Here we can find a little insight into a number of teams from my point of view...

PARRAMATTA VIKINGS
With coach Marshal Boyd busy making finalisations to the ASRL Sevens competition there is no wonder that there would be dissention between him and players. Though Boyd would deny it, Jason Taylor’s injury in the Vikings's clash against Carnarvon actually came from a sniper with a potent tranquiliser dart. Taylor, known for his ability to kick up a stink when he wasn’t happy was making it very difficult for Boyd by commenting consistently about Boyd’s newfound lack of commitment to his club. “For all his combed hair and personal grooming skills, that dart shut him up good,” Boyd was heard to say after the game.

ADELAIDE ATTITUDE
Returning to form to give the Newbloods a right flogging the Attitude have re-established themselves as premiership contenders. Now there is only the issue of lost funds to be accounted for. Apparently a member of the club’s board has been making some interesting investments over the last few weeks which would explain some unpaid players. A number of unnamed high profile players have had to forego salary instalments to make way for a number of ‘business’ trips to Bangkok. No reason as to why they were taken has so far surfaced, but we can all make our own conclusions.

BRISBANE BULLS
Choking like the well documented West Sydney cheerleaders two seasons back the Brisbane Bulls just couldn’t get any luck against the Crusade a couple of weeks ago. Oh well stiff @#%$ lads.

CARNARVON COWBOYS
Port Macquarie: the home of thousands of senior citizens. So what is the attraction there for a successful Premier League club? There are many things according to their coach. But how does one appeal to the Port Macquarie public? Install ramps at the stadium? Offer banana mush for sale instead of pies at games? Entry ticket includes life insurance? The hill is replaced by a bowling green? A new, dynamic club name? But Port Macquarie Viagra just doesn’t run off the tongue very well.

NEW ZEALAND COUGARS
The angry Moari club this week takes on Adelaide. Hoping to not so importantly win but to injure as many players as possible it is suspected that Coach Nathan Hoy may just be a relative of Hannibal Lector. He has been seen drinking blood from a silver goblet. Drained ritualistically each week from the gullet of the opposing captain, Mctoyty is under close surveillance from local law enforcement communities.

HAWKESBURY MAVERICKS
Despite punters believing that the Mavericks are one of the most unlikely teams to remain in the Premier League next year, they players are having no bar of it. Unfortunately for their newfound heart, the Mavericks can’t put it together. Despite playing one of their best games on the weekend, they still lost and find themselves in very dire straights. One positive out of this is that there positioning decreases the chances of the Newbloods relegating which as of late is looking frighteningly likely. Keep up the good work in the Hunter, lads!

PERTH TAIPANS
The ever present underachievers of the ASRL competition. A bench that beats most teams starting line up for representative honours seems to surprise each and every week. Though they have shown a little promise in recent weeks they could just relegate. Wouldn't that be amusing?

NORTH MELBOURNE MAULERS
Well, well, well. After starting the season in true braggart style what exactly has happened to our North Melbourne coach’s ego. I think it plummeted into recession about the time that Nth Melbourne plummeted towards their current position. A position where they are being threatened by relegation. After a lot of bragging which, admitted was amusing just for imagining Jelly’s face as his former team took out the premiership, the streets and airways of Nth Melbourne are pleasantly peaceful.

CENTRAL PHOENIX
The ever coach less team how performs each week despite having basically no coach. Who are they coached by? Can anyone tell me? Chris claims they are coached by his Dad, but any coach lacking this much dedication would’ve been fired by now.

MANLY CANNONS
Kermit runs this way. Kermit runs that way. Kermit bitches and whines. Dr Kermit Krockett Q.C. Is this the name of the most popular personality in the ASRL? Undeniably, Kermit is an idiot, but with other candidates being such undesirables like Luke and Jelly, I think that there is nothing in them that takes away from the charm and charisma of this modern day champion for justice.

WOOLONGONG DESTRUCTORS
With all the media still revolving around the clubs salary cap infringements it seems to me that very little is being done about it. Although the Destructors are trying desperately for trades to release pressure that simply isn't enough. Maybe a more drastic manouvere is called for. Although moving to Port MacQuarie might be an option advised by some I think that the club should look into some bribery. Perhaps funds from League Club's pokies could be wired through equally to the clubs of all the board members and things can be overlooked. Not that I would ever participate in such a transaction.

CENTRAL COAST FALCONS
With only a long spell of silence coming from CCF coach Anthony Magro we can only assume that he has come to peace with himself. Normally one not to back down from a fight or a challenge Magro is yet to publically reply to the ESF's challenge for a match. This reporter can only come to two possible conclusions, either Magro is a girl or ASRL CEO Chris Walker-Bush is abusing the fact that he is very aware that Magro has no net access and can't actually reply. I'm thinking a little bit of both may be present.

SYDNEY OILERS
Roger's presence has also being sorely missed by the ASRL as his posts become fewer and further between. Now normally Rogers posts would revolve in some way around Magro being a big so and so, or Magro having no genitals. This leads me to think of a third reason for Magro's long absense: He and Roger have both disappeared for a second honeymoon. Although the two try desperately to cloud any idea of such a thing ever occuring, I for one am not fooled.

BROOME WARRIORS
Does anyone really care? And Jelly, you don’t count.

NEW ENGLAND FERRETS
What happened to the Ferrets of yesteryear? Schmo, a semi finalist, relegates the next year and then the following year struggles in the lower division. Despite having some A-class players such as Ben Walker (mpph!) and Peachey (scintillatingly absent from any sort of PoM race) they keep on keeping on. Also thanks to them for giving the Broome coach some much needed relief. How kind of you.

COFFS HARBOUR WYRMS
If the Port Macquarie relocation goes ahead the Wyrms may actually get something interesting happening. A little bit of a local derby may breathe some life into a team of players that might as well be dead.

TAMWORTH TITANS
Redneck central has never been more alive. With the approach of the annual Country Music Festival rednecks from all over this wide land will come to cheer on the mighty, mighty Titans. With Tamworth’s population buffeting we can only hope Titan's crowds will as well.

PENRITH (What was their logo again?)
It seems that after months of waiting Penrith fans can finally enjoy the luxury of being able to see each other at night games. The light bulb was installed by Penrith Major Bob Johnson last Tuesday. Good work lads!

NORTH SYDNEY NEWBLOODS
Does anybody really care about what goes on behind the scene at any club other than their own, or is that just me? Does anyone apart from Magro care that the Cannons and the Bloods might merge into one team?
By replying specifically to this last entry you can prove me wrong because it meant you read them all. Good for you.

DARWIN CYCLONES
As tempting as it would be to focus this article around Luke bashing I must desist and advance in a more serious fashion. Whether or not it is too much to ask for another Cyclone to hit Darwin and rid us of a whole heap of sunbaked crazy people. Not only would such a miracle rid us of this bunch of miscreants, but also of a substandard Rugby League franchise. Not trying to be unconstructive, but just plain old destructive. Hopefully some fuel like this would cause the staff to spontaneously combust and finish off all the misery.

But seriously... Congrats on the Cyclones Sevens appeal...

GOLD COAST CRUSADE
Oh, oh extended hospital stay imminent! It turns out that ASRL CEO Christopher Walker-Bush's earlier unexplained absence can be attributed to a short hospital stay that was caused by a vermin infestation below the waist. Perhaps his personal email address should be itches_72@yahoo.com. Embarrassing Stuff!

SUTHERLAND SUNS
With their relocation looming Sutherland fans still don't care. Their team is going and they have lost all interest. I personally think it was a bad idea to announce mid season that the people of Sutherland were no longer a part of the ASRL. Business and literal suicide: I hope they weren't expecting any large crowds figures to carry them out into the Pacific and dump them amongst a whole heap of cranky fijians, mainly concerned with blowing themselves to pieces. Maybe they will turn from that and enjoy a big of football in the sun together, or then again maybe they will just annihilate the Suns in a very different fashion to the way that the bad crowds and worse coaching did in Sydney's south.

PERTH CITY WOLVES
The team that benefits the most from the ESF? I think so. A team that was only just founded and unlike all the other fledgeling clubs manages to perform each and every week. I do believe that their parents, Mr and Mrs ESF (The Crusade and the Oilers, not mentioning who wears the pants...) may just be pulling their weight for them. Ah well, good luck to them. If only the defacto NSWF Mummy and Daddy, the Falcons and the Ferrets could help their bastard children (Little Billy Penrith and Little Sally Wyrms) along as well.

EASTWOOD PUMAS
Ah yes, I have a sweet spot in my heart for this team. Now if only I cared enough to find out whether the team was from Eastwood, NSW or Eastwood, SA. Either way we're talking a suburban team that has at some point in time been expunged out of the hindquarters of another shite team. If from South Australia, the team is an upstart from the Attitude, and if from New South Wales then it is the remains of the Oilers. Personally I would have liked to avoid association with either team, but then again I wouldn't have had anything to do with Eastwood in the firstplace if only to avoid such a situation ever occuring.

TOWNSVILLE DOLPHINS
It seems that two more ASRL personalities have had to be taken to hospital this week. When centre Andrew Lomu and coach Neil Croad came into the emergency ward with spongy and bleeding gums early speculation rested upon the cause being a particularly nasty STD, which said a lot for the two's personal life. But, after a few routine tests were done it was revealed that the two were suffering from an acute case of a disease usually associated with pirates and the high seas, scurvy.

Scurvy, which is caused by an lack of Vitamin C in one's diet was exceptionally unusual to rear it's head in two cases that enjoyed feasting heartily upon half time oranges each and every week.

As Croad left the hospital he was overheard to be muttering something about Dolphin's centre Brooke Martin, who hasn't recieved much game time in the last year. When queried about it he spoke sraight up and accused her of causing the disease saying she was "venomous" and "out to get her spot back whichever way she can."

When the case against Martin was brought before the Dolphins board an expert was brought in to give his verdict. Dr Bob Cronky said the following, "Since there isn't a physical pathogen cause for scurvy it is highly unlikely that Martin could've given Lomu and Craod the disease. There is no way to manually inbibe and victim host with a viscious culture of scurvy germs. They just don't exist. Brooke Martin, short of making all the half time oranges shonky, couldn't have weakened the two in a bid for her position. It is simply not possible."

Martin, who holds a PhD in Medical Science (what I believe to be the expertise needed to devise such a pathogen) looks like she may have just got what she wants. Lomu is highly unlikely to play this week and she is the likely replacement.
"Croad, I would say is a bit sexist, believing that I couldn't get the job done ahead of Lomu, but that is no reason for me to give them Scurvy!" Martin commented. She left giggling to herself.