-N-K pink? Hell-o? Have you even been paying attention at all?”

“I have been paying fine attention Agent Vaughn. And no, I am not referring to pink, P-I-N-K, I’m referring to pink as in the singer. P-!-N-K. And don’t patronise me ever again, or I will make sure that unpleasant things happen to you in the extremely near future.”

“Wait. Wait, wait. Hold it! Jack, since when did you know anything about P!NK? That doesn’t strike me as a music genre you would be particularly interested in…?”

“Actually, that one song of hers was rather catchy,” and Jack started singing in his beautiful voice, which was smooth and creamy as a good cup of Brazilian coffee.
“Lying here on the floor where you left me,
I think I took too much.
I’m crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun—”

Once Jack had started singing, the entire cell went quiet. Even Sark, Allison and Sydney turned around to see what was making this most beautiful sound. When they saw it was Jack singing, their jaws dropped. Such an edgy song given a classic edge. It was unbelievable.

Hailey was getting tired of the noise. She still had paper work to do. Running a maximum-security prison in the Middle East isn’t as easy as it seems, and the satellite bill was ridiculous! Surely pay-per-view hadn’t amounted to that much. She was getting quite a headache, and was on the verge of ordering everyone killed, when everything went silent. At first, she was thankful, and then she was curious as to what had shut everyone up. She rose from her chair, and woke Will, who was asleep on the bed. Putting a finger to her lips, she motioned towards the door, and went out. Will followed behind her.

As the two of them neared the cell, they heard singing. Identifiable as a man’s voice at first, they drew nearer. Before they turned the corner and came out in front of the cell, Hailey heard what sounded like the chorus, and her ears honed in it.

“Where I can run, just as fast as I can,
To the middle of nowhere,
To the middle of my frustrated fears,
and I swear you’re just like a pill,
Instead of making me better,
You keep making me ill,
You keep making me ill.”

The cell burst into applause. Hailey, not wanting to announce her presence, turned and returned to her office with Will.

“Will, can you please ask my building crew to clear out the lobby. I have a much better idea. Jack Bristow has inspired me. I promise to reward you for your efforts.”

And with that, she returned to the paper work.

A/N: So what did y’all think? What is Hailey going to do with them now…uh oh…they better be very careful with themselves…

PLEASE READ AND REVIEW MY FIC! AGAIN WITH THE WITHERING AWAY AND DYING THING!

This is the vraziest thing I have read in a while

i love it

i don't exactly know why JJ would be in tears LOL

but maybe that is why it is so damn funny

jack singing is plausible but PINK LOL LOL LOL

brenda

brenda_wood Posted on Sep 5 2003, 04:47 PM

Yeah, Victor Garber has a great voice whether singing, or being Jack Bristow.
Saw him do The Music Man. :lol:
Anyway., I have to agree with Brenda...you are crazy, funny and cool. I also :D :D :D .
Purple nurple- where did you get that rhyme? :wacko:
The color of cappuccino froth? giving in to your addiction, are we?
B)

I know Jack can sing, but I thought, let's give him something unconventional to sing, and that's what I gave him! I thought, of Pink when I heard it on the radio, and it worked well, don't you think :)

Cappuccino froth>>>why hide my obssession :) It's more fun out in the open ;)

Purple Nurple>>>What I call it when you twist a guys nipple :) Thought it was appropriate for a pair of woman who kick ass!!!

Later...new chapter coming :)

Question: Which songs would you like to see each character singing and why?

A/N: Sorry this has been so long coming…but I hope it was worth it! The mobs of people can now disperse the eleventh chapter is here!

Chapter 11:

Everyone was arguing, again. However, when Hailey walked out in front of the cell, and stood before them, they fell silent, and very quickly at that. They seemed to be learning that Hailey was very short on patience, and very long on violence. This pleased her immensely, even though she wished they would stop arguing so damn much. For a group of people who were supposed to be protecting the USA, they were pretty lousy at getting along. Of course, not all of them were assigned to that particular task, but a good lot of them were.

They all looked at her expectantly. She stood there for a while, and sneered at them, before turning to Mr. Tippin, who was standing next to her.

"Tippy babe, give them the paper, will you." Hailey blew a kiss at him as he did so. "You’re a star." And she winked at him. Hailey then turned to face the prisoners again.

"Okay, Mr. Tippin has just given you a list of songs, and their lyrics. You have exactly one hour to choose your lyrics, and in your pairs you will perform the song you have chosen. The rules are as follows:

One, each member has to sing approximately the same amount as the other. If you sing simultaneously, share parts, or sing the song twice separately, I don’t care, but every single one of you will sing.

Two, one song per group. No sharing songs between teams.

Three, you don’t have to learn the lyrics, although you may if you wish. The lyrics are simply there as a guide for you to use when you break down the song between you. There will be prompts for you.

Four, I expect nothing of you except for what rules I have laid down. Feel free to mess with each others minds, I really don’t care, I’m soundproofing my office today at any rate.

"Moving along, have you chosen your team names yet? I would like to get the score board made today, so you can gloat over who has the most points. Give the names of your teams to Mr. Tippin, and I shall be we shall be on our way. You have until I return to choose your songs. Begin."

Will moved towards the cell, and was talking with his old friends, telling them how well Hailey was treating him, and how much he was enjoying his time, and how the two of them were really ‘hitting it off’ *winkwink*. He then took down the names of the teams, flinching as Doc and Irina shouted Purple Nurple as loud as they could manage. Will then returned to Hailey’s office. She had managed to secure more Whip-Cream-In-A-Can from the kitchen, so he scampered off to meet her.

~*~*~* Back at the Cell *~*~*~

Irina picked up the first paper Will had given them. They had chatted with him for close on three quarters of an hour, and now had only fifteen minutes to choose and semi-learn their songs.

"Okay people, here are the song choices. I’ll read them first time round so you know what they are, second time around we’ll choose. So this is what we have:
Summer Nights, from Grease, original sung by John Travolta and Olivia Newton John
I Will Survive from Diana Ross
YMCA from the Village People
Nancy Sinatra and These Boots are Made for Walking
I Love Rock N Roll, the Joan Jett and the Blackhearts version
Wild Thing by the Troggs
The Beatles’ Twist and Shout
Love Shack from the B-52s
Man I Feel Like a Woman, Shania Twain,
and Steppenwolf’s Born to be Wild.
Okay, and again:

Summer Nights…okay, Eric, Allison…going once…going twice—"

"We want it!"

"Okay Blue and Black in line for the Grease song. We’ll come back to that.

"I Will Survive…anybody…"

"We’ll take it!" Sloane seemed a little keen on having that song.

"I don’t think so!" Kendal roared back.

"But…I like that song…"

"Okay boys, we don’t have time for your stupid fights. Lets see if you want something else. YMCA? Anybody?"

"YES!" Arvin and Kendal both shouted at the same time, and then looked embarrassed. Not only because they both liked the song, but also because they had both unwittingly admitted to liking the same song.

"Anybody else? No other takers? Okay, Red Devils have YMCA. Take your lyrics, and leave the rest of us alone. Nancy Sinatra? Okay Doc, are you sure you don’t want Shania though? You’re very sure…well let’s take a vote then. Who thinks we should sing Shania Twain’s Man I Feel Like a Woman? Two people. Thanks Syd, Jack, your support is well received. And Who votes for ‘Boots’? ten votes. Shania Twain it is."

"But everybody voted for Boots! It was a democratic vote!"

"Well, this is not a democracy, this is a prison, so that’s really just too damn bad. We’re singing Shania. Get the lyrics. Anybody else want Boots?"

"Oh yeah, we’ll have it!" Francie was waving her arms and jumping up and down. Vaughn had had more than enough of Francie by this point.

"I AM NOT SINGING THAT SONG!" He yelled across the room.

"Why the hell not?" Francie yelled back at him.

"WHY NOT! WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY NOT? IT’S A SONG ABOUT FEMALE EMPOWERMENT AND ALL THAT OTHER CRAP, AND I DON’T WANT TO BE FORCED TO SING A SONG ABOUT THAT! NO WAY ON THIS PLANET! NEVER!"

"All right, break it up Pink team. I’ll scratch it off the list, since I don’t think any of these teams with men will be interested in singing it. I Love Rock n Roll? Who wants that?"

Weiss and Allison put their hands in the air, but when they saw that Jack had voted for that song and was now glaring them down, they promptly put their hands down, and Eric yelled, "Senior Agent Bristow can have it!" It wouldn’t take a trained ear to know that he had squeaked that. Jack smiled, and grinned at his wife, who wrote them next to the song.

"Take your lyrics, and work on the song. Wild Thing?"

"We’ll take that. Forget that wussy prat." Francie obviously wanted that song quite a bit more than the other one. Vaughn wasn’t about to argue…it wasn’t about killing men and making them suffer, it wasn’t about love, and it wasn’t a ballad. In his eyes it didn’t get better than that. Irina wrote them down.

"Very good. Okay, who wants Twist and Shout, the Beatles song?"

So there was something better in his eyes. Truthfully, Vaughn wanted that song more than Wild Thing, but he wasn’t going to try and sway Francie’s vote. Dixon and Alice put up their hands for that one, and nobody tried to take it from them. Irina wrote that down as well.

"Okay, now we only have one song left really, and two teams wanting the same song. So Weiss, Allison, since you wanted the song first, you can have it. Sark, Syd, you can have ‘Love Shack’."

"But mum! I voted to help you! It isn’t fair! I wanna sing that song with Sarky."

"I’m sorry sweetie, but it doesn’t work that way."

"Mummmmmmy…"

"I’m sorry Syd, but you heard what I said earlier. This isn’t a democracy, and since I am capable of killing everybody in here with my bare hands, what I say goes, okay."

"Yes Mum." And she sulked off with Sark to divide their song into parts.

~*~*~* In Hailey’s Office *~*~*~

Sorry for the inconvenience, but this scene has been cut, as it does not conform to the writer’s PG13. Again, we apologise for any inconvenience.

~*~*~* A little bit more than an hour later *~*~*~

"Okay everybody, this way please."

Hailey swung open the cell door and, with a big grin on her face, proceeded to lead them down to the foyer.

"Do you think we should tell her that her shirt is on backwards?" Eric asked Irina.

"Nah, just leave it."

====================

A/N: What do you think :D I’ll try and write you more soon and post it ASAP!

:D :D :D :reallyexcited: :reallyexcited: I don't know if I'm ready for this or not because the visuals I'm getting from this chapter are too much for a Sunday morning..

not FEEL like a woman?

OMG, it sounds like a dog's name! How about Sweetcakes, Lover Boy... :wub:

Sounds like a doggy to me...(she giggles), but the visual is terrific. Where will you start, top, bottom or middle? :P

You got that one right! :ph43r:

:blush01: Oh my, this made me :roll:

B)

Glad you liked it...the picture I'm painting of Will is that he is like a dog at Kailey's erm...Hailey's beck and call. I like lover boy though...I'll use that nect

Fixed the SHania Twain song...although that is a funny title...

We'll start at the top ;)

You read that quick! I didn't even post it half an hour ago!

Ohmy god

this is the funniest thing I have ever had the pleasure of reading

trying ot pciture any of these characters doing any of this has me needing


MORE


keep it coming you crazy woman you

Brenda
and wahtever it is you are drinikng, taking whatever- to inspire you in this way- send some my way

LOL

brenda_wood Posted on Sep 15 2003, 03:32 PM

I think she probably has a still some place close by.
B)

Hahaha! What am I taking...nothing in particular, I'm just really loopy! Although, I am rather fond of vodka, but being under age, I didn't just say that! :lol: Here's the next chapter, hope you like! The chapter after this is ready, but I wanna see what you think of this one first :P
Chapter 12:

“Have I mentioned that I hate karaoke?” Vaughn said for the hundredth time, as they walked down to the foyer.

“YES! You mentioned it! Now shut the hell up before I ask Irina to beat the crap outta you.” Francie was not exactly liking Vaughn right now.

“She wouldn’t do that. Not without a reason.”

“Are you kidding? I got lotsa reason. Like Sydney, for instance.”

“I have never done anything to Sydney! Whatever you plan on telling her would be a lie!”

“So? I never said I would tell her the truth, did I? So shut the hell up and keep walking.”

“Okay everybody, here we are. Hope you’re ready! Any questions before we start?”

“Yes. I um…I ah…that is—“

“MARSHALL!”

“Eep! Your shirt is backwards Miss Snackles Ma’am.”

“Thank you Marshall, but I don’t plan on wearing it much longer anyway. Any questions relating to the competition? I will be awarding points as before, so make sure this is good. I hope to be entertained. Here is the order you will be performing in. If you object, talk to Mr. Tippin. That is all.”

Looking around everyone realised they were in a replica of a really cheesy karaoke bar. A really cheesy bar. It was like…a Tiki Room. There were eight tables around a stage, which had a TV in on it, facing the stage. A man behind a keyboard was off to the side of the stage. There were two chairs at each table. On each of the tables there was a small candle, and eight pina coladas. Not only did Hailey want to make them sing, she wanted to make them drunk. It was going to be an interesting evening. Outside the foyer was dark, and the only light came from the candles and the lights around the walls.

“Okay, you will see that each table has a different coloured tablecloth. Sit at the table with the tablecloth of your colour. Sit, chill, mingle, I’ll be sitting over there—she indicated to a table at centre stage—if you need anything, or have any questions. Go.”

And everybody started talking, drinking, and having a good time. Kendal and Sloane were having another stupid argument and drinking, Irina and Jack were talking in hushed voices, Marshall was talking to Eric about the geometrical trajectories of his yo-yo. Allison, Syd, Francie and Alice were having a real girls night out, and getting exceptionally drunk, while scoping out the guys. It came to light that Alice thought Marshall was kinda cute, Allison actually liked Vaughn, Sydney liked Weiss, and Francie was diggin the evil vibe Sark was sending out as he and Vaughn had a very loud discussion over who had done more Manly things for their agencies. So far Sark was winning 5 to 2. The rest of the people were simply sitting at their tables drinking, or should I say, stealing everyone else’s drinks.

When Hailey was satisfied that everybody was suitably drunk, she called for silence. It took it’s time in coming. They had obviously forgotten about her short on patience thing. Oh well, she received a supportive glance from Will, and began to speak,

“Take you seats please everyone. Seats. Oh sit down and shut up already! Lover Boy, show’em to their seats please. You’re a god *mwah*

All right. The pre-determined order has made it so that the Red Devils are first, and they will be singing their version of YMCA.”

Hailey left the stage, and Arvin and Kendal took her place, each holding onto a mike.

“Good evening everyone,” Arvin said, swaying all over the stage, and holding onto Kendal for support. “We will be singing YMCA 1…2…3…”

The music started and they began to ‘sing’. It was the most painful thing anybody had ever heard, and with Arvin hanging off Kendal, and Kendal leaning on his mike stand, it was like some drunken rendition of frogs croaking. The identifiable portion of the song was when they stopped singing, and only the background music could be heard. During the first batch of ‘Y-M-C-A’s’ Arvin attempted to do the arm gestures, and simply collapsed onto Irina’s table. Doc picked the candle up off the table, and Irina tipped it over, dropping Arvin on the floor. The music continued to play on, even though the singing had stopped. Hailey stood up, and started applauding.

“Congratulations, not much singing involved there, but most entertaining, and really in the spirit of karaoke! 15 points for the Devils, and an extra 5 points to Purple Nurple for dealing with Arvin so calmly and efficiently!

“Okay then, Tippy, please carry this unconscious lump of human flesh back to his seat. Thanks babe, you’ll be rewarded for that.” And she winked at him before carrying on:
“Next up we have Eric and Allison singing Summer Lovin! Up on stage please you two. Take it away.”

Hailey went back to her seat, and the music started. Weiss and Allison then started, and they shared the first two lines.

”Summer lovin, had me a blast
Summer lovin, happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me.
I met a boy, cute as can be.”

Huh? Everyone in the audience gave the two on stage a funny look, and not just because Eric was still playing with his yo-yo. Weiss, although singing Danny’s part, had a very high pitched voice, and Allison had a much deeper voice, so it sounded as if Sandy were singing Danny’s piece, and Danny singing Sandy’s. They both seemed to realise this, because they changed parts on each other, so Allison was singing Danny, and Weiss was singing Sandy. Although it sounded much better, it was still a little odd to see a big man singing so high. However, both were singing brilliantly, it was just the visuals which threw you off.

By the end of the performance, nobody was looking at them, they were concentrating on the vocals. So, when these stopped suddenly in the midst of the line ”summer fling don’t mean a thing.” everybody looked up to see why. And did they ever see why. Eric and Allison had been getting closer and closer to each other, and soon they couldn’t take it, to the point where they started kissing in the middle of the song…slowly at first, and then more passionately.

“What do you think you’re trying to pull!?!?!” Sark was less than impressed. He tried to jump out of his chair, Sydney yanked him back. If it had been anybody else, Sark would have been able to break free, but Sydney kept a firm hold on his arm, and put him back in his place…literally.

“We’ll get them back, don’t worry Sarky.” And Syd leaned over the table and gave him a peck on the cheek, which placated him for a bit.

Hailey jumped up on stage, and pulled Eric and Allison apart, while pushing them off the stage.

“Okay, that’s lovely, it really is, but I think we all need a break. After seeing that, I think I’m going to be sick. 5 points for Black Sabbath. Come on Lover Boy, maybe you can help me hold this down.”

And Hailey walked out of the room, Will Tippin in tow.

A/N: Additional disclaimer: I don’t own any of these songs. Well, actually, I have them all on CD/Tape/Record, but I don’t own the rights or whatever legal terms you lawyers out there use these days. The point is, there is no point in suing me, because I don’t own anything. No, not even this computer is mine, it belongs to the school, my friends and my parents. So there :P That was just in case, because these music people are getting extremely stuffy these days.

Cripes, I just lost a ton of remarks I'd made on this funny piece. #1 technically challenged idiot that I am. :rolleyes:

I'd watch this. When I began to drink it was gin and vodka, sometimes in two different mixed drinks...let me tell you the morning after can be rough. :wacko:

You might want to add on into that sentence, I think! :)

Talking about Sydney, Hailey or their lost love? :wub:

Doc and Irina make a good team, but only 5 points! Look how well they dealt with Mr. Evil Devil here.
:wave:

Ah, the Bristows really have raised a great daughter. She can handle anyone at any time, except maybe her mother and possibly, Jack. <_<

Off, no doubt, for a quick fling. :wub: :blush01:
Good job, Kailey. The visuals are pretty good, although it would be interesting to see Arvin Sloan drunk on the show. :blink:

LOL

this makes me absolutley crazy

keep it comimg miss underage
how old are you or will you never tell

do you really love in canada

I am inlondon Ontario
born in Montreal grew up in ottawa came to London for school



I am 33

Brenda

I'm 16. :) I don't live in Canada at the moment, I'm living in South Africa, but I am Canadian, and I lived there for 10 years, and I plan to work in Toronto. But on with the story!

Chapter 13:

“Okay everybody, now that we’ve finished that, shall we continue on with this task? Very good.”

Hailey had a very big smile on her face, and was leading Will back to the table by the hand. Mr. Tippin had a dopey look on his face as well. (Veeeeeery suspicious…)

Looking at this, Eric leaned over his chair and whispered to Irina, who was sitting behind him,

“Do you notice that her shirt is going the right way round again.”

“Yes. See, told you it didn’t matter if we filled her in.”

“Right-eo. Whose turn is it now,” Hailey looked down and checked her list. “Ah yes, P!NK, it’s your turn. Vaughn. Francie. Stage.”

“A’ight. C’mon Vaughny boy, let’s go sing now!” Francie jumped out of her chair, and walked towards the stage. However, she was so out of it from all those drinks, she was only vaguely pointed in the right direction, and at some point, she even had her back facing the stage. Vaughn was also plastered, but he was one of the very lucky people who can still function like this. So he got out of his chair, took hold of Francie’s arm, and re-oriented her.

Leading her towards the stage, he passed Syd and planted a kiss on her forehead, prompting Sark to jump out of his chair again. Before he could say anything though, Syd had sat him back down. Eric was snickering while he sat at the next table over. He thought that it was the most hilarious thing in the world to see Sark get jealous of every guy in the room, when he couldn’t choose which of the girls he wanted to be with.
“Unbelievable,” muttered Weiss, and he continued turning tricks with his yo-yo.

Francie and Vaughn took their mikes out of their stands. Vaughn kept hold of his stand to steady himself, whereas Francie took hers out, and almost fell over in the process. She then stood up straight again, but started swaying back and forth quite a bit. Vaughn started the song. The pianist had picked up a little ukulele, and was now strumming along the tune to ‘Wild Thing’. Vaughn’s voice wasn’t much, but he seemed to be speaking more than singing. So, he spoke the first lines:

“Wild thing bom bing bom pa,
You make my heart sing, ta ding ding ding pa—“

Francie interrupted him, but the ukulele kept playing,
“Vaughn what are you doing?”

“I was singing Wild Thing with this guy on his ukulele.”

“I thought we agreed that Sark could play the drums on this one?”

“Yeah okay, sure.”

Sark jumped out of his chair, and before Sydney could grab hold of him, he had pulled back the curtain behind the stage, revealing a set of band equipment, complete with drums, amps, and a guitar. As he leapt behind the drums and picked up the drum sticks, Francie picked up the black and white electric guitar. The poor pianist, who had kept the ukulele going all this time, was starting to look worried. Sark started jamming behind the drum kit, prompting a “YIPES!” from Vaughn.

Francie slung the guitar over her shoulder, grabbed the pick, and started singing. Her voice was well suited to the song, being reminiscent of something like Debbie Harry* or Courtney Love*

“Wild thing…You make my heart sing…”
“Heart sing!” Sark had chipped in his own little bit. (*these bits will now be shown in blue*)
“You make everything groovy…
Wild thing.”

“Wild thing ”

“Wild thing, I think I love you…”

“Oh yeah ”

“But I wanna know for sure. ”

“Uh huh uh huh! ”

“C’mon, hold me tight”

“tight. ”

“I love you. ”

“Ooh ah huh.”

Vaughn had been standing to the side watching this the whole time, and was becoming very annoyed. Before they could continue any further, he grabbed the ukulele from Mr. Piano Man, stormed over to the amp, unplugged it, and started strumming while he sang.

“Wild thing, pong ping ding da”

Francie crept over to the amp while Vaughn was singing, and had plugged it in. She then crept back over to her mike stand.

“What?!?!?”

“See we were just going to sing a nice quiet version of wild thing.”

“ROCK IT!!!! ROCK IT!!!!”

“Sure!” said Francie, followed by a “YIPES!” from Vaughn. Francie started again,

“Wild thing…”

“Yeah, ”

“You make my heart sing. ”

“heart sing ”

“You make everything groov—“

“Groovy! ”

“Wild thing…”

“INSTRUMENTAL!” Sark started beating away at the drums, and Francie followed suit, hammering away at her guitar. Right in the middle of the instrumental Sark starts screaming: “DRUMS! LOVE DRUMS!” The instrumental came to a close, and Francie started singing again,

“Wild thing…I think you move me…”

“Move mah! ”

“But I wanna know for sure…”

“Uh huh uh huh ”

“C’mon, hold me tight. ”

“Yeah tight ”

*Vaughn starts tapping his toes and plucking away on the Ukulele with Francie*

“You move me”

“Uh oh uh yeah…
WILD THING!!!”

“You know, this is pretty good, really,” said Mike, as he gets into the groove with the ukulele. Then both of them sang together.

“Wild Thing! Oh yeah.”
“Drums! ”
“You make my heart sing”
“Drums drums drums ”
“You make everything groovy. Groovy. ”
“Love Drums! ”
“Wild thing”
“WILD THING! Shake it shake it shake it wild thing! ”
“(Francie)Shake it shake it wild thing. ”
“ROCKING!!!!!
WILD THING WILD THING!!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!! ”

Sark proceeded to beat the drums until he turned completely blue in the face, and finally stopped, falling off of the chair. Vaughn and Francie ran over and picked him up. He grabbed hold of their shoulders, and they all walked to the front of the stage and took a bow. Vaughn and Francie then took Sark to his seat (or tried really, for as drunk as they were. They succeeded eventually though), and sat down in their table. Hailey stood up, and looked towards them, seated at the table.

“A brilliant rendition of Wild Thing, but I would have preferred Agent Vaughn to have played a larger role in the performance. Ah, who am I kidding. 20 points for rocking it out like that, and a bonus 10 for not letting Vaughn sing. And I guess it was supposed to be a team exercise, but just for working so well between groups or something or other, Blue Jays can have 10 points as well. Lovely. I need another Drink. Tippy baby, pass the Smirnoff*.

Thanks babe. I think we need another break after that performance. Come on Lover Boy, let’s umm…erm…get more drinks! Yeah that’s it. Get drinks.”

And Hailey walked out of the room, with Tippin in tow.

A/N:I don’t own Courtney Love or Debbie Harry, all of which are marked with an asterix (*). I got the idea for Wild Thing from a Muppets CD I have. I thought it would have been funny, and I think it worked, but tell me what you think of it! Oh, and duh, I don’t own the songs, but see the disclaimer at the end of Chapter12.

K. Ackles Posted on Sep 18 2003, 11:52 PM

Ah young love :wub: Will is probably having a "wild time" too with Hailey. :wacko:

And she put her shirt back on the right way. :)

I think I'd take out the "had" :)

Me thinks Hailey will end up getting smashed too! Is she going to show her teams just how good she is behind the mike? :huh:

A/N: Before you begin it is my duty to tell you that this chapter is twice as long as the chapters previously, so I have two (revised: three) things to say:
One. Make sure you have lots of spare time, and be sure to laugh quietly, so you don’t alarm the people around you.
Two. I expect double the reviews for double the story, so R/R!!!!
Three (revised). I have divided the chapter into two parts. I have also named the chapters now. The other two things still apply.

Chapter 14, Part I
I Don’t Want Your Pants!

During the interval, Irina and Sydney got together, and were talking in hushed voices. Francie was attempting to revive Sark, and Alice was talking to Mike. Eric had pulled two extra yo-yos out of his pockets, and was teaching Jack and Dixon some of the tricks he knew. They could barely flick the yo-yo properly, so he had to teach them that first. It wasn’t as if he minded though. He enjoyed passing on the methods of this art to his friends. Well, he considered them friends. Eric didn’t get out of the office much. Sloane was still lying on the floor, next to the Purple table, unconscious. Kendal was sitting in his chair at the Red Devil table, head hung over onto his chest, arms by his side, sleeping. Marshall was talking to Doc, who was an amazing listener (A/N: Maybe because she is a qualified listener ;) ). Allison was making good use of her spy training and was ‘extracting’ pina coladas from the other tables, and finishing them off. (A/N: Hi, my name is Allison, and I’m an alcoholic.) So far she had found four, and she hadn’t even gotten past the fourth table.

Hailey and Will then entered the room, and sat down at their table. The two were speaking in hushed voices for a while, when Hailey stood up. She looked around her table for an empty glass, but a quick glance around the room revealed that they were all on Black Sabbath’s table. Not to be deterred, Hailey simply yelled,

“ATTENTION PLEASE!!!!” When she had everyone’s (somewhat divided) attention, she continued.

“Thank you. I apologise for all of the recent intermissions, and promise there will be no more interruptions until you have all finished your songs. I realise that you also have lives, although not extensive lives, as you are still stuck in the cell. Therefore, we shall do the remaining three songs without breaks in between. In this way, you will also be able to get some rest before the next challenge in two days. And that brings us to the Green Bay Packers. The stage is all yours.”

Hailey bowed politely, and sat back down, taking Tippin’s hand into her own.

Alice walked on stage, took her mike out of it’s stand, and waited for Dixon to untangle himself from the yo-yo. After doing so, he ran up, apologised to her with a peck on the cheek, and took his mike out of the stand. Neither of them were even half as inebriated as the others, and as such, were fully functional. The pianist started, and the two of them were really in a groove, singing The Beatles ‘Twist and Shout’. Marcus sang it with soul, while Alice brought a more feminine quality to it. Neither one of them were particularly gifted singers, but they managed to pull off a very passionate rendition of the song. Marcus sang the main vocals, and Alice sang ‘back-up’, if it can be called that (because really, Alice sang just as much and just as loudly as Marcus). After the song, Alice and Dixon took a bow, and returned to their seats.

“Bravo you two. An amazing job, well worked, very passionate, 15 points. Well done. Next up we have the Blue Jays singing ‘Love Shack’ by the B-52’s (A/N: I may be 16, but I know and love this song. Not all of us are ignorant!) Get up there and SING!”

Sydney walked up on stage, and took her mike. She then realised that she was alone on the stage, and returned her mike to the stand before angrily stomping off the stage, and going over to her table. And there was Sark, passed out, head on table, snoring. Normal Sydney would have had patience. Drunk Sydney picked Sark’s head up off the table by his hair, slapped her hand across his face until he stirred, and pulled him up to the stage by his ear. A small whisper of ‘I taught her that’ was heard from the crowd. Sydney proceeded to place Sark in front of the mike, and leaned him on the stand. When he toppled over (prevented from hitting the floor only by Sydney’s quick reflexes), she called her mum up onto the stage to hold him upright, while she went over to the bar. She then returned the stage, and stuck a massive chunk of ice into Sark’s pants. That woke him up pretty damn quick. He jumped up and shoved his hands into his pants, trying to get the ice out, while screaming bloody murder in a high pitched girly shriek. By the time he found where the ice was, it had melted, and he was left with a wet patch, which made him look as though he had peed in his pants.

“You are worse than my mother! She only stuck the ice down my shirt! You are going to regret doing that.”

“I don’t want in your pants at the moment Sark, I want to sing this song, get some points and win this competition. I want to go home. I want to live in my house. And I repeat, I don’t want in your pants!”

“Fine. But you say that like it’s such a bad thing. There is nothing wrong with my pants.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your pants, that I agree with. It’s what’s in your pants that’ lacking.”

“Burn b****, burn!” shouted Francie from the crowd.

“That was really low Sydney. I didn’t think you would ever stoop that low.” Replied Sark. He was pouting, and looking dejected. “Can we just sing the song please.”

“Yes, we can. Mr. Pianist, start the music.”

Neither Sydney nor Sark seemed very in step with the song, and to begin with, they were only speaking the words. You can only imagine how exciting it would be to hear to adults say, in the blandest of voices, “If you see a faded sign at the side of the road—“ Anybody listening would have thought they were tortured into reading the prompts. That’s absolute rubbish of course, because Hailey was only going to torture them if they failed to go along with the plan. But then something happened to change that. As they were speaking “…at the side of the road that says fifteen miles to the—“ The entire crowd jumped into the song and yelled “LOVE SHACK!”

Sydney responded to this positive energy by actually singing.

“I’m headin’ down the Atlanta Highway, lookin’ for the love getaway, heading for the love getaway.”

Sark responded to Sydney’s singing by singing as well.

“I got me a car, it’s as big as a whale, and I’m headin’ on down to the—“

“LOVE SHACK!” The audience were really getting into the groove, and Sydney was feeding off of the energy, with Sark, in turn, feeding off of her energy.

“I bought me a Chrysler, it seats about twenty, so hurry up and bring your jukebox money.”

Then the two of them sang the chorus together, and it was a powerful and awesome chorus, with the audience singing along. They carried on in this manor, becoming more and more passionate, until they were dancing around each other, and looking into each other’s eyes. It wasn’t a romantic look, and it wasn’t a look of hatred. They were looking at each other as though this was a competition, and they were against each other, like lions inching towards the kill. Their performance became even more extreme, and with a still drunk Sydney dancing around the stage with Sark, and a stoned-looking Sark dancing around the stage with Sydney. They weren’t dancing together, and every time Sydney pulled off a stunt, Sark tried something even more extravagant. The performance become more heated, and more passionate, and by the time the climax came, the two were about ready to strip each other, and probably would have done it if Mike and Allison weren’t there to yank them off stage, and drag them back to their tables.

Hailey stood.

“That was definitely an interesting take on ‘Love Shack’, and you put lots of passion into your performance. However, I don’t think that this is really that sort of song, but I suppose it’s up to you how you interpret it. I’m going to give your team 20 points. I’m also giving Vaughn and Allison five points each for stopping the two of them, and thus saving us the ‘pleasure’ of seeing two piss-drunk people rip each other’s clothes off. It was most appreciated.”

K. Ackles Posted on Oct 7 2003, 03:19 AM

Now really that is a low blow. :( I'm sure the Sark shippers out there might hunt you down and ummm, well maybe hit you. :angry: Good thing you live far, far away.
So Doc and Irina haven't given their song yet? Next chapter I hope.
BTW when you wrote somethings in color, because of the black background I very nearly could not make out what you said. Either write in white or complain. :(
B)

LOL

I am really loving this crazy story and am wondering where they will all go next and how exactly this is celebrating Irina's birthday LOL

can't wait for more

Brenda

:lol: That was supposed to be a low blow Lenafan! :lol: It was vicous though! :lol: Shame, he gets his recognition in chapter 15! It's not really celebrating Irina's b-day anymore though is it! :lol: It's just a bunch of off the wall ALias characters!

Chapter 14, Part II
The Spy Family Band

“Next up we have Jack and Marshall singing ‘I Love Rock N Roll’ by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Take it away.”

Marshall and Jack walked up onto the stage. Jack took hold of his mike. Marshall picked up his mike, and tapped on it while saying ‘Testing, testing.’ Jack, who is not a patient man, barked at him, forcing the poor guy to jump and drop his mike. Marshall bent over to pick it up, and Jack signalled to the pianist. However, the pianist didn’t start playing the music, but simply stood up, walked over to the curtain, and opened it. Upon opening the curtain, he revealed all of the equipment seen when P!NK had performed, with one major difference. There were already people behind the instruments. Irina had taken up drums, and Syd had grabbed hold of the bass guitar. Jack picked up the lead guitar, and started jamming away with it. Marshall, who was obviously not expecting this, looked at Jack with his jaw dropped and his eyes bulging out of his head.

Irina started thumping away at the drum kit, and Syd had a real groove going with the bass. They had played the opening riff three times before Jack screamed “MARSHALL!” over the sound. Marshall jumped, of course, and started the song. His voice left a lot to be desired. It wasn’t awfully screechy, but he was so nervous he introduced an unreal amount of vibrato. However, when he eased up a little, he started really getting into the groove. Jack was stalking away on the stage with his guitar, and he took over the chorus from Marshall. He was every bit a rock star, and was really enjoying the song. While the song was going on, he and Marshall were equals. Actually, Marshall had the main lead of the song, Jack simply sung the chorus. The instruments were in perfect harmony with each other, and everyone was having a good time. When the song came to a halt (after both a guitar and a drum solo) Marshall screamed into his microphone,

“Put your hands together for the Spy Family Band everybody!”

Laura stepped out from behind the drum kit, Jack put his arms around hers and Sydney’s shoulders, and the Spy Family Band took a bow while the applause died down. They then all went back to their seats. Marshall was the last one on the stage, and he decided to seize the moment as it presented itself. He went and placed his mike in the stand, and picked up the guitar, which was leaning against the amp.

“GOODEVENING KASHMIR!!!” Marshall shouted into the mike, while putting his heavy metal devil horns into the air.

“MARSHALL!!!!” Jack screamed at him.

This brought him to his senses, and he yelped, while placing the guitar on the amp, and running back over to the Coldplay table, and sitting down next to Jack.

“Neat-o!” called Hailey as she stood up. “That was amazing! I loved it! 30 points for Coldplay, and 10 points each for the other members of the Spy Family! Okay then, last but not least we have Purple Nurple with ‘Man! I feel like a woman!’ originally by Shania Twain. Take it away ladies.”

The tune started, and Irina had the opening lines.

“I’m going out tonight, I’m feeling all right, Gonna let it all hang out.”

She managed to get the country nicely, for somebody who hadn’t grown up with country music like Doc had. Irina had a powerful voice, as one would expect of her. Doc took the next lines.

“Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice, Yeah I wanna scream and shout.”

Doc’s voice had more of a country twang to it, but she grew up with the likes of Willie Nelson, and had had a crush on Garth Brooks since he released his first album. Both women sung the song as if it was their personal anthem, and the passion they threw into it was amazing. They also had a bit of a dance routine going, and it was something else to watch. They each had their own lines, and then doubled up on the chorus, doubling the volume. It went something like this (shared parts in black, Irina in bold purple, Doc italicised purple):

“I’m going out tonight, I’m feeling all right
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice
Yeah I wanna scream and shout

No inhibitions, make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain’t gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good time

The best thing about being a woman
is the perogative to have a little fun and…

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy,
forget I’m a lady,
Men’s shirts, short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild
yeah doin it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,
feel the attraction
colour my hair,
do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free
yeah to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

The girls need a break,
tonight we’re gonna take
the chance to get out on the town
We don’t need romance,
we only wanna dance
We’re gonna let our hair hand down

The best thing about being a woman
is the perogative to have a little fun and…

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy,
forget I’m a lady,
Men’s shirts, short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild
yeah doin it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,
feel the attraction
colour my hair,
do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free
yeah to feel the way I feel

Man! I feel like a woman!

The best thing about being a woman
is the perogative to have a little fun and…

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy,
forget I’m a lady,
Men’s shirts, short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild
yeah doin it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action,
feel the attraction
colour my hair,
do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free
yeah to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

[color=purple]I get totally crazy
Can you feel it
Come on, come, come on baby
I feel like a woman!”

The song finished with a pose, and both ladies looked Hailey straight in the eyes.

“Now that,” started Hailey, “was a performance to rival Mrs. Twain’s own version. It was spectacular, inspiring and well thought out. As a result of this, and your combined efforts throughout the evenings competition, I award your team 30 points! Congratulations!

“And the final standings points-wise, if I have added them up correctly:
[color=red]Red Devils with 5, [color=pink]P!NK with 45, [color=green]Green Bay Packers with 50, Then tied for second place it’s, [color=blue]The Blue Jays, [color=orange]Coldplay and [color=black]Black Sabbath with 55 points each, and in first place we have [color=purple]Purple Nurple with an amazing 95 points! Well done.

“Now, for something new. Mr Tippin. On Stage! We have a song to sing!!!”

“Miss Snackles, babe, I think you’re slight;y knackered.”

“Nonesense Lover Boy, I’m absolutely smashing! Smashing. Hehehe…You’re right Tippy. I’ve outdone myself this time. Now let us sing!”

“I think you should step off the stage, and sleep it off.”

“Oh come now Tippy baby. It’s ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings, and I am fat, and I am going to sing!”

“Hailey, you are hardly fat. Now step off the stage before you hurt yourself.”

“Don’t patronise me Mr. Tippin. I am in charge here! I can stand on my own two feet!”

“I’m sure you can Miss Snackles. However I don’t think this is such a good id—“

Hailey tried to grab hold of Will’s tie, but he obviously wasn’t wearing tie, or a shirt for that matter, so she was simply swiping her hand across his chest.

“Oh forget it.” She said, and pulled him onto the stage by his pants.

“Now choose a song sexy, and sing it!” Hailey nearly fell off the stage as she thrust her hand into the air. This was (nearly) prevented because Irina had seen it coming, and leapt out of her chair (also drunk, it must be added) and caught Hailey, before throwing her back on stage, and into Mr. Tippin’s arms. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead, before asking her, one last time, to go back to her room and sleep it off.

“Garbage Mr. Tippin. Utter garbage! I am fine! And we shall sing! Now choose a song you sexy beast!”

Knowing that he wouldn’t win he agreed.

“All right then Hailey. But then you are going to bed, and you are going to sleep this off.”

“Yes yes, whatever you want Will. Now pick a damn song and let’s GET ROCKED!!!!!”

Will walked over to the pianist, and gave him the name of the song. The pianist nodded, and pulled out the music sheet. Will walked back over to Hailey, who was having difficulty pulling her mike out of it’s stand in her state. Will took it out for her, and then took up his own. The flick of a finger in the Pianists direction was the cue for the song to start, and it did just that.

“WAIT! I wanna choose the song!” Yelled Hailey over the intro. “I wanna sing that song about that bullfrog and the wine!”

“That’s the song I choose, babe. I thought you’d like it.”

“Oh. Okay then…play the song!!! Whopeee!!!!!”

“Jeremiah was a bullfrog!
Was a good friend of mine!
Something something something
Something something
And a whole lotta loads about Wine!

“Now you Will! Whoppee!!!! Chorus!”

“JOY TO THE WORLD!!!!!
All the boys and girls now!
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me!

“Sing it again!! Woohoo!!!”

Will was staring at Hailey, who was so unbelievably drunk she didn’t even notice. He could see she was getting out of hand, and she could barely see anything, she was so drunk. She was staggering around the stage, chanting drunkenly. Will, who was completely unimpressed by this (and worried about her state of mind) walked over to Hailey, picked her up, and threw her over his shoulder. She started kicking and screaming, but he ignored her. Over the racket she was making, he awarded Irina ten points for stopping Hailey from falling off the stage (technically it was 5 for the catch, and 5 for doing it piss drunk). He then told the guards to escort his ‘CIA mates’ back to their ‘rooms’, and proceeded to carry Hailey back to their room, where he would put her to bed.

She managed to wiggle free and, barely standing upright, yelled at the buff man standing ten metres away from her.

“GUA-ARD!!! Take these lovely prisoners back to their cell, and please ensure they each have a bed, blanket, pillow and lots of aspirin. They’ll want it come morning. I have to finish some things off here. Mr. Tippin, I could use your help, if you don’t mind lending me your services.”

“Of course Miss Snackles. Anything I can do to help.”

And everybody returned to their specified areas.

A/N: Told you this was going to be long! :lol: Hope you enjoyed it! Anything you want to see happen, PM it to me, or post it with your review! (but as posted earlier, Kendal and Sloane will wear their shirts at all times)

Funny. Not everyone is cognizant or able to stand at that point! I think Irina should have more points! Also some should be sick by now considering I have not read anything about them being fed.
Anyway again I had a hard time reading the purple nurple lyrics that were not in white!
And Mr. Tippin tossed her over his shoulder. Oooooooohhh, just what I thought Ms Snackles would love.
Good job. B)

Sorry about the colours, but if you really couldn't read it, hopefully I'll be posting it on AA ASAP. I have more chapters written and coming soo, I'm just tweaking! :lol:

Hailey would have given Irna more points! :P And if she stopped causing a fuss and realised what was happening, she would have been happier! :lol:

And they should be throwing up, but if I wrote them throwing up, I would have to write somebody to clean it up, so I spared myself the hassle! :P :lol: :P

New chapter coming soon, prob this w/e, just let me finish tweaking!

Chapter 15

Everybody woke late the next morning, including Will and Hailey. They had been up late the night before, and they were also completely drunk. Now they were tired and hungover. Amazingly, none of them had thrown up. When they returned to their cell, singing ‘Joy to the World’, they had all collapsed on the bed, the floor, and each other. As they started waking up, they wondered what had happened the night before. Not one of them seemed to remember a thing.

The first to awake was Mr. Sark. Sark woke up suddenly, and screamed "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?!?!?!" He had been lying on Irina’s lap with his shirt off, and he couldn’t recall anything (as I had already stated ;) ). I’m not sure about you, and your views on this, but I don’t think that this was an unwarranted response to waking up without a shirt in your second girlfriend’s mothers arms, and not remembering a damn thing. You see, that’s how Sark felt. Throw in a hangover, and the need for an aspirin, and I’m sure you can feel his pain. But wait, there’s more!

Vaughn had snuggled up to Jack. Now that, in itself, is bizarre. I mean really. It’s hard enough to get the two of them in a room together. Now they looked as though they ‘got a room’ together. Sark’s scream made them stir, but nothing came of it. Vaughn simply snuggled closer to Jack. *A/N: I have been reading waaaaay to much slash! :lol: I’m sorry, but work with me here please!) Both men still had their shirts off, but pants and belts were firmly on. The belts were a good sign, because no man as drunk as Mike and Jack were could have threaded a belt through those loops. A woman could have, but women can do amazing things.

Sark looked at them for a bit, and the first thing that ran through his mind was, "Damn, I need some drugs for this headache." The second thing he wondered (which is the one I was actually getting to before Sark rudely interrupted with that thought :angry: ), "I never would have pegged Jack as the gay one. Will, probably; Vaughn, possibly; me, bi actually; and the others have been married forever, and they are old so I won’t think about them now. But I don’t think Jack is gay." Looking at him cosied up to Agent Vaughn made him wonder…he shook his head violently, trying to get rid of the image of Jack being—anything. Sark had difficulty picturing Jack with emotions. The head shaking only succeeded in giving him a bigger headache.

He slowly got up, trying not to wake Irina, and walked around the cell, through the seemingly dead bodies. Then he spotted the drugs by the TV, and he practically swallowed the entire package. He was about to start on the next one when Sydney stirred near his feet. Not wanting to wake her, he held still for a moment. She rolled over and gripped his leg, hugging it to her chest like a teddy bear. As much as he was enjoying having his foot smothered to death, he needed Syd to let him go. He bent over and peeled her off of him, and went back over to his corner by Irina. As he headed over there, he realised what it was he was doing, and did a dangerous U-turn and sat in the back corner by himself, starring at everybody as they slept.

As he sat and watched, he noticed some interesting things about these people he seemed doomed to spend the rest of his life with. As his eyes swept the room, the first person who caught his attention was Eric. He was on the top bunk, blazer and shirt on, collar undone. There was a small puddle of saliva accumulating at the base of his pillow. One of his arms was tucked under his body. The other was hanging over the edge. On the end of his finger was his yo-yo, still bobbing up and down as he slept, in perfect rhythm with his soft snores. Sark thought it was peculiar that this man walked around with his yo-yo everywhere while he was awake. Watching it move up and down as the man slept made Sark wonder if he belonged in an institute. (Eric in the institute, not Sark. That line is ambiguous.) The second question he posed was how a drunk and ‘big-boned’ man managed to make it to the top bunk without a ladder, and the help of anyone else. The way they were collapsed on the floor, Sark knew nobody had helped him up. Leaving that thought for later, Sark continued to look around.

On the bunk beneath Eric was Marcus, who was sleeping quietly. He didn’t move or make a sound. He was on top of the covers which Hailey had so kindly provided for them. Next to Dixon, and sleeping under the covers was Alice. She was facing the rest of the room, the opposite way to Dixon. Even when drunk Marcus was orderly and neat. His shoes were next to each other on the floor next to the bed. The only thing which indicated his drunkenness the night before was the fact that the shoes were at 45degrees to the bed, and not perpendicular as he normally set them out. His tie also lay draped over the foot it’s foot. Alice lay curled up under the covers, breathing deeply, but mostly silent.

Beneath the bunk bed, lying on the floor, was Marshall. He had his tie grasped in his hand like a security blanket, and he was sucking his thumb. Sark was amused by the sight of a fully grown man sucking his thumb and holding his ‘security tie’. Then again, he wasn’t surprised that Marshall had been driven to this. After all, having orders barked at him by Arvin Sloane and Jack Bristow didn’t help him too much. Sark almost felt bad for him, but upon listening to what he was mumbling, he realised that it was binary code. As he listened to it, Sark realised that Marshall was reciting the programme code for ‘Warcraft II; Tides of Darkness’. He only realised this because he had been an enormous fan of the computer game when he was a senior in Varsity.

He chuckled quietly to himself, and his eyes wandered from the corner opposite him, to the patch of floor between the bed and Irina. This particular patch of floor was being occupied by the remaining ladies he had graced with his presence. Sydney, Allison, Francie and Doc B were all knotted together. Arms and legs inter-linked in such a way it was amazing to think they had all just randomly collapsed there. ‘Those women must be seriously flexible!’ thought Sark to himself. Syd’s one leg was behind Francie’s head. Her other leg was on top of Doc B. Doc’s leg was on top of Francie. Francie’s leg was on Doc’s. Doc and Francie each had a leg on Allison, who had a leg each on Syd and Doc. Then add another eight arms to all that, and you can see the amazement!

As Sark stared at them and their random assortment of limbs, he noticed a few odd things. Allison’s hand was covering Syd’s mouth, but an awful loud noise was still coming from beneath it. Syd was snoring. Loud. After listening to that racket, Sark didn’t wonder why nobody had woken up when he screamed. Sydney was easily louder than him. What found peculiar was that she had managed to re-intertwine herself with the other women after he had pried his foot from her breasts’ grasp. A second snorting sound made Sark look again. This time it was Francie, snoring through Doc’s leg, which she had strategically placed their to allow Francie just enough air to breathe, but not enough to snore loudly and live. Doc and Allison were sleeping quietly, limbs trying to prevent the snoring of their new-found ‘sorority sisters’. Listening to the racket the two of them made with flesh in their mouths made Sark wonder how Will ever coped. Sark’s opinion: Will must be almost completely deaf.

Of course on the other side of the room was Irina. Now by herself, but still only a foot (30cm) away from the other girls. Sark started thinking that he might have been sleeping with all of them. And not in the dirty way he wished he had slept with five women. He thought he might have actually been with them as ‘one of the girls’ and the thought terrified him.

Not wanting to linger on that thought, he looked to the corner next to him. His gaze took him past Jack and Mike, still curled up in the middle of the room, and on to Arvin and Kendal. The two of them were propped up by the wall, and if it wasn’t for the fact that their heads were falling over on their shoulders, Sark would have guessed they were having a staring contest. Kendal was up against the bars of the cell door, and Arvin was propped up against the adjacent wall. Each man was ‘looking’ at the other, and Sark thought Sloane looked as if he was about to pull a gun on Kendal. Laughing at this thought as well, Sark decided he needed to move Irina into the pile of girls before they suspected somebody else of being with them, and before they woke up and saw he was the only one awake.

Upon achieving success, he went back to the corner, and caught a few more Z’s. He had a feeling that Hailey and Will were just as hungover as the rest of them, and he wanted to be well-rested when she unleashed her hungover wrath on them.

A/N: A little perspective from a different POV. I think I have a plan now with this…it needs to stop sometime, and I’ve got a newer angstier fic in the pipeline! :lol: