i wrote this today in study hall as i looked at the guy i really liked. its completely unedited but thats were u come in. i'm thinking of entering into my school poetry contest. and i want ur opinions on this before i do. also plz tell me which if the poems that i've put on here u like most.

Never Part

Over there you sit with your friends, so cool
I stare with a want in my heart.
As I look at you our eyes meet,
In those few seconds i dare not break,
I sees us walking hand in hand.
I fantasize that you are mine,
And we never part.

But as our gaze ends, my dream is gone.
You go back to being that which I yearn.
Across the room you taunt my heart.
I want to grab you,
To feel your touch,
To have your lips on mine,
For us to never part.

But you are not mine,
And never will be.
For I'm too scared to let you in.
So forever you'll stay my desire.
Till I find the courage to tell you.
But in my dreams we are one,
And we will never part.

not my best work. but anywhoo. plz give me all the siggestions u can.

I will critique away!

One:

Is that what you meant to put? :huh: I'm not sure about "sees." I think that in the context of your poem, "see" itself would work just as well. Read the line out loud, one time with see, and the other with sees. The single word gives the poem a whole new atmosphere. Then, pick whichever once you like best and use it.

Two: I really like how you kept all three stanzas to be seven lines, readers like that!

Three:

"I'm" or "I am." I think I am would be better here. It makes it sound more serious, more lurring. Using I'm makes it a little less formal, and a little too casual. So again, pick which one you like better, I personally would prefer I am over I'm when writing such a poem, but it is your choice.

:D Alright, that's all the critiques for now. Just to comment, I do comment on weird and random things. So, disregard them if you like, though I go more for the wording that the under meaning of the poem itself. Mainly because I believe that if there was a meaning that was meant to be in the poem, the writer itself needs to bring it out in his/her own style, and therefore I don't comment on that. Alrighty! Glad to critique!

thanx for ur input :D ur critiques were very good.

1. sry about "sees" and not "see"/ its ment to be "see" i must have hit the button on accident when i was typing it.

2. as for "I'm" or "I am" i wasnt too sure when i wrote it. but i think i'll keep I'm b/c it shows my personality more. andi think it flows better.

Wow ur good even tho if u dont try thats very good