Jo Guerrera: Hello and welcome to another huge night on ASWF Carnage! Last week we proved to the world that we’ve got the roster talent and the writer’s to produce an excellent product, and I don’t doubt tonight’ll be even better.

Rockin’ the Suburbs by Ben Folds hits and Chris Walker comes out with some sort of title belt under his arm.

Chris: Tonight I’ve got a very important announcement to make. You all know how Fight Friday is trying to earn cheap ratings by hoarding the title belts. Well, tonight, Carnage is going to take one back. I’ve created the Carnage Title, and it goes to the roughest and most ruthless competitor in the ASWF. Anyone who is tough enough to seize it can have it. Tonight I’m going to see who best deserves the title. Will it be Ryan ‘Supahfly’ Jones, or The Messiah? Both of these two debutants will do battle tonight.

Aaron the Cheerleader vs Jason Sparrow : Kick from Aaron the Cheerleader to the leg. Jason Sparrow elbows Aaron the Cheerleader in the face to break a hammerlock. Spinning back kick from Jason Sparrow. Aaron the Cheerleader charges, Jason moves, and the referee is conveniently placed to get knocked out. Vicious kick to the teeth from Jason Sparrow. Cover, but there's no one to count for Jason Sparrow. Aaron reverses a Jason Sparrow hammerlock. Hard back suplex on Jason. Anyone remember when that was Shawn Michaels's finisher? Aaron crushes Jason with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Tiger suplex on Jason, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Jason Sparrow takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Lightning kick by Jason on Aaron. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Jason drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Michael Sparrow comes running down the aisle with a chair! Jason and Aaron the Cheerleader continue fighting, unaware of the intrusion. Michael Sparrow slides in and prepares to swing the chair...but Aaron the Cheerleader moves! Michael Sp accidentally blasts Jason with a chair to the head! Aaron the Cheerleader throws Michael Sp out of the ring! Jason Sparrow gets knocked to the ground by Aaron. Here it comes...Spirit Fingers! Jason Sparrow taps! Jason and Michael Sp are putting the boots to Aaron the Cheerleader! Trent Da Flight Attendant comes running down the aisle with a chair! He slides in, sending The Sparrow Brothers running for cover. Trent Da Flight Attendant bends down to help Aaron back up. Wait! Jason Sparrow slides back in and attacks! Trent Da Flight Attendant fights back...but is then jumped by Michael Sp as well! Both Trent and Aaron are subjected to a beat down by The Sparrow Brothers, leaving them down and out on the canvas.

The Messiah enters the ring and opens the bible.
Messiah: And lo- a champion shall rise from the masses and with brandished steal, he will smite the unbelievers… (He produces a steel bar). Tonight I am the right hand of God, and tonight I will make the Carnage title mine.
(Rainy Day Woman hits and out comes Ryan Jones)
Ryan: I am the Supahfly! Do you know why? Because I did this to your mother! (He makes pelvic thrusts) That’s a nice book you got. Mind if I take a page and roll it up? I’ve got a fat blunt here. I’d give you some, but I already gave it to your mother! (He races down the ramp)

Messiah vs Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones (For The Carnage Title) : Dropkick connects, Supahfly goes down. Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Messiah walks into a high dropkick from Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones. The referee bumps after catching a wild right hand and is down. Tiger suplex on Messiah, right from out of the Misawa playbook. Hooks the leg, but the referee is still out. Messiah comes up with a right hand out of nowhere. Supahfly gets slammed onto a trash can, squashing it. Supahfly walks into a spike slam. Hooks the leg for a two count. Diamond Dust from Messiah, Supahfly is out. Cover, but there's a last second kick-out. Supahfly drops out the back of a Messiah bodyslam attempt. Messiah gets splashed through a table by Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones. Pin : 1 - 2 - 2.9999999. Messiah avoids a Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones avalanche. Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones slugs Messiah, sending him down into the corner. While Supahfly fires up the crowd, Messiah is removing the turnbuckle pad! Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones comes over...but Messiah grabs him by the tights and uses the leverage to slingshot Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones face first into the exposed steel turnbuckle! Messiah rolls up the stunned Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones: 1....2...3! How did the referee not see that? Ryan 'Supahfly' Jones extends his hand to Messiah...but it is ignored!

We find Gorgeous George and Wifebeater seated at a rather expensive looking restaurant Violin music plays, and in the background we can see other couples eating. Wifebeater looks awkward in his tux, whilst Gorgeous George wears a stunning evening gown.
Wifebeater: Can we go now? I’m gettin’ toey.
George: We haven’t even ordered dinner yet…
Wifebeater: Let’s get takeout baby, I wanna lick this caviar stuff off your body.
George: OK then. (She signals for a waiter, who is none other than Steve Simmons!)
Steve: (Smacks Wifebeater across the face with a tray and drags him out’ve his seat) Would you like a doggy bag sir? (He kicks Wifebeater in the crotch, and throws him into a nearby table. He and Gorgeous George leave as a number of waiters try to help Wifebeater up).

Backstage we find Chris Walker in his office. There is a knock on the door, and Wizard 1o1 enters to a big pop.
Wizard: You wanted to see me?
Chris: Yes, take a seat Wizard. (Wizard sits) I understand you’d like to get your hands on Jelly Adams?
Wizard: Get my hands on him? If it weren’t for the gold around his waist, I wouldn’t even go near him. That boy reeks of failure, and it’s only because his bum chum Sharpedo interferes that he even manages to keep that title.
Chris: Well, how about we cut a deal? I need to punish Sharpedo, so are you up for taking on Sharpedo and Jelly?
Wizard: Hell yeah! Why not make things interesting and throw that crazy Ebessan bastard in the ring as well? I’ll find myself a partner and we’ll make a match of it.
Chris: Sounds good, but I think I’ll find your partner for you. (Wizard nods and leaves)

Jo Guerrera: I wonder who Wizard’s partner could be?

The ring attendants bring a number of tables into the ring, and cover them in food. Mostly the food comes in the form of cream pies and big, creamy cakes. Chris Walker enters the ring.

Chris: Since Steve and Wifebeater insist on making a mess whenever they meet, I figured I’d save myself a law suit and give them a match here tonight. The first to put their opponent through one of these tables, wins the match. (Chris leaves, and the two combatants enter the ring)

Wifebeater vs Steve Simmons : Tank bodyslams Wifebeater. Steve Simmons goes to slam Wifey through a table, but he manages to escape. Big clothesline on Wifey. Steve Simmons with a spinning neckbreaker on Wifey. Wifey pushes out of a Steve Simmons hold. Wifebeater pulls Tank onto the table for a piledriver, but he uses a backdrop to survive. Wifey pulls a picture perfect fallaway slam out of the bag, driving Steve Simmons down to the mat. Steve Simmons takes the advantage after a i-block-your-punch-you-don't-block-mine routine. Steve Simmons hits a bulldog off the ropes. Death valley driver by Steve Simmons, Wifebeater is down and hurt. Tank drops an elbow...but misses. Fate can be so cruel. Stiff chop lights up Tank. Wifebeater misses a big legdrop after stalling too long. Fallaway slam by Steve Simmons. Tank climbs onto the table with Wifebeater and uses a powerslam to break the table for the win! Steve Simmons is still in the ring celebrating. Wifebeater pushes the referee away, then spins Tank around! Wifebeater hits the Choke F'n Bomb! Steve Simmons has been floored after the match.

Chris Walker and Wizard 1o1 enter the ring together.

Chris: Well Wizard, I promised you a partner for tonight and here he is!
Some unfamiliar music hits, and John Cena of WWE fame runs down into the ring.
Chris: John here will partner you tonight, and he’ll be doing a little bodyguard work for me in the meantime. I have a sneaking suspicion Kathy Zahn and her son Mr. Charisma are plotting something.
Cena: Let me just say what an honour it is to be in the ring with two greats of the ASWF. Wizard, I won’t let you down tonight.
Wizard: Here’s the deal Cena. I know you’ve got talent, but tonight you’re in the big league. You aren’t wrestling card fillers on Smackdown here, and you’ve gotta be ready to step up if I need you. Can you do that?
Cena: Of course.
Wizard: Good. Let me down, and you’ll spend the rest of your life on ASWF Fight Friday wrestling strap matches against David Magro. Do us proud, and you’ll be the next big thing.
Cena: I’ll do my best sir.
The three leave.

Batista vs Lord East : Lord East snap suplexes Batista...with authority! ('With authority', trademark G.Monsoon 1986.) Lord East hits a delayed suplex on Batista. Hooks the leg for a two count. Batista blocks a punch. Stiff chop lights up JD. Fallaway slam by Batista. Hooks the leg for a two count. Death valley driver by Batista, Lord East got planted. Pin, but JD is out just before the three count. Batista with a spinning neckbreaker on JD. Lord East ducks a clothesline attempt. JD crushes Batista with a big legdrop. Cover for a two count. Delayed brainbuster suplex, JD held that one for ages. Pin, but Batista is out just before the three count. JD drives a thrust kick into the chest of Batista. Double arm suplex by Lord East, Batista hits hard. Batista blocks a punch. Fallaway slam by Batista. Lifting DDT by Batista, looked good. Batista moves in for the kill. Sit-Out Powerbomb!!! That shook the ring. 1....2....3!!

We find Justin McIntyre backstage with Jelly Adams and Sharpedo.
Justin: Gentlemen, tonight you go into a match against Wizard 1o1 and John Cena. How do you plan to approach this match?
Jelly: You ask some stupid questions Justin. But I guess you’re only playing to your audience- who are a bunch of slack-jawed Queenslander idiots. (Boos) How about I ask a few questions?
Justin: Um… OK
Jelly: Jelly Adams, you are the greatest wrestler in ASWF history, are you nervous about your match tonight? *PAUSE* Why should I be? Do I get nervous before I take a @#%$? Do I get nervous before I tie my shoelaces? No! Beating Wizard 1o1 has become routine for me. It’s become as boring and repetitive as masturbation has for my friend Justin.
Luke: Can I say something?
Jelly: No! You cannot say something! You cannot soil the microphone until you have learnt how to use the mike. You can’t just grab it and spout crap. You’ve got to be poetic. You’ve got to be eloquent. You’ve got to be… me!
Luke: Yes sir.
Jelly: Oh, and John Cena? That arrogant little development territory reject doesn’t scare me. He may have been Prototype in Ohio Valley Wrestling, but down here he’s bitch boy. He’s nothing. He’s toe jam. And tonight I’m going to throw his puny ass out’ve the ring, and I’m going to take Wizard 1o1 apart like I do every other week. I’m serious, when will Chris find me a challenger worthy of my reputation?
The pair storm off, leaving Justin alone.

Cena \ Wizard vs Ebessan\Jelly\Sharpedo : Jelly Adams fires off some right and left hands. Big clothesline on Wizard. Tag between Jelly Adams and Sharpedo. IPA whip Wizard into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Hooks the leg for a two count. Wizard counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Flying cross body off the top rope! Even Steamboat would have applauded the execution on that. Wizard tags out to John Cena. Cena face jams Sharpedo. Pin, but Sharpedo is out just before the three count. Cena hits a back kick. Sharpedo counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Tag to Jelly Adams. Back elbow connects, Cena staggers backward. Tag between Jelly Adams and Ebessan. Ebessan scoops up Cena. Jelly bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. There's a two count on the pin. Spear by Ebessan. Cover for a two count. Cena counters a backdrop attempt with a kick to the face. Chop from Cena on Ebessan. Ebessan counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Tag to Sharpedo. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Sharpedo uses a forearm to the face. Second rope flying axe handle, Cena goes down. There's a two count on the pin. Sharpedo scores with a standing spinebuster. Pinfall attempt gets a 2.9999. Tag between Sharpedo and Ebessan. Sharpedo \ Ebessan whip Cena into the ropes and hit a double back elbow. Rude Awakening on John Cena by Ebessan. Ebessan misses a clothesline. Cena tags out to Wizard1o1. Wizard crushes Ebessan with a sweet running senton. Ebessan tags out to Sharpedo. Spin kick by Wizard1o1 to the face. Super kick by Wizard1o1. Tag to Jelly Adams. Driven DDT by Wizard1o1. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Jelly Adams powers out of a Wizard1o1 headlock. Jelly Adams scores with a standing spinebuster. Hooks the leg for a close fall. Wizard1o1 pulls a mule kick out of nowhere. Tag between Wizard1o1 and John Cena. Face crusher from Cena on Jelly. John Cena hits a sloppy double axe handle. Cena tags out to Wizard1o1. Wizard1o1 scoops up Jelly. Cena bounces off the ropes and hits a flying Hart Attack clothesline. Wizard1o1 floors Jelly Adams...and climbs the turnbuckles. Shooting Star Press!!! 1....2....3!! It's all over.

Jo Guerrera: Well, Wizard 1o1 and John Cena have scored a measure of revenge against Jelly and his cronies! But there’ll be hell to pay next week! Will Cena be able to live up to the trend he set here tonight? Will Jelly and Sharpedo find a way to hit back? All these questions will be answered in a week! Goodnight folks!

Written by Chris-Walker Bush